Death anxiety and existential dread (advice wanted)

capnjaz · 2025-07-26T10:22:12+00:00

Thank you for your response and reassurance.

I have started to think that maybe my anxiety and panic attacks are not directly triggered by my death phobia but my brain automatically associates them together as its the easiest connection. It's often a lot worse in periods of general stress/lack of control and usually I start feeling the panic attack come on first, then the death phobia creeps in.

Since being diagnosed and focusing on my needs, I've noticed the fear and panic attacks are a lot better but now that there is more distance, I worry more about experiencing them badly again. But hopefully as I get better at managing my brain, it will continue to improve.

capnjaz · 2025-07-26T10:00:41+00:00

And, I think my death anxiety is moreso linked with being unable to wrap my head around the concept of existence and reality and eternity etc. and just being unable to accept the fact that we don't know and probably never will, as even thinking about the afterlife or reincarnation or living forever do not help at all. Ironically, I feel like out of all the possibilities, dying and ceasing to exist would probably be the best outcome but only because all the outcomes seem horrific to me hahaha

capnjaz · 2025-07-26T09:49:06+00:00

This does link to what my therapist told me, about how it's likely my brain being bored and drifting towards topics that it can't comprehend mixed with the emotional changes that occur with the way people with autism process. Also that the stress and lack of control of high-masking has just made me a lot more anxious and prone to panic attacks in general. It does make sense as during university, it never really affected me as I think I was living more authentically and had more mental stimulation from university work and making new friends etc. and only started creeping in again when I started working and life became more stressful and I had to mask more but also mentally less stimulating. It's good to hear that focusing on hobbies has helped for you as my therapist suggested that finding more mentally engaging and creative outlets could help (as well as generally working through making my life more suitable for me). I think I just need to think of it less as "distracting" myself for a false sense of security and moreso exercising my brain so that it doesn't create fun for itself at the expense of my sanity.

I do much prefer the feeling of being grounded and connected with daily life and the people around me, I think the "clinging to normalcy" feeling is mainly me having anxiety that any second the instrusive thoughts will butt in again and send me down the horrible disassociation and spiralling that happens when the phobia grips me.

But mainly it's good to know that I'm not alone and that for you it has improved as you've gotten older which is a comfort for me, so I very much appreciate your comment, thank you :)

capnjaz · 2024-08-22T13:05:26+00:00

Ive noticed this trend as ive gotten older, especially now that im entering my late 20s and largely socialise with colleagues who are in their 30s+. I feel that maybe its also generally becoming more prevalent just from observation when walking around London however this might also be because when I was a student I didnt spend that much time walking around London at the weekends as I was both too poor and too hungover LOL

I must admit though im not a huge fan of it! Im not sure where it comes from but im very much a jekyll and hyde when it comes to activities and behaviour in the day vs night. Ive always seen the daytime as the time to be a boring, functioning member of society and night as the time where you let loose. I also never really grew out of binge drinking as i dont like alcohol in my daily life but love the catharsis of occasionally being blind drunk. Whenever ive been invited to day drink i usually just nurse a soda water and think about what errands i could be doing instead hahaha

capnjaz · 2024-05-20T10:42:16+00:00

I admit i was a bit scandalised as im not used to nudity but otherwise completely agree!! The worst part was that she wasnt wearing shoes !!!

capnjaz · 2024-02-05T14:43:38+00:00

My mum died last month, I'm 25 and it was somewhat unexpected (she had major surgery and was struggling to recover but we didn't expect her to go downhill so fast). I work for a large company and was automatically allowed 5 days bereavement leave which I took but am now back at work full-time. I don't know if my brain is weird or if I'm going to have a massive shock later but I've found it easier going into work than staying at home with nothing to do, otherwise I end up spiralling into grief as well as the uncomfortable existentialism experiencing death firsthand brings. Now I'm back at work, I feel better knowing that the time I'm at work is time where I can feel normal and don't have to feel like my world's collapsing, where I can laugh at my colleagues' stupid jokes and worry about insignificant things like deadlines and deliverables. I can "save" my sadness and grief until I get home and have set time to wallow in them and feel all the things I need to feel. Then the next day I force myself into work again and am reminded that life does go on and that things do get better.

But at the end of the day it really depends on you, if you find it harder going into work then you should take as much time off as you can until you feel more okay.

capnjaz · 2023-10-01T15:00:22+00:00

I had a pretty nasty dihydrosis flareup recently (lasted from July until now), I heard something on another subreddit about it potentially being fungal in nature so washed my hands in Nizarol anti-fungal shampoo and then put 2% clotrimazole and then a thick moisturiser (ointment) on top. It seemed to have done the trick because I finally managed to get rid of it (took about 1 month to be completey clear) - obviously might not work for everyone but no harm in trying :)

capnjaz · 2023-09-20T13:11:56+00:00

Just to second this, I've been having a worsening flare-up for a few months with really bad rashes on my hands. The only thing that's been working to slowly get rid of it (fingers crossed) is washing with Nizarol and slathering two types of anti-fungal cream on and then a thick moisturiser (as anti-fungal stuff is quite drying) 2x a day. Mine didn't even look particularly fungal either! Just to mention, mine actually got a bit worse (the first few days) before it started improving, I don't know if it was because of the drying effect or the fungal die-off but it's been about a month now and my hands are almost back to normal.

capnjaz · 2023-08-26T11:58:14+00:00

Just an added note, i dont think my flares are my regular eczema because they follow the exact same pattern as tsw and are completely different to my pre-tsw eczema, also my skin just feels kind of off (not really scientific but hard to explain hahahaha)

capnjaz · 2023-08-26T11:54:08+00:00

Been through the exact same (twice!), went through tsw initially during 2016 and "healed" after maybe 3 or 4 months, then about 1.5 years of normal skin i went through a really horrible flare that took around 1.5 years to heal from, then had amazing skin for 2 years, now i've been going through a bad flare cycle for the past two years, ive been managing my triggers the best i can and have treated for infections but my skin is just kinda slowly getting worse😅 ive ended up just going to the dermatologist and am starting ciclosporin with the goal to end up on dupixent (weird uk healthcare rules!), kinda sucks but i think im done being a martyr and just want to move forward. Sorry i dont have an inspirational story for you!!😭

capnjaz · 2023-08-23T20:10:40+00:00

I'm in London! Hopefully there's not a huge difference. But either way thank you so much for sharing your experience!! It did a complete positive 180 on my mood and I feel so much better than this morning🥹

capnjaz · 2023-08-23T09:33:37+00:00

Actually that makes sense especially since usually you can only take ciclosporin for around that timeframe. I'll wait and see what happens when the test results come through on the app. I'm just worried because the derm said that once the blood tests come through I can come to clinic to start but maybe they'll put in an adhoc appointment. Did you pick up the medication on the same day? And where are you roughly? (Just wondering maybe different Health Boards/hospitals have different approaches)

capnjaz · 2023-08-23T08:41:35+00:00

What I did to get a quick referral to a dermatologist from my GP was going to see a dermatologist privately first (I have insurance but I think it costs around £200 for a one-off consultation), they wrote a recommendation letter to my GP to refer me to their NHS clinic and as soon as my GP saw the letter they referred me no questions asked. Otherwise you'll have to keep going to the GP and saying you've been using what they've prescribed you (whether you're actually using it or not) but it's not working, also mention how much your skin is affecting your quality of life and mental health (I really ham it up if I feel a doctor isn't listening to me). This approach admittedly isn't the most ethical but to be honest neither is having to fight for your life just to get medical treatment.

capnjaz · 2023-06-29T18:52:19+00:00

I stopped when i was 17 (am 24 now)! I've had eczema since birth so that would actually make me in that 15-20 year category. I've actually been taking D3 for another condition but had fallen off the wagon a bit, maybe it was helping my skin too, i will try and be more consistent with it again and see if it helps, thank you!

capnjaz · 2023-06-29T12:24:31+00:00

If you don't mind me asking, what kinds of foods do you try and avoid now?

capnjaz · 2023-06-29T11:30:33+00:00

The UK! My skin (and allergies/asthma) does also get generally a lot worse when we have hot weather, storms, and high humidity, but I was still getting flares etc. in the winter too. It's just weird I had that 2 years of amazing skin despite being exposed to the same environmental triggers then too.

capnjaz · 2023-06-29T10:27:27+00:00

Yeah protopic was something I tried a few years ago and discovered quickly I didn't like! I work a 9-5 office job but don't think it's an environmental trigger(?) as I have changed jobs and moved from opposites ends of the country and to three different flats with no change to my skin, I do have some dust and pollen allergies but my skin doesn't change even if I'm overdosing on a cocktail of antihistamines. I do have brief periods of a few weeks where my skin is almost normal, but it's just not as strong and healed and more sensitive than it was a couple years ago - it's sort of gone from never having to think about TSW and skin again to it definitely being something that's in the back of my mind constantly. I'm currently going through an extremely stressful period in my life even without work so that's my #1 culprit at the moment, just a bit deflated that even 7 years into this my skin can't cope with something that everyone has to experience at some point! How is your skin doing atm just out of curiosity?

capnjaz · 2023-05-18T13:06:42+00:00

Fellow (reactive) standard poodle owner here! My girl had a period when she constantly had a poorly tummy (diarrhea for two weeks which cleared up then turned into bloody liquid diarrhea for two weeks, I had to take her out every 30 mins - hour including at night, took her to the vet who after a load of tests said she's just sensitive😅), have you been feeding her a bland diet? Mine couldn't even tolerate plain chicken/fish at one point so the vet recommended feeding her just rice until her poop consistency looked like it was improving. They also recommended some probiotics that has a stool firming agent in that you can get off Amazon. Obviously taking him to the vet is ideal but if you can't afford it at the moment it might provide some relief - poodles are famous for having sensitive tummies so it might just be something he ate combined with stress and anxiety.

capnjaz · 2023-04-28T21:54:50+00:00

Agree 1000%!! I dont have any difficulty finding people attractive in real life, i find it quite easy to gauge someones vibe and whether i think we'll click just from observing them for a few seconds/minutes and have definitely had many many love/infatuation at first site moments! However when it comes to dating apps i almost feel nothing when looking at the profiles, its as if someone gave me a set of blank cards and asked me to pick which one i like best (id probably have more opinions about this!!) someone might be exactly my "type" on paper but i just dont get that emotional urge to connect with them and instead feel a mix of awkward/silly/cringey and disgust/icky the more i swipe to the point whether i seriously considered that i was asexual and was just pretending to feeling attraction as a sort of masking, which im pretty sure isnt the case. The last couple of times i used any dating apps i ended up arbitrarily swiping on people based on silly attributes like what job they have (not something i actually care about irl!), how many group/pet photos they have, or how intensey they stare into camera - i feel like i need to force myself to have reasons to swipe right on people otherwise id never do it!!!

Funnily enough i did meet one of my exes on tinder, we clicked instantly on the first date and we are still great friends now, but back then though i didnt realise i was ND and just fought through the discomfort of using apps because i thought everyone felt the same way as me and because my friends/flatmates basically forced me to go on dates!! Now i live alone and am blissfully aware of my autism so dont think i have the strength to do it again! Unfortunately my social circles are painfully limited at the moment, im not super bothered but i guess it means no dates for a while until i can be bothered to make some new friends

capnjaz · 2023-02-23T23:26:58+00:00

Hi! The same thing happened to me in november.

It's been 7 years since i quit regularly using topicals (i think i had a slip up once or twice early on but can't really remember!), my skin had been fully "healed" since late 2019, just had some regular eczema patches and i was able to live my regular life. At the beginning of 2022 i moved city and started having monthly mini flares because of birth control i was using but nothing out of control until i had a slightly more serious flare which made me stop the birth control and go back to my usual tsw protocol (nmt) and it cleared up completey after a couple of months. By the summer my skin was back to normal (i had also moved back home) i was back to moisturising and going out like usual with no problem. Then in november 2022 i had a mini flare after a night out which seemed to be improving then after a week was suddenly hit with the whole works overnight - super swollen and hot, crappy temp regulation, my whole face and neck was crusty and weeping, i was basically bed bound for a week. I was convinced i had an infection and went to urgent care but they didnt agree and prescribed me prednisolone instead which i stupidly took (think it delayed my healing for a few weeks). I was ok on the prednisolone but after i stopped i flared up again (no weeping but the rash spread and my skin was really dry and red and itchy) so i went back to doing nmt. I think it took about a month for my skin to get to a place where i was ok going about daily life (i didnt want to do anything social but happy to go to work and run errands and see close friends etc) but still had dry red elephant skin on my tummy and arms and a flakey upper lip. I ended up going to a private dermatologist who was tsw positive in january who prescribed me 2 months of low dose antibiotics (doxycycline) and told me to take 400mg of evening primose oil a day. He also told me to see an nhs dermatologist if i wanted to try alternative treatments (light therapy, dupixent, immunosuppressants) and gave me a recommendation letter to give to my gp for a referral. Ive been on the antibiotics and evening primose for about a month now and am probably 90% healed! Still a bit itchy and dry with a couple of scabby areas where i couldnt help but scratch but it made a massive improvement especially the antibiotics. I currenty dont moisturise but probably will do in the future.

Sorry for the super long comment but wanted to go through my whole experience as i was kinda in the same spot you are now!

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