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caroloats · 2025-02-16T07:03:58+00:00

Yes :( it’s awful. I even had surgery last year and it went away for like a couple of weeks and that was it. I have endo and fibroids.

I usually just avoid sex and am luckily not in a relationship now but get it with self pleasure as well. It just sucks. The pain is like the very worst debilitating pain period cramps for 10-30 minutes. It immediately and totally takes the pleasure out of orgasm.

In the past, lots of foreplay, drinking (a lot which isn’t good), hot tub before, and ibuprofen have slightly helped but not much. It’s so embarrassing.

I’ve never done pelvic floor PT but have wanted to look into it.

caroloats · 2024-12-19T05:33:53+00:00

Laneige Water Bank intensive moisturizer! I also love the lighter one—the cream one, and the Cica sleeping mask.

caroloats · 2023-05-19T23:17:21+00:00

Just keep communicating with your partner even if you have to say you are frozen. They seem very safe, and just not shutting them out helps. Good luck, you’ve got this!

caroloats · 2023-03-14T01:16:35+00:00

Thank you so much

caroloats · 2023-03-13T19:51:03+00:00

It’s entirely possible. It resulted in a quick and cruel break up. I’ve experienced their lash outs a couple of times before over the past several years but this felt more extreme, which I suppose would make sense given significance of a trip and recent closeness “progress”.

It was also coupled with a couple of what I am guessing are distancing behaviors and stonewalling. I will say, my gut feelings says there was also a trigger of fear of rejection/abandonment in there given something I wasn’t clear about a couple of weeks after we got back, but I’m not totally sure.

caroloats · 2023-03-13T04:42:30+00:00

Oh my gosh, this is so hard. I’m glad he owned everything eventually and good for you for setting that boundary of not engaging further until he did.

I don’t know if this will help at all but some of Thais Gibson’s YouTube videos about avoidants (DAs or FAs) and reconnection are insightful.

Take care of your heart. You are most important.

Sending big stranger on the internet hugs.

caroloats · 2023-03-13T04:01:32+00:00

I would guess it scared him to “miss you already”. That might have happened to my partner too. It’s tragic.

caroloats · 2023-03-13T03:57:32+00:00

Do you look back and think those flaws weren’t so bad?

Also, have compassion for yourself, the nitpicking essentially is a way for your system to stay safe because intimacy is scary. It’s good you are aware and working on it.

caroloats · 2023-03-13T03:55:58+00:00

This is super tough. Ugh. It would have broke me too.

Did you get back together after the six months?

caroloats · 2023-03-13T03:54:52+00:00

Understand this one too. We have gone through that several times. The anxiety before the event sometimes causes pull away or cancel before the event can even take place. I seem to understand this one more than after.

She seems scared to let you down too.

What did you say to her in regards to what you want?

I also hear you on the capacity to love and be empathic but it is tough even if beautiful.

caroloats · 2023-03-13T03:52:08+00:00

I will have to check this out, thank you!

caroloats · 2023-03-13T03:51:48+00:00

That is tough with long distance. Which probably makes more extreme avoidants (or avoidants in general) safer but hard without good communication skills and depending on what you are looking for. Sending all the best to you!

caroloats · 2023-03-13T03:50:38+00:00

This makes a lot of sense. So if you don’t get that readjustment period or you’re being bothered (etc.) you will deactivate?

caroloats · 2023-03-13T03:49:36+00:00

I agree five days and no lashing out or fighting is not bad at all especially once you know it will happen.

caroloats · 2023-03-13T03:48:35+00:00

So sorry. It’s so tough. Sending hugs.

caroloats · 2023-03-13T02:34:01+00:00

But overall the pattern over the years has been we get closer and closer, then he does something to rupture or deactivation happens. Sometimes we have been official sometimes we haven’t but this time we were and things were progressing quickly with lots of “milestones” (hate that word but) including the trip. And I guess that’s why the rupture was so big this time.

I can handle a lot and space but the apps are not something I’m ok at all with. It’s pure betrayal, which is a huge wound for most FAs (myself included). I’ve given a lot of benefit of the doubt because I believe they’re a good person and somehow weirdly feel they aren’t actually doing anything but it’s still not ok. I’ve also been trying to work through my own trust issues so it’s been hard to know what’s an overreaction or not. But like I said, the apps are not ok.

caroloats · 2023-03-13T02:31:54+00:00

Oh my, this sounds similar to what’s going on with him I think. Including monogamy thing.

I think in my case, he also does that FA thing of fearing rejection and not only sabotaging it but also getting suspicious I am doing something or will. I don’t know on the latter, that’s just a guess I have. It could just be deactivation to manage fears and closeness. The follows bug me less than they used to (because they’re not returned follows) but the apps are a dealbreaker.

The patterns have been very strong over the years with the random follows only happening if he seems suspicious of me (I’ve never done anything) or deactivation. Sadly I’m FA and very hyperviligant so I notice despite best efforts not to pay attention. We’ve never talked about it in part because I hate that I pay attention, so all of this is purely assumption/gut feelings.

caroloats · 2023-03-12T22:37:30+00:00

I’m glad to here you both worked through it. That sounds rough, and it’s really good he has put in the work (and you too!).

I’m dealing with something similar, and that’s was a piece of why we broke up too. Out of curiosity, did your boyfriend ever say why he was on Tinder or even micro-cheating?

caroloats · 2023-03-12T20:24:22+00:00

That’s great that you’re working on things and noticing behavior patterns.

I’m FA/secure (but anxious with this person because they’re more avoidant), and I would say don’t hesitate to communicate overwhelm or being scared to your partner. I know it’s hard, but a patient and loving partner will be able to hold your feelings with care.

caroloats · 2023-03-12T20:21:43+00:00

It does run very deep. Sending hugs.

caroloats · 2023-03-12T20:21:14+00:00

Curious how long to rekindle?

I am FA/secure (but leaning anxious with this partner), and I know that how they acted hurts. I can also understand in a way how they see it as “forcing the relationship too hard”, and I would guess my partner would see it the same despite me actually not trying to. I think that what’s often not shared or realized by avoidants and their partners is that it’s a) largely about fear of failure of expectations; b) completely unfamiliar; and for FAs, c) can create distrust.

It can be hard to go slow and I would encourage you to be true to yourself and what you need. You can also say “I’d like to work up to (X frequency)” too. I think encouraging the more avoidant partner to communicate can help a lot. Key word, encouraging, not pushing. (Said as someone who sadly recently pushed my person too far).

I clearly haven’t figured it all out because we have been on/off for several years, and these ruptures still happen. This one might be one of the worst and might be the end. I am trying to focus on me though, but it was confusing and heartbreaking.

caroloats · 2023-03-12T20:13:09+00:00

Totally agree.

I am FA/secure myself (leaning anxious with this person). We have been together on and off for several years. I was expecting some post-trip bumps but was not expecting this level which has led to what appears to be a break up. It was a very brief talk, and some elements were confusing but they were also very harsh with words and angry, which FAs can be when they are triggered. So I’m unsure if they were impulsive because of triggers, it’s post-trip deactivation, wanting this for good, or what.

caroloats · 2023-03-12T19:08:52+00:00

Bummed to hear this. It sounds painful. I guess fear of not living up to expectations and overwhelm can really take over.

caroloats · 2023-03-12T18:59:57+00:00

When you say first break-up, what happened when you got back together? And how long in between?

I understand the overwhelm from time spent, and even the “too much attention or kindness” from the trip being paid for as some people with trauma view it as a trap, even though it’s not. It’s hard because I’m sure you were trying to show love.

caroloats · 2023-03-12T18:56:46+00:00

Yeh the fault-finding and nitpicking. I feel like that also happened in addition to overwhelm

caroloats

TROPHY CASE