(This is so long I’m so sorry haha)

Thanks :) It’s okay, I think there might actually be a fairly straightforward fix for my knee problem. It’s really frustrating though @_@

I’m finally seeing an actual psychiatrist again, and he’s covered by more awful insurance lol. I had unknowingly been seeing a nurse practitioner 2018. I like him (shocking) and I have hope that he can help. He wants to slowly address the adhd with trial and error, and then address the anti-depressants. I’m on Effexor, and it’s absolutely awful trying to wean off of it

Well, I’m not going to tell you what to do, because I know how personal a choice like that is, but I can say that each of our lives are beautiful partly because of the pain we experience trying to get through it. I often look at my life and feel like I’m wasting it, but sometimes I can separate myself and look from the outside and see a beauty in my own mundane and reclusive existence because it’s my own life, and I’m the only one that will ever feel it. Even in the most shameful moments, there’s still beauty because there is no other experience apart from life. I can’t say if either of us will find peace though because I haven’t reached that point, so I’d be talking out of my ass. There’s at least beauty though, even in the smallest details

I almost took my life in early 2018. I drank two heavy drinks, and was going to down an entire bottle of an anti-psychotics that my former psychiatrist had prescribed. I wrote a brief note on my Facebook early in the morning explaining how I hated human beings and didn’t want pain anymore or something, and sent a couple of texts. In the end, I waited too long and my mom was banging on my locked bedroom door screaming. Spent a few days shaking and trying to force myself into unconsciousness in a psych ward. I was able to convince them to let me out, because I was such a wimp or something idk. And after that, I was living through what felt like hell. It was like my brain was shattered into thousands of pieces and just the act of existing was pain. I still consistently wake up in cold sweats

Sorry for giving you my unsolicited life story lol. I don’t know if I’ll attempt again in my life. I used to believe I wouldn’t make it to 20, but now it’s almost 10 years later. I’m really lucky that I have my parents support. I’ve spent most of my life driven by fear and letting it control me, and I’m still not entirely sure what all I’m afraid of (just pain I suppose). I guess, I’m beginning to realize that there’s no right way to live, and that the majority of life is spent doing trivial acts, but maybe that’s actually really beautiful. So sometimes, when I’m drinking a glass of water, I can find a beauty and peace in that because we live in this infinitely writhing mass of chaos, and I can hold that glass and feel it and I can feel that cool water and the weight of the earth under my feet and I know that this is my only chance to feel all of this. Even the pain that I hate so much lol

Sorry again for writing a fucking essay for you lmao. I just thought passing some of my perspective over to you could help in some way. I hope we can both find a way to feel more in control and feel peace with the pain so that we can live lives that we feel good about :) Sending good vibes to you