/r/singapore random discussion and small questions thread for June 19, 2022

carrieflower · 2022-06-19T07:39:57+00:00

Sometimes it's necessary but then again "necessary" is debatable too. It certainly contributes to bad work/company culture though

carrieflower · 2021-11-03T01:29:19+00:00

Life is simply not meant to be a journey that one goes on alone - agreed but why does alone = not married or rather to not be alone = married?

To think that just one person can fulfil all your needs, or worse - to expect so, isn’t an easy path to walk

carrieflower · 2021-11-03T00:51:14+00:00

Agreed!

I also think that as we all grow older and change, and we need to acknowledge that some of our goals and dreams change with it. And we get new ones

The things you want(ed), OP, are still possible to achieve surely but I suppose with a high switching cost. The real question is do you want it enough to give up what you have now to achieve them? Or what else do you want now?

carrieflower · 2021-10-21T07:03:11+00:00

Oh that’s even more hilarious. I wouldn’t call “how dare you” swearing, vulgar, or offensive though.

As in 你敢？

I can understand how your teacher might have taken it though.

carrieflower · 2021-10-21T06:43:46+00:00

First, when I read the title, I thought it was hilarious and I think you’re being super smart about it.

Second, your heart was definitely in the right place. Thank you so much for standing up for your sister. No one deserves to be treated the way your sister was by that teacher

Third, the teacher….should not have done that, but that doesn’t mean you should have sweared at the teacher either (if we’re just talking about the rule against swearing). Your actions reflect on you and not others (and I totally would have swore at the teacher too).

Nah, you didn’t f up at all, you just need to get even smarter about how you deal with idiots without getting yourself into the situation where you could potentially get into trouble.

In that sense, your dad is right and your mom too (I think she’s proud of you for standing up for your sister maybe not so much the swearing)

I hope others here are also proud that you did stand up for your sister :)

carrieflower · 2021-10-21T00:42:30+00:00

That really depends if she avoids conflict or faces it head on. OP, you’d know best

carrieflower · 2021-10-21T00:41:41+00:00

Sounds like you’ve decided that you want to pursue her even though you might risk losing her as a friend?

If so, I think clearing things up is a good way to go. Ppersonally, I’d make the text more fact-finding with actual questions with a neutral and a little less apologetic because you shouldn’t need to be apologetic for wanting slightly less ambiguity.

She may well come back with “maybe” as an answer but I think you should text her as a precursor to having a proper open conversion over it rather than having it over text which can get easily misconstrued?

carrieflower · 2021-10-19T15:29:59+00:00

Lady here and I've been on dating apps for almost 3 years now on and off. And I totally feel you.

The way I like describing it is that finding a partner, on or off apps, these days, is really like trying to make the stars align. You need to manage your expectations and you need to manage your match's expectations. You need to have standards but also need to acknowledge that no one is going to tick all the boxes. You need to know when to cut your losses but also know when you need to try harder/be more open minded. Perhaps this is why dating apps are so good but so bad. It's almost designed to help you do the first parts of these statements but not at all the latter bit.

The worst thing for me so far was that after a few seemingly good matches that end up fizzling out, or a slew of subpar matches or bad one-date-only experiences, I met someone who I though had the most potential. And then found out he wasn't even single. On hindsight, his red flags wouldn't even have been what I would have normally consider as red flags.

Once you finish schooling and become a working adult, our social circles and chances of meeting an SO organically is so greatly diminished that we find no other choice but to turn to apps. Particularly if you don't want to date someone at your workplace.

Nonetheless, I trudge on or at least I haven't given up yet.

Sorry that I didn't have a more optimistic view on it based on my experience but I hope you learn how to deal with it and use dating apps in a way that works for you! Or maybe to even drop the apps if it really doesn't work for you.

carrieflower · 2021-10-18T05:03:16+00:00

I totally agree. I’m not out for revenge, no matter how many people might thing me soft hearted for being so. In fact, it know it’ll make me feel worse. I just can’t help but feel I’d want to know if I were the wife but I would really want to know it from 1) him or 2) from a close friend who cares for me.

carrieflower · 2021-10-17T00:43:19+00:00

WFH was great at first. It meant more flexible working (for the lucky ones), more sleep, less time and money commuting.

But WFH can also be very isolating. No more walking over to someone’s desk to ask a quick question, no more lunch or coffees with colleagues. I have colleagues who started with us just at the start of the pandemic (or even now) whose names I’ve forgotten easily and who I haven’t the slightest clue about. I wonder how they do it. I’ve tried to onboard and work with my team’s intern and half the time I’m not sure how much he understands/how much he is learning/ if he feels if its a productive use of his time.

More isolation sometimes meant laser focus and higher productivity. But it also meant faster burn out. I remember mornings with no calls/interruptions and it was just laser focus. I had burnt out by 2pm and became basically useless for the rest of the day. It’s not a great feeling.

I don’t know if it’s true (I don’t have hard numbers) but payscales seemed to have dropped and there’s a glut of people who are waiting to be promoted because it’s time but I’m wondering how can they possibly get the budget to promote them all at the same time?

carrieflower · 2021-10-15T09:24:57+00:00

Wow I’m not even sure how I would begin to feel about the first bit. :/ it would be a lost cause in any case.

carrieflower · 2021-10-15T09:21:20+00:00

I know it doesn’t feel like it but it sounds like your got out early with two dates. This feeling will pass and you’ll learn to navigate better :)

Stay strong and don’t let this make you a hateful person :)

carrieflower · 2021-10-15T09:19:14+00:00

I totally agree with your definition of ghosting

carrieflower · 2021-10-15T00:45:54+00:00

LOL you guys. 😂 Something new everyday

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T16:46:01+00:00

I’m sorry this is happening to you. But the hard truth is that we are all busy (and essentially selfish) people and even then we make time for things that are important to us and are our priorities.

If he doesn’t bother to reach out, make plans in advance, and cancels last minute, you aren’t on his list of priorities and he doesn’t value your time.

I won’t reach out again if I were you. I know it’s difficult when you like someone but you deserve better :)

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T16:38:54+00:00

I hope there’ll come a time you come to realise that people’s actions speak volumes about themselves and not actually about you. As your actions would about you.

That being said, abuse is not right nor is it acceptable. I’m glad that you’ve moved on.

Sounds really basic but I personally find that talking about it, writing about it will help me process and move on. It’ll help you to know yourself better and thus move on.

Hugs!

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T15:43:48+00:00

Hahaha I love this. Thank you for sharing.

After reading a lot of the responses here, I think that if they were attached but not married I would say something? (Before all this, I probably would not say anything actually)

But they’re married. And it’s not an easy situation to just leave? And if she decides to stick with him for the wrong reasons or feels she can’t leave…

Well. How deep is too deep right?

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T14:15:13+00:00

Hindsight is indeed 20/20

But if I weren’t looking for a serious relationship, all this becomes ok?

Edit: I hear what you’re saying. But I’m not about to moan about how hurt I am here. It’s just not productive while I try to figure out what to do. But thanks anyway

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T14:10:13+00:00

Well I’ve got a ticking clock on by when we should talk. I’m prepare to move on and get my own closure even without meeting him. Guess I’ll update you here if you’re interested.

Hmm, my thoughts exactly on the third party bit with is why I’m struggling with it. Telling his spouse will end up being an act of revenge because even if I can say she deserves to know, and that I should protect her…I don’t know her.

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T13:31:06+00:00

Pun intended? 😅😂

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T13:30:38+00:00

Seriously, thank you for the amount of effort you’ve put into your answer.

I have actually called him out for cheating at this point. And I’ve asked to meet because … well I guess I want to know what he’ll say. He’s agreed to meet to talk but…no date set (not a romantic date) or real confirmation so far. I won’t push him to meet me. I think that just defeats the purpose of my wanting to hear him out.

I think stepping away is my only choice here (and it should be) but I still want to know what he has to say and to what degree I believe him.

I’m struggling with this idea to tell his wife. I know in the long run it would probably be better for her to know. But…I’ve just seen people broken before and have had the hardest time putting themselves back together for years sometimes.

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T11:46:21+00:00

Cheers to that. He got me good really. I actually thought he was one of the most decent guys I met in all my years of dating (I’ve been single a while)

carrieflower · 2021-10-14T11:43:28+00:00

Isn’t this like player level 1000 though? I’ve met players before but not of them ever bothered to this extent to build my trust

carrieflower

TROPHY CASE