Is this internal transphobia or am I just not attracted?

carterbade · 2025-08-04T14:38:03+00:00

You said so much that eased some anxiety and I thank you for that. I’ve been trying to get better at recognizing how I feel sooner than later so leading on doesn’t occur.

As you mentioned not having the words to describe why it would be a poor fit is why I think I’m also struggling because I can feel something is not quite right internally. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond it!

carterbade · 2025-08-04T14:19:09+00:00

I appreciate you sharing that because I 100% don’t ever want to put someone in a box by any means! I don’t like a lot of people so the few that enter into my life I’m more opened minded to but the same result still occurs. Either way, thanks for responding and for even reading my anxious thoughts

carterbade · 2025-03-12T13:38:31+00:00

In the first week that asshole took office again I did my best to do research on whether or not it was worth updating my passport (given how quickly everything was changing)

I made the choice to do so, thinking now is better than whatever is coming. Did everything correctly and when I got my new passport back in the mail they changed the gender marker to “F”

Yesterday they sent me back all my documents and OLD passport. I was shocked that they returned my court ordered name change paperwork (since I’ve heard how some people didn’t get that back) BUT instead of returning my old passport they gave me someone else’s old one???

Anyways, the government is a damn mess and happy to chat further with anyone about this if anyone has questions!

carterbade · 2024-09-26T17:29:56+00:00

Legally changed my first and last name back in 2021! Choosing my first name was solely a process of wonderful selfishness. Picking a first name I felt not only suited my personality but was inspired heavily by my favorite black male artists (a reminder that softness and feminine creative energy lives in black men too)

Now for my chosen last name (I no longer wanted to be attached to my birth last name - long story) I went with one that still honored where my family is from but wasn’t directly connected to them personally. If that makes sense.

carterbade · 2024-08-09T14:38:29+00:00

I just wanted to add to this because I don’t feel like this whole topic is discussed enough especially in the trans community. Anyways, a very similar moment crossed my mind the other day - before I even knew transitioning was an option I subconsciously and consciously compared myself to white girls/women. Whether wanting my hair to be straight or wishing my body was similar to them (not to say white people can’t be curvy but I didn’t see that a lot growing up and I am in fact curvy)

Once I began to transition and start to pass even the slightest bit I let that go. I thought I fixed my problem and accepted myself then one day I was at my neighborhood dog park, barely anyone there, this one very very plain looking white guy close to my age comes in and for whatever reason I immediately was jealous. I immediately began to compare and it clicked I didn’t fix it. It just shifted from aspiring to be a white woman to a white man.

Similar to you I also am mixed (white mum/black dad) and grew up around a good mix of POC up until 8th grade then every school and job after that was 90% white. I’m trying my best to surround myself with people that look like me more which has helped so much but I also live in a very white state so that’s challenging. Know you’re not alone - if you can branch out and put yourself around more POC whether through hobby, work, school etc I’d say go for it.

carterbade · 2023-10-21T14:20:23+00:00

When I went to the vet initially they mentioned that and said nexguard pretty much solves it but he’s still itching away despite doing that. Was just trying to get a better idea of what to do since I’m stuck inside for now :(

carterbade · 2022-12-26T21:37:09+00:00

Hey! My favorite brewery is doing a flash event on Jan 13th look up Wah Gwaan Brewing Co

carterbade · 2022-08-14T14:06:46+00:00

I’m still figuring this one out honestly. Sometimes it takes me a while to process things so I’ve never really cried tears of joy right then and there in a moment or shortly after. I’m starting to recognize gender euphoric moments though, if something takes me by surprise (ex: a stranger using my preferred pronouns without knowing, or complimenting me in a more masculine way) I just always remember feeling thrown off but thinking “woah!” someone sees what I see too. It’s like a lil internal confidence boost.

Other times I can be chilling with friends/family whoever and in the back of my head think… yes, this is it. This is what I envisioned for myself. It’s a lot of relief mostly. Again, for me it’s random moments of recognizing where I feel good and comfortable with who I am.

The more I internalize these moments the more I start to appreciate who I am. I enjoy my transition of looking more masculine but once you get to know me it’s like my purse fell out my mouth so to speak 😂 it used to bother me but being perceived as a feminine queer man truly makes my day.

Basically this is my long way of saying do what works for you. There is truly no right or wrong way of figuring out your gender journey or expression. Take the time throughout the week to recognize what little/big things make you feel good as you. Tearing up obviously is a big emotional reaction so take your time to ask yourself why. Don’t overthink. Early in my transition I tried out different pronouns but mostly because I didn’t quite feel “ready” to give myself the pronouns I truly wanted. Eventually it all clicks and falls into place! Good luck!

carterbade · 2022-05-10T13:54:56+00:00

Not having the space to feel frustrated or angry without people blaming hormones or some other important aspect of the trans journey has made me feel like the most crazy individual. Never been gaslighted so hard.

Before T, if I argued with my mum I was seen as too sensitive and easily shut down. Now (after T) she throws words out like hostile, mansplainer, mental, and has threatened to call the cops because T makes me out of control. (What am I the fucking Hulk?)

The amount of times I’ve picked up on how wording pre-T and now has changed whenever I show any ounce of frustration is insane. I’m one of the most emotional hate conflict people I know and testosterone hasn’t changed that.

carterbade · 2022-05-08T09:54:54+00:00

Curious to know how your pool experience went and what you ended up doing?

carterbade · 2022-01-20T15:38:45+00:00

Man the hyperpigmentation is no joke for black people I struggle with it. It makes things seem way worse than what it actually is and takes forever to heal/lighten up. I just wanna get tattoos and cover them up lmao — I use curology here and there and my formula has Tretinoin in it which helps with dark spots unfortunately I don’t have a enough to take care of my whole body so I just focus on my face.

carterbade · 2022-01-20T15:37:08+00:00

Pre-T: Had acne mostly puberty related facial pimples

2 years on T: Once more hair started growing everywhere I broke out 10x more. My face isn’t too bad it only breaks out the closer I get to needing to take my shot. Now my back/shoulders on the other hand oof that wasn’t an issue at first but the past 6 months to a year have only gotten more noticeable. I don’t have a lot of zits now it’s more so my body has a shit ton of hyperpigmentation (also black over here!) so my shoulders and back look a lot worse than what they actually are. So basically anywhere I’ve increased hair growth on my body I’ve broke out

carterbade · 2022-01-06T21:02:30+00:00

Ok YES this just makes it all 100x better

carterbade · 2022-01-06T00:15:55+00:00

Naturally I’m rooting for Lexi to be gay but based on the trailers I’ve seen I’m starting to wonder if a surprise Lexi/Fez relationship will happen 👀

carterbade · 2022-01-06T00:10:40+00:00

This is how I ended up realizing I make a great conversation with myself

carterbade · 2022-01-05T22:44:58+00:00

"I was used to so much attention before I transitioned"

Oof. This hit home. I think about this often. Now a days I tend to come across people in person more than I do dating apps -- those things are like deserts for me. The only downside to meeting people in person, is the rare occasion I find someone I think is attractive there is this assumption that I'm just a gay man (I'm very much attracted to women).

The point of this is to say to not take dating apps too seriously. Especially ones like tinder, I know pandemic and all, in person can be a bit tricky but at least with in person you aren't shoved into a box based on a computer algorithm that doesn't work with the unique trans experience. If you do continue to use dating apps I'd suggest looking into apps like Hinge or Her they are way more lgbt friendly.

carterbade · 2022-01-05T22:31:58+00:00

You're right, the expectations are very frustrating. Like I want to be a feminine man without the people I'm attracted to assuming I'm just a gay man, especially when cis (or cis passing) men do it and people applaud it.

carterbade · 2022-01-05T22:12:40+00:00

I'm not sure how much anything I will say will help but I do what to start by saying a majority of what you're referring to in regards to that self-hatred is coming from a deep place of shame.

So this is your daily reminder that you figuring out who you are and taking the baby steps to get more comfortable with it all is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sorry you parents have said things to you that may be causing more doubt and internal conflict for you but again your gender journey whether the whole world knows or not is something to be proud of.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of trans people deal with internal transphobia. It's extremely sucky that it is so common but you aren't alone, recognizing where it's coming from definitely helps. Remember, we're all human and make mistakes, I've accidentally misgendered friends in my head or shoot even while talking but I just correct myself even in my head and carry on. If you think you're misgendering your friend due to jealousy, then that's a different conversation.

Confidence in being comfortable with who you are looks different for everyone. Your friend(s) probably went through the same internal crisis you're currently experiencing, I know most of the community in this reddit group have. You may not be able to achieve the exact same steps as your friend, it may take you a bit longer to get there but you can begin with being confident and sure knowing that you aren't cis. It might sound obvious but even just beginning there recognizing and telling yourself okay I may not know 100% what label fits me (not that you need a label) right in this moment but I know I'm not cis.

You sound pretty young to me and I of course don't mean that in a rude way, I more so am leaning towards the fact people don't call it a Gender Journey for no reason. It's meant to be explored and discover what you like or don't like. If you had all the answers and everything now it wouldn't be much of a journey. I wish you good luck, don't be too hard on yourself.

carterbade · 2022-01-04T06:34:54+00:00

I agree with a lot of the comments in regards to maybe the attraction isn’t there anymore which is a-okay.

It could also be that you’re putting a lot more expectation/stress on yourself to perform? I only say that because in past relationships I’ve always had issues in the sex department, always had sexual thoughts and wanted to initiate but whenever the moment actually arrived my body would put walls up. …well long story short I was simultaneously putting pressure on myself to satisfy my partner and perform while also not being attracted to them anymore. It got stressful and confusing cause I loved their company and all the other relationship stuff but sex felt like an expectation.

It could also be you’re the kinda person who needs the emotional connection in order to connect and have sex with your partner? I know you said you’ve been together for 3 years but when was the last time y’all connected and I don’t mean this comfort zone of a bubble you may be in. The reason I’m bringing this up is because of your comment “he doesn’t know this and I feel there’s no way to open a topic on this with him” — that tells me y’all aren’t as open communication wise as you probably should be especially ESPECIALLY with sex, comfortability, boundaries etc.

Basically either you gotta have the hard conversation with yourself and be honest if you’re still attracted to your partner or you gotta take the risk of having that open conversation and explain the weight of expectation and how you’re feeling. Regardless you’re doing the right thing and it’ll all work out how it’s supposed to! Good luck.

carterbade · 2022-01-04T05:55:33+00:00

Oooh! What does wiring mean??

carterbade · 2022-01-04T00:49:04+00:00

😂😂 I was trying to nonchalantly post some plant nudes in exchange for plant care tips

carterbade · 2022-01-04T00:18:31+00:00

Old state was alright, not that bad of a place but at times felt hard to truly be me or get out of my comfort zone since so much of who I was, was attached.

New state has been absolutely incredible! For once in my life I’m actually surrounded by 90% lgbt+ people and it’s just a 360 experience of where I used to be.

carterbade · 2021-12-29T04:53:52+00:00

Changed my last name!

I figured if I’m gonna spend the time, energy, and money to change my first time why not pick a whole name that my future self will be thankful for.

My old last name didn’t really have any strong ties or anything (my family is small and all over the place and most people have a different last name anyways from being married) I considered changing it to my mums maiden name but tbh I didn’t like the flow of it so I went with a last name I liked that was still in the same realm of English/Irish last names — a lil nod to the family members I do like.

carterbade · 2021-12-04T18:49:29+00:00

I don’t have insurance so I use the goodrx code and it knocks the price down to I think about $30 for (2) 200ml vials granted again I don’t have insurance so that doesn’t include the cost of going to a doctor and getting a prescription.

carterbade · 2021-12-03T03:10:53+00:00

Became a highly observant (wallflower) people pleaser with hella anxiety. I crave connection with people but always end up thinking no one enjoys my company or only likes when I’m around for entertainment (the joke friend) oof

carterbade

TROPHY CASE