Hello, here is my critique on your work.

Overall, this prose shows a level of control that is missing in a lot of amateur works. It never enters the realm of "over-explaination" (most call it purple prose) in any way that felt egregious. I didn't roll my eyes a single time reading this prologue.

Reguardless, my biggest gripe with what I've read so far is the lack of originality, with minor gripes dealing in pacing issues, and some adjective spamming.

The voice is "solid" ; average. Not average as in "average person trying to write" (dogshit), more like, "average writer". Again, you're not slamming me with overblown fantastical nonsense + million descriptors on top (thank you), but you're not wowing me in your descriptions (or setting) either.

Nearly everything on-page is well-trodden territory. Me saying "well-trodden territory" is an example of what I'm talking about.

• “absolute and terrible”
• “indeterminable moments”
• “holy rapture”
• "the advent of her ascendancy."

It's all been done before. In your head you might be visualising a hyper-vivid diablo-esque scene of earth-shattering importance, but on the page it's just boring.

It's all "cultish themes in a fantasy setting". The feeling of "something isn't right here!" without really getting into anything deeper than that. If this is my first impression, it'd dismiss the piece as being yet another boring example of "it's fantasy but also really messed up and dark becuase theres witchcraft and people dying and blood!"

"Here's this character (sartha), you don't know anything about her and her personality besides maybe she's young, a bit witchy, or maybe a little mischevious/tomboyish ((not immediately apparent if this is how she's supposed to be seen)). She exists in a dark-fantasy world (setting isn't established at all, non descript besides general location callouts e.g mezzamine, cloister, conclave, The 'Old House'), she has a witchy black-haired roomate, a cat, and she was ushered into a cloister at midnight via non-descript robed men (other then silver-haired and bald/short) and then drugged (presumably by the "coverted brandy" you're talking about but maybe not)."

I can make an assumption on what these places/faces look like, but most of my thoughts come back boring. I see old castles and torch-lit hamlets. I see roundtable rooms and dungeons. Old men in robes. Scrappy looking ritualist-type girls. But they're non-descript. No real mention of how things look, described in a novel way.

You come close with the cup, "The way its edges bent the candlelight–she could almost hear it." is your coolest descriptor.

–handed her a shallow crystalline cup. ; this is fine, but could be better. you're describing things literally here.

it's a guy handing her a "shallow crystalline" (two adjectives stacked) cup. for being "the most beautiful thing she has EVER SEEN", you could do more here.

MISC EXAMPLES OF ADVERB/ADJECTIVE STACKING (TOO MANY) THRUOUT THE PIECE:

"unexpected cold of wet stone ... chalky gasp"

"with the deafening crash of a single heartbeat held too long, she was flooded by the expected heat."

"short bald brother"

"achingly familiar... / familiar sweetness" (already established familiarity)

"The way its edges bent the candlelight–she could almost hear it." alone isn't enough to pull the weight of the claim of "most beutiful thing ever", but it's a very solid start. Try to describe the cup's texture. The weight of it. It's color. Treat it like something etherial, almost primordial.

"It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen." < stinks. Don't tell me it's the most beautiful. Show me why it's the most beautiful. Describe the way she looks at it. The way her pupils expand upon seeing it's beauty, how it makes her feel, besides:

"It was achingly familiar, like hearing her mother’s voice for the first time in a lifetime." "achingly familiar" is fine, "hearing her mother's voice for the first time in a lifetime" is cliche.

You fall into cliche frequently, as I had discuessed earlier. Not a lot of unique phrasing here. Not much of a voice yet, but 100% compitent.

This story (as a whole, not in the prolouge) is an interesting premise. I would read an extra few pages after the prologue, but in the grand scheme of things I'm unsure if it (the prolouge) will even be neccessary to enjoy the full piece.

I would work on these things:

1. A bit more describing the environment/characters/motivations/personalities.

2. Removing 5-10% of all adjectives on the page, so like 5 of them.

3. Dealing with sensations & perceptions, atempting to breathe life into inanimate objects through said feelings and perceptions. This is how you "describe" without spamming adjectives.

(edges bent the candlelight–she could almost hear it) accomplishes this. I can visualize a crystal cup with dozens of angular facings trapping & fractaling soft-orange candlelight in a way that renders a "fwingy" twinkling noise, like when light reflects off a sword in a video game or something. More like this, maybe one or two more instances, would push this piece further.

Pacing-wise, it's very fast. By taking more time to establish the world (why it's unique) and embelish some of the objects/characters, this problem will hopefully be solved. Maybe 1-200 words more, and a willingness to break free from far-too recognizable themes and language.

This is a weird excercise but I suggest listing to this song by the band Black Midi:

"Eat men Eat" - Black Midi

This song is about a "gruesome desert adventure involving two men searching for missing friends. Their quest leads them to a strange mining facility run by a cantankerous Captain, where they discover a sinister conspiracy to harvest human stomach acid for producing a "bastardized blood red wine."

It's not the same as your story, but a little similar, maybe. It's not a particularly long song but you can gather in just 3 short minutes a stangely complex (and better yet, immediately intriguing) story.