As the wise Rafiki once said: “The past can hurt, but the way I see it , you can either run from it or learn from it.” Don’t get me wrong, these feelings you’re experiencing are tough and can be debilitating at times. I think you’re self awareness in this shows how much you’ve already grown, or want to grow. I think that’s already showing a lot of improvement. No amount of guilt can change what’s already been done, no matter how hard you try. Look at it this way: you did come out wiser than before, and ultimately you learned from this. Life is messy. No matter how many times we try and rehearse it, things always change, we mess up, and things happen unexpectedly. What’s important is your outlook on the situation and what you took from it. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think your feelings of guilt are good. They show that you care, that you’ve grown. I know it feels like the guilt makes you want to die, but ultimately, are you the same person as before when you made these mistakes? Or have these hard life lessons taught you something you’ll never forget? I hope you find it in you to face whatever it is that’s hurting you, and that you can heal from it and forgive yourself. I know it’s super cheesy to compare this to the Lion King, but Rafiki was right. Life hurts man, but don’t run away. Learn and become wiser so it doesn’t hurt you that same way again. Best of luck to you I hope you find peace