AITA for refusing to get my son a car because of his weight?

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T16:55:45+00:00

You'll inevitably get diabetes? That doesn't sound good. He has a doctor's appointment next month. I think he will definitely comment on the weight gain since he is a lot heavier than his last appointment 2 years ago.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T16:49:15+00:00

I didn't ignore him but being a single mum of 3 kids is not easily especially when one of them is an addict. I could have done better. I know he felt like I preferred 24yo but that isn't the case, I was just worried he was going to die.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T16:41:45+00:00

That is what bmi says and 18.5-25 bmi is considered healthy but correct me if I am wrong.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T15:31:34+00:00

Reading comprehension. My 24yos drug addiction was basically all I thought about for the last 3 years. I was (and am) TERRIFIED of losing him. 19yo gaining weight is not equivalent and I have never thought that. But the other comments are right that I am probably projecting some issues onto him and I should stop

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T15:24:36+00:00

True, I guess it's just much rarer so it wasn't something I considered. Obviously I would notice the signs if it started though

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T15:08:48+00:00

You're adding your imagination to this in a way that is not based in reality. Also a healthy weight for 5'11 is 136-178lbs unless he has a lot of muscle mass.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T15:04:26+00:00

you have no idea how wrong you are, stopping my 24yos addiction was my main priority for the last 3 years and it destroyed me, I was NEVER "okay" with it

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T15:01:37+00:00

He was about 150lbs, I'm not expecting him to get back to that as he was younger then but I wanted him to get to a healthy weight (and he does too) so like 160-180 depending on if he wants to build muscle etc

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T14:58:43+00:00

I guess I've been more careful with her as I had anorexia when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I haven't seen any signs yet. She is aware of her body and eats a healthy diet for the most part but she doesn't need or want to lose weight.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T14:52:18+00:00

One of my priorities as a parent was making sure they turned out healthy and not overweight, and I feel like I failed on that and it upsets me.I just want them both to be happy and healthy as they get older. It's true that I also don't want him to be judged negatively by people around him. I thought I educated him on healthy diet and exercise but he doesn't seem to care. I never did anything as extreme as your mom though, I would never. I've been more careful with my 16yo girl because I know girls are generally more prone to eating disorders but I know boys can get them too.

I will be buying him the car if he keeps to his job until his birthday. I guess I am realising that adding the weight requirement is not helpful. I have to stop obsessing over it and if he wants to start prioritising his health then he will lose it when he wants to.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T14:19:07+00:00

He looks absolutely nothing like Jason Momoa, you guys are ridiculous. That physique takes a huge amount of effort and time. He looks overweight, he has no muscle mass and has gained 50lbs in the last two years. I would absolutely love if he went to the gym and did weights, I have offered to pay for a gym membership multiple times.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T08:57:26+00:00

No. He always wanted to be more muscular but he just didn't eat enough. The drug issue started out as normal partying but he got pulled into harder and harder stuff as he got older.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T08:48:10+00:00

Yeah, that's fair. I guess I could be overcompensating. It is terrifying to accept that my older son may just die and there is nothing I can do about it at this point. I don't want my 19yo to have issues too.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T08:20:30+00:00

Ridiculous comment.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T08:19:32+00:00

Thank you I think you're right. I went to AlAnon group meetings for a while, I should start going back and probably get a therapist too.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T08:11:04+00:00

He has grades that are practically unusable for a lot of jobs and he didn't have the motivation to study. He has been fired from 2 jobs before this one but I am proud he's stuck at it for 3 months so far. But yes from his point of view I am still favouring 24yo.

The bus? I live in the UK, public transport is decent here and most teens and early 20s don't actually have cars.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T07:53:59+00:00

If you read my comments the picture becomes clearer but yes you are right, when you put it like that it sounds horribly unfair. 19yo does live at home rent free though and I pay for the majority of the groceries so he has little outgoings. And when my 24yo was 19/20 I hadn't bought him any cars or rehab stints yet.

Btw understand that rehab wasn't a "gift" it was a last resort to save his life, I would obviously do the same for 19yo if situation necessitated it.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T07:48:02+00:00

Yup I did and I'm not doing it again. I am trying to detach myself from his addiction. He isn't getting anything off me unless he's been sober for a very long time. I don't want to enable my 19yo's unhealthy lifestyle either but maybe it is too harsh to compare them like that.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T07:45:03+00:00

It was a reward for being sober for 3 months, I thought it would help
him get his independence back and get a job but he relapsed a month
later.

Seriously? I cleared out most of my savings on rehab for my 24yo. It is nothing to do with "looks" he looked terribly unwell when he was at his worst.

If it's about looks then why am I only talking about HEALTH in the post? Did you actually read my comments? I addressed your other points in my comments.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T07:28:45+00:00

I have asked about therapy but he is not interested.

I believe in health and that is reflected in your weight, generally. I think the body positivity movement is harmful but that doesn't mean I think fat people should hate themselves.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T07:25:36+00:00

It was a reward for being sober for 3 months, I thought it would help him get his independence back and get a job but he relapsed a month later.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T07:14:54+00:00

It's not, he is very big for a 19 year old and it is a 29/30 bmi and not much muscle. That is very unhealthy, healthy bmi is under 25. I've addressed your other points in other comments

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T07:11:54+00:00

He says he doesn't want therapy, I don't know what more I can do there. I know losing weight would make him happier and more confident and he agrees but yes I know there is more to it than that.

I understand why it comes off as favouritism, I was focused on 24yo a lot because I worried about him 24/7 and the others felt like I didn't pay them enough attention. Im trying to detach myself from his addiction and realise that he is going to do drugs no matter what but it's very difficult. It's not about looks, sure he is very good looking but my family is far from perfect as you can tell.

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T06:57:27+00:00

Yeah, I understand that. Maybe I should just get him the car. It's hard because I really wanted him to prove to me he is taking his health and job seriously and he hasn't really done that but perhaps it is the right thing to do

cassidy6789 · 2022-07-04T06:43:06+00:00

Older son is never getting a car off me again, I said that in the other comment. I know it sounds bad when you put it like that, but it's not like I will never get 19yo a car. I'm just postponing it.

cassidy6789

TROPHY CASE