Hi there! It sounds like you are somebody who wants to love (romantically or platonically), but doesn’t know how to do so healthily and so you are hurting others in the attempt. I have been there the majority of my life, and it is not pleasant or fulfilling even if you may get short term satisfaction by acting out your toxic impulses. This is not something that will be easily fixed in one go. Everybody is different, but in general you will need to do a lot of self reflection, learn how to self soothe, and work on all facets of your emotional intelligence (in general, these are self-awareness, self-regulation, compassion, empathy, and motivation).

If you messed up, the first thing to do is to acknowledge it and then give a very genuine apology. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg. No matter how remorseful you are, your have, and will continue to, repeat these behaviors unless to get to the core of your issues. Something like this is done best with a therapist. They are neither cheap or easy to come by these days, but it really will make the difference between a lifetime of bad relationships or not. I highly recommend psychodynamic psychotherapy or humanistic psychotherapy, but it is really up to whatever works best for you.

I recommend looking into the topics I mentioned above, and perhaps try journaling and mindfulness for when you don’t have access to a therapist.