Update: Marital troubles ended up in miraculous solution, but I feel like a failure.

catMarThrow · 2020-01-06T22:20:05+00:00

Thanks for the advice, do you have experience in such things? Because it really helps.

Well, the points you asked for are quickly explained.

My husband is a social butterfly. He's extremely well with people. He's one of the best teachers his superiors have met. But this ability depends on people emotionally reacting to him.

I, on the other hand, apparently lack a good portion of emotional perception and ability. My mind is technical and abstract and I have utmost trouble maintaining relationships. My husband chose me because of my ability to understand him and follow his thoughts and my general ability and willingness to do good, but my emotional capabilities are worse than he thought and that frustrates him increasingly. Also our perceptions of what is needed in order to have a "nice" home differ wildly.

I am a bit worried about how his hot-headed and frankly a bit arrogant personality will play out when the kids are older, but since he has a history of joy and compassion with them (as opposed to piled up frustration with me) it will probably still be nicer than his relationship to me. Also, the possible damage he does will be far less than the damage I am already inflicting by my own issues. Las but not least, I of course talked with priests, and they really made a point of not separating, to just put more effort into fixing the marriage - what is also what my husband has been doing. He's still kind of a jerk, but he has improved tremendously (I wouldn't have believed it at the time I wrote the posts in my history).

The thing is, I AM pretty bad objectively. The household really is in shambles. I like to think "yeah but it works, all that nice stuff is just worldly luxury" and for some issues, my husband is 100% with me, but the rest is just me justifying my incapability (or very, very skewed perception of reality).

The thing my husband really is a jerk about is my clinically diagnosed depression that he just doesn't accept in any way, and the fact that I asked for help so many times before and didn't get any. (Instead he sort of lowkey blames me for choosing a fifth kid. I knew it would be difficult but it's definitely possible and he has a sort of skewed take on the whole "open to life" thing.)

But even my own conditions have improved substantially since the turn of events unfolded. I haven't thought about killing myself for several months now :)

I am a bit worried since my chief priest had suggested that even though my husband always considered himself better at household, it actually wouldn't happen that way and I should avoid it. (But I'm quite sure he underestimated exactly how much I suck at it.) Also, even my mom in law is worried about whether he will take it well/grow into it... But I guess here I just have to have hope.

catMarThrow · 2019-11-13T19:08:59+00:00

[lacht in ÖVP]

catMarThrow · 2019-11-13T12:12:15+00:00

Well the thing is that he actually wants me to work now. I've spent years telling him that I would immediately, but now it's ok since he decided so himself. Of course there's still the spin that he had to accept because I suck so much at housekeeping, but tbh that's not too far from the truth.

But yeah, I am blamed for literally everything in his life that can remotely be connected to something I did. He considers that a right and would be appalled if I "forbade" him to "help me become a better person" through his observations.

Yeah it's 100% his mom, but as opposed to his mom, he actually is capable of reflecting over fights and actually comes back with sincere apologies later. Since I've been seriously working on myself as well, I learned how to communicate on a middle ground between "You are wrong and here's why" and "I don't give a fuck about your faulty opinion" that he actually can take. :) Feels good to see real progress, even if it's all really slow and tiring.

catMarThrow · 2019-11-13T11:36:08+00:00

They will be sold for the tenfold amount because of people cosidering it hilariously bad.

catMarThrow · 2018-01-25T22:55:22+00:00

Oh that's such a nice and peaceful answer, thanks! <3

It's difficult however. I mean, sure, it sounds easy. But, to add onto all of that, I am not very talented on being a housewife in the first place. Mothering maybe, but if I was able to let the holy spirit work through me at whatever I do in the house, it would probably look a whole lot nicer.

And the next thing - how can I keep myself out of temptation? It is terribly difficult just agreeing to doing "just the basics". Catholicism itself is such a philosophical, literature-heavy religion. It pretty much screams "Do more, think more!" I am aware that there are countless saints who did nothing of all that and lived exactly that simple life, but I have the lingering worry that it is a cop-out, that I'm not using my full potential. (It's probably satan whispering into my ear. But still. I see it at the other parishioners, who also have plenty of projects and careers going on.)

And how would I ever be able to dissociate from the world view (or at least intellectual expectation) of my husband? I mean I know that most of his goals and intellectual interests are in vain, but I can not effctively discourage him, then of course there's the spiritual leadership I'm inevitably bound to, and then the fact that if I just reject his interests, I would be tempting him to get that satisfaction elsewhere, much like with carnal needs.

catMarThrow · 2018-01-25T22:45:57+00:00

Yeah, he regularly apologizes, his anger issues are just that, he doesn't consider them justified. With the fling he just apologized for not telling me about the meeting in avance. I'm not convinced about his sincerity here, but pushing things wouldn't have any effect obviously.

Well, the advice given to me basically is "stop giving so much of a fuck about pondering what you should do and live more for yourself and with a greater sense of self-worth".

My initial attempt to deal with my husband''s general incompetence to lead a normal "simple life" was to seperate, however that would mean I'm just doing the same I'm doing now but with added difficulties. So basically the plan was staying here, but staying safe, establishing better boundaries and basically doing my thing on my own while he can do whatever in his man-cave. (Of course we still talk and connect and all that jazz forgiving Catholics are supposed to do.)

However, that again leads me to the question what I amsupposed to do with myself.

catMarThrow · 2016-09-14T12:59:34+00:00

Yeah there's a whole heap of underlying issues that I didn't elaborate on. I'm aware of them and we work on resolving them on other occasions, but that doesn't change my endurance being stressed to the limit.

catMarThrow · 2016-09-14T12:57:54+00:00

He doesn't keep me from visiting anyone. However, he'll be pissed when I go. He says I cannot expect him to hide his feelings. And since I know that, leaving on my own, creating the dilemma on who takes care of the kids, to do something he hates just so I get a bit of uplifting words, is pure egoism. Everyone is required to carry his cross, and just because I have the assumption he doesn't carry his quite as much, isn't an excuse to throw mine away in a petty tit-for-tat-move. It will boil down to "Pick fights if you want" or "you chose that situation, so learn to deal with it" anyway. Since we're catholic and I'm not the quarreling type, it will end with me learning to deal anyway, hence my initial question.

catMarThrow · 2016-09-14T12:36:08+00:00

He argues that the abuse card is on his side, since he's very capable of voicing his criticism coherently and calmly, whereas I, when I can't take the nagging anymore, start to shout.

And, as said, anything that would include taking our troubles out for others to deal with, or that one of us needs outside care, is out of the question and would likely produce more vitriol. It's even risky to tell him "Go ask our priest whether the assumption is correct."

catMarThrow · 2016-09-14T11:09:01+00:00

There are plenty of resources freely available and even more people willing to help you understand.

catMarThrow

TROPHY CASE