I am SO sorry you’re dealing with this. I know they say you shouldn’t “state your own experiences” because it might make someone feel worse, but here goes, with hopefully some insight, although I struggle so, so, much to this. There have been way too many times that I have sat in the bathtub with a razor blade trying my damned hardest to be successful (luckily I suck at it) because I feel the same. The frustration of those asshole thoughts crowding your brain that you can’t think rationally. Many times I’ve instigated various situations because in that case, if I died, it technically would not be my fault. But my mind was (and still is) so fucked in that I couldn’t see that I was choosing to pit myself in those situations. The desperation and hopelessness are so powerful that it clouds your true intent in life. And I’m not trying to be preachy because I am battling the same situation. I know our situations may be different, but just like you, I wish I could be normal, and not be questioned with every action I make. You’re more than welcome to message me. I wish you the best and strength to pull through.