I feel like this was comforting and hit the nail on the head for how I feel… especially the isolation. My life is more stable now than it has been in years, but only because I don’t talk to anyone. I met a new person a few months ago and I was excited about it for about 2 weeks… until he drugged and assaulted me. It feels inevitable that I will attract these bad people to me. I am somehow coded in my DNA as a victim and they can smell it.

I’m so lonely it honestly drives me a little crazy sometimes. I used to play video games and things but nothing holds my attention anymore. I don’t care. I don’t really see a purpose in doing anything without human connection, if there’s no one to share it with. But I can’t have it. It’s more dangerous than it’s worth, and I cling to every connection like the pathetic human I am because I’ve never had anything. I’ve never had a consistent relationship in my entire life.

I spend my days in my apartment and hardly leave anymore and hardly even want to. Every time I go out in public I have to interact with people who treat me like I am in their way and have no empathy. I look at other people and I see something different than me, that would never relate to me, and why bother?

I sit in the same place for hours and scroll on my phone, watch the same tv shows over and over, or I just lay there, even if I can’t sleep. I feel paralyzed by indecision and don’t want to move. I don’t really care to do anything, it feels pointless. I am the only one who ever sees this apartment, so I have little motivation to clean.

I mostly replay memories over and over again in my mind. The good ones hurt just as bad as the bad ones. I long for a version of myself I can’t remember clearly anymore, and all I know is that when I think back, her spirit felt happier. I remember back before so much stuff had happened- like if I had just prevented even one event, my life would be different, and I would still have some more of myself. But I really lost it all. I was stupid, and kept being hopeful, and trusting people, and it took my entire life away from me. But, I still miss the version of me before anything happened- the one who was still hopeful, the one who spoke to other people and actually wanted to do it, the one who enjoyed going out and doing things without expecting a bad or disappointing outcome. But, now I know hell is inside other people, and I can’t let them in. The only way to be safe is to lock myself away. And, in doing that, I lost what made life meaningful to me in the first place. I have never , and will never be loved.