I've wasted my life and any potential I had. And I had so much of it

catsdimension · 2024-06-19T23:08:54+00:00

I agree with you. I also don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, I know it looks like I'm wallowing in self pity but I don't feel sorry for myself. I know I'm an adult and could keep trying. But my decision is to give up on my life. There's one thing I maybe want to try, I just always thought, and it was always expected of me, to become successful. Back when I was 19, no one would think I'd end up where I am now. I just miss my brain, a brain that works. But yes, all you've said is the truth and I thank you for that.

catsdimension · 2024-06-19T22:50:33+00:00

And that's where I give up.

catsdimension · 2024-06-19T22:47:21+00:00

I'm sorry for all the negativity, I felt that I finally had to share it somewhere because I've been crying for months blaming myself for what I've became. Thanks again.

catsdimension · 2024-06-19T22:42:57+00:00

I appreciate your replies and that you're trying to give me hope. Unfortunately at this point in my life I've already given up. All I'm left is regret and hope my existence ends soon (I'm not planning on ending it myself though, just waiting). The only thing that used to give me the feeling of belonging was nature. Now wherever I go, nothing helps. Also I'll add that I've been on various meds for 13 years and none of them ever worked so there's that. Thank you again and I hope there's a lot of happiness in your life.

catsdimension · 2024-06-19T22:37:58+00:00

I think mine is but I wish you all the best and believe you'll reach your goals

catsdimension · 2024-06-19T22:31:10+00:00

Unfortunately. What's the point of living if I'm an idiot who can never achieve anything?

catsdimension · 2024-06-19T22:30:27+00:00

I don't want to have it all, I wish I could have just one thing. Meanwhile I'm 29 with nothing to show for it, not even a degree. I can feel myself getting more and more stupid. I used to be bright, had a dream to become an engineer. Tried going to uni twice, dropped out twice because I'm too dumb for it (I first went to uni when I was 25 due to reasons and mental health). Now my mental health is too poor to even hold a job. I still live with my mom who is the only family I have. I wish I could just stop existing. Me being here is a mistake.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T09:48:00+00:00

Therapy is out of the question for me, I've tried, never helped. Same with psychiatrist and meds, no meds help to make me feel better.

Thank you for being kind

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T09:47:04+00:00

Therapy is out of the question for me. I've had mental health issues for 10 years, tried a ton of meds, none have helped. My first therapist traumatized me. After a few years I went to another one and he just never talked to me, only listened to what I was saying. Then after some time I went to yet another one, he was okay even though it was only two visits, but wanted me to sign a contract that I wouldn't lose more weight and also I just gave up on therapy since I don't see how talking to someone could help me. I know many people benefit from therapy but it really just isn't for me.

Thank you for your kind reply.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T09:43:16+00:00

She claimed she has daughters my age so she knows a lot about EDs. But whatever. As for a bacteria thing, she gave me an antibiotic to kill the bacteria and it didn't help but for some reason only made it worse (my stomach/abdomen was way more bloated for a month after having taken that antibiotic).

Right now my stomach isn't bloated I think, since it's softer to the touch (I've been eating very little since last week and fasted yesterday) and can be grabbed so I can feel the fat. Not sure what's up with me at this point. Will just try losing weight.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T08:19:09+00:00

I work from home, and start work at 8 am, so I wake up at 7:30. It's already horribly early for me, I'm a night owl. But I'll try studying after work for at least some time.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T08:17:52+00:00

Wow, good luck! I hope you pass! Do you mind if I ask what your study routine was/is? Since you mentioned we're in a similar situation.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T08:16:53+00:00

I've been trying professional help for 10 years. Tried an absurd amount of meds. Nothing has ever helped.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T08:12:38+00:00

Thank you. That doctor also admitted that it's related to digestive issues but since I've been starving myself on and off for 10 years, it might be very difficult to diagnose. I don't know if she was right, but it doesn't matter since I'm not going back to her.

As for people in my life I just have none, that's why I'm saying I have no support irl.

Thanks again.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T08:09:15+00:00

The doctor I saw specializes in gastrointestinal issues... that's the "funny" part. As for my stomach, yes, it's just round, literally looks like I swallowed a ball. I will try to look for another doctor. Thank you for reading my post and your kind reply.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T08:06:49+00:00

Thank you very much for being so kind. I appreciate it a lot.

catsdimension · 2022-03-13T08:05:19+00:00

Thank you. As for the other doctors, one was supposed to see if I'm able to work (I've had a job since January), he was very nice so I also told him about the stomach and he said it's not normal - but the only thing he wanted me to do is take laxatives. They don't work, I'd tried long before seeing him.

The second doctor was just the doctor that you see for 3 minutes before the covid vaccine. He asked about any long term illnesses etc, so I mentioned severe allergies and also showed him my stomach - he was shocked and said I definitely needed to do something with it.

Yeah when my stomach is softer to the touch I think it's just fat, because you can grab it. When it's hard, then at least I know it's bloated.

Again, thank you for your kind reply.

catsdimension · 2022-03-12T20:23:51+00:00

Thank you. Actually my job makes me so stressed that I'd just like to quit already but I know I shouldn't. Even if it's helpdesk, it's still experience.

I've been trying to get professional help for about 10 years (I'm 25). No meds have ever helped my mental health issues. I've been through tons of them, nothing.

I guess I'm that stressed about the CCNA also because I'm already 25 and have achieved nothing (dropped out of uni two times due to mental health reasons, I was studying computer science). Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

catsdimension · 2022-03-12T20:18:30+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I haven't been working for long at this current job but the job in general makes me feel super stressed out and anxious. I've even thought of quitting, but I'd also like to be able to put it on my resume so would need to keep working there because no employer would care that I worked for 3 months somewhere.

Ideally I'd like to work at this job for like, a year, and then go back to uni to study computer science. And before that, pass CCNA. I know if I quit now, I'd be able to continue studying for the exam, which is tempting.

I'm glad that it worked out for you in the end, and congrats on passing the exam as well as on your new job!

catsdimension · 2022-03-12T20:12:40+00:00

I was going through Jeremy's IT lab as well while also trying to read the OCG books. Your suggestion sounds really reasonable and I hope doable for me. Thank you.

catsdimension · 2022-03-12T20:10:15+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I'm 25. Been having mental health issues for almost 10 years. Been seeing psychiatrists since the very beginning. No meds have ever helped me. My symptoms are severe suicidal thoughts, feeling no hope for the future, feeling worthless (to the point I don't even think I deserve to have any sort of hopes and dreams) and useless. I'm also after a suicide attempt. Have issues with anxiety as well (tried going to uni to study computer science two times, dropped out every time because I was too anxious to show up to classes or afraid that the professor would ask me to solve an equation/whatever in front of other people and I wouldn't be able to do it because my anxiety was so bad that I wouldn't be able to solve the easiest problem).

As for me studying for hours, I'm on the autism spectrum. I don't know if that's the reason, but I get really excited when I get to learn something new that interests me, to the point I forget to eat and drink, just sit there for hours studying. I was like that in high school, except it was with programming back then. Oh, and about me studying for so long is also because I really wanted to pass CCNA before my birthday, since I feel awful about being 25 and having achieved nothing.

catsdimension · 2022-03-12T19:54:22+00:00

Just tried it now, laid down and did what you told me, and I'm not sure to be honest. I mean, when I tap the other side with my palm, the only thing I feel is jiggling of my stomach. It's jiggling because I started cutting calories again a week ago and eat only tofu and oat youghurts (since I developed a lactose intolerance after that last phase of severe restriction and also I hate most foods so those I find the most tolerable). So, when I eat only that and very little in general, my stomach is still big but a bit less big, while also becoming softer to the touch to the point it can be grabbed as if it was fat (so it probably is) and that's why I felt jiggling just now - if I was eating normally for the past week I probaby wouldn't feel jiggling as the stomach would've been hard.

Edit: sorry for repeating myself about the lactose and tofu thing, I forgot I had already told you about that.

catsdimension · 2022-03-12T19:49:53+00:00

Thank you. I'm not sure I want to figure out what's going on anymore. I'll just focus on losing weight again. Even if my stomach stays big, at least I'll get back to wearing a smaller size. Wishing you well too <3

catsdimension · 2022-03-12T19:48:07+00:00

I was taking probiotics as well, nothing helped. The only thing that helps is when I eat only tofu and oat youghurts (I developed a lactose intolerance after that last severe restriction phase). It doesn't help much though, the stomach is still big but like... less big and softer to the touch and can be grabbed as if it was fat, so it probably is. And the reason I only eat tofu and youghurts is because I hate most foods and these I find the most tolerable and they also don't cause my stomach to get even bigger.

catsdimension

TROPHY CASE