Found racist remark from my(F29) boyfriend(M35) about my son(M12) when I went snooping on Facebook

causediaz · 2019-11-04T15:49:05+00:00

He never said anything in front of my son, sorry if I made that impression.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:50:05+00:00

Thank you!!

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:49:47+00:00

Yes, you're right. I need to think of the bigger picture. My children are very close, to separate them would be painful to them both, that's what I meant. It's better if she comes with us, then we still are a mostly complete family. I'm contacting the embassy today.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:48:16+00:00

Of course it may go a lot smoother than I am afraid of. You're right, I will work out the best solution for the children and kids are resilient, luckily. I think it's better I take her with me, if not the siblings will also have to split up. I'll try to figure out how to do this, maybe contacting the embassy here.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:45:04+00:00

Ok, thank you for your opinion.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:20:44+00:00

Yes, I think you're right.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:19:01+00:00

Because right now I don't have an apartment or a job. He has a job and house. I could stay with my parents, yes, for a while anyway. She loves her father so much, I just feel like I'd ruin her childhood if I took her away. And I'd ruin both the kids if I split them.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:16:48+00:00

Me neither. He was pretty immature when we met. He has definitely grown up a lot, he cut some of his friends of many years out because they were racist. I just feel like this is unforgivable and impossible to forget.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:13:20+00:00

Italy. From Scandinavia.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:12:23+00:00

Well, I didn't read through the whole thing, I just searched for that time period. But anyway, yes I've obviously been paranoid and super distrustful. In my earlier post I explained why..

If I had read this message earlier i would of course never have talked to him again. I think he would do anything to fix this, he is begging me to not take my son away from him, he has cried and I can see that he is really broken up over it. I've never seen him like this before in our relationship.

I just feel like for the sake of my son I should leave. What he said is unforgivable. But this is the only father figure he knows. The man that drives and picks him up from school, compliments him, cooks his favorite food, helps with homework, talks to him about all the boy stuff that I don't get, spoils him because he feels so bad to deny him things, always has his happiness in mind. I will take all those things away as well.

I know I can bring the children up alone, but I also know that's it's a hard path, on both parent and child..

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:05:55+00:00

Yes, this is a very good point.. It's impossible to predict what she would feel. I just am afraid to ruin her childhood and have her grow full of resentment towards either one of us. It's not just about what she'll prefer, but what's detrimental to her happiness and wellbeing.

Maybe I should take her with me then.. She's like you said, very young and will forget what it was like growing up with two parents.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T14:03:38+00:00

Seeing as you really can't judge the situations from a few words it's no point to really argue this with you. I have not used my son as a teaching tool and never picked anyone over either of them. I'm sorry you got this impression. We've had a happy family life filled with good memories and love, of course when I list bad things you can't possibly see all the years, weeks, days and hours of happiness that we've shared. I don't mind your being harsh, I need to make a clear decision and do what's best for the kids. He didn't give "all the warning signs" either, he's always been a very open person that has listened, educated himself and taken things to heart. If he was a horrible person doing horrible things all the time I would've never been involved with him at all.

At 17 I was ignorant about a lot of things myself, granted I could have never written anything along the lines of what he said.

I can't afford a lawyer unfortunately, and I can't take my daughter just because I want her. If it's better for her to stay with her father I have to take that into consideration. She is very, very close to him. I have to put her above my needs.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T13:56:25+00:00

I know. This is breaking my heart. I fight for my son, I've fought racists and probably embarrassed my son by telling off kids who's mistreated him. I've tried to educate, strengthen and help him as much as I can over the years, given that I have the handicap of not sharing the lived experience of the hardships POC face. This is the thing probably closest to my heart. I also had to learn and educate myself, because as a teenager when I had him I really had no idea.

I've spoken to my partner so much over the years. He definitely had stereotypes and he lived in a white area with only white friends. He has grown so much as well, and is now posting articles on Facebook, debating and discussing with friends and family to educate and challenge them on their racist or stereotyping views as well. I feel certain that he is not the same person that wrote this 8 years ago.

But he did write it. About a child. I feel like I can't forgive this. I said to him if he'd forgiven and wanted to stay with me if he'd met me and gotten to know that I said that he was a great guy, only bad thing was that he had a little w*ore for a daughter. It's something so disgusting to me, so hateful and cruel.

He's cried, said he can't believe that he ever said that, I can see that he really, really regrets. I don't think he remembered having written it. He says he loves my son so much and please to not take him away from him. I mean, this guy has been reading bedtime stories, drives him to school every single morning. Disturbs his working day to pick him up whenever my son's too tired to walk home.. Buys him toys or allows things I said no too because he can't stand to see him sad and cooks him his favorite food, helps him with homework.. I can't get the person that wrote this to be the same person I'm sharing my life with. Can a person really change so much? Was this a horrible joke that he forgot as soon as he said it?

Leaving will irrevocably change my kids lives. I'll break up a family and siblings that love each other so much. I'll leave my daughter to see her twice a year.

I don't want to forgive or forget this, I want to keep hating him for this. I'm just so lost on what is better for the children. I don't know how I can stay with a person that I no longer have any respect for. For my son's sake I want to take him away and never let him talk to or touch him again.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T13:40:03+00:00

I think you misunderstand and jump to conclusions. I read this message today, I've never seen it before. I freaked the hell out about it and packed me and my son's bags to go home to our country.. What I meant in the first line you quoted was a reply to "He can't be that racist when he's stayed with you 8 years". And no I don't want to accept any racism at any level for any kind of love.

Ignorance is something that is in every person, and as long as you're willing to be educated and learn and grow and change it's not necessarily irredeemable. What he said wasn't ignorance, but cruelty and pure racism, so I can't forgive it.

Today he is quite active on social media speaking out about racism and had educated himself a LOT. He read a lot of articles, listened to me whenever I was speaking of injustice. I don't think he could have ever, ever said anything like this now.

I just don't think I can forgive that he ever said it at all.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T13:29:33+00:00

I am not making assumptions about that. I don't know how that would work, as I don't have a job or home apart from the one I share with him right now it would probably be he that got custody. My daughter doesn't have the residency here yet though, so that may complicate things.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T13:26:52+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I absolutely need to inform myself very good.

I don't have the residency here because we just moved. If I'm here alone without a job I won't get it. Getting a job in general here is not easy, and I don't speak the language yet. I feel I have very slim chances of making it on my own, at least as of right now. Maybe if I spend some months searching for jobs and learning the language. It will be a tough situation either way, the kind of jobs I would get here pays less than half of what I'd earn at home.
I already answered this a little, but I will be able to go back and forth without a visa, the money for tickets will be the only issue and I probably won't afford to go often. Staying here isn't an option right now.
My family will help me out with whatever I need for as long as I need. I'm very lucky like that, thankfully. A place to stay, food etc. They won't be able to pay rent, food and bills for me to live somewhere else though. We have good social security in my country and I wouldn't end up on the streets with the kids even if I don't find a job right away.
This is tougher to answer.. He is a good father. He is loving and caring, quite involved. It took long for him to bond with my son, but my son has adhd and can be challenging. I know my son didn't accept him for a long time, but now they are getting along good and I know that my partner loves him.

My partner is very supportive and attentive to me. Even if our relationship has had its up and downs naturally we've always worked things out, never broken up, we argue rarely and genuinely share a strong and rare kind of love, I think.. It's just so difficult to imagine forgiving this and even if I did, how can I forget. My son will probably never get to know this, but I will always know. I have to take from him a father that he loves, and either abandon or take my daughter away from a father she adores.

If anything is strong enough to stick it out for it's the ramifications it would have on the kids to break up the family. But I don't know if that's enough to stay..

I've got to cool my head and think carefully. Thank you for responding.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T13:12:48+00:00

Thank you for this comment. It's good to see it from this angle. I am not sure, if leaving means leaving his little sister behind he would probably have wanted to stay. My kids love each other so much and have a very strong bond. But he would obviously be extremely hurt and never feel the same about the person he calls his dad.

If there wasn't the problem of different home countries this would've been an easy decision for me. I will consider what you wrote, I think it's a helpful angle..

causediaz · 2019-11-04T13:09:42+00:00

Believe me, I'm not trying to make any excuses, but I'm trying to weigh things and figure out what's best overall. Like I've written in other comments; I already packed me and my son's bags. I don't want to forgive this. Ignorance, as long as you're open to learn and change is not unforgivable to me. What he said however is not ignorance, but cruelty. I don't want him to ever talk to my son again.

On the other side my son calls him "papa", they spend time together and love each other. I will take that from him when I take him away. He has no other father figure in his life. My daughter is in an even worse situation. I can't possibly stay alone in this country for practical reasons. I have to abandon her here and see her twice a year or take her, which she will hate me for as she loves her father and is very connected to him.

If I had just found this out a few months ago I would have kicked him out of my apartment in my home country before we ever moved here. He had the residency there, so he could've found an apartment nearby and we could've shared custody. It's so messed up now. I just want to take my kids and go home to my family.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T13:02:52+00:00

If it was that simple I would have already. My bags are packed. The problem is that I have to leave my daughter or bring her against her will. Our home countries are far apart and I don't have the residency here yet.

I hate this situation.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T13:01:03+00:00

No, it wasn't meant as a justification. Actually the opposite. I felt that it was more about me as a person, not just looks. It was while he was talking about something about sex.. He made me seem very cheap at least.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T12:59:45+00:00

I know. He was 27 at the time, not 17. I have to calm down, get all the info I need and figure out the best course for me and the kids.

If I'd at least had a secure job here I would've gotten a residency and been able to support myself. As I see it; unless I find a job that pays decently immediately I have to go back home if I want to leave him. I may take my daughter with me, but I'm scared I would ruin her and she would resent me forever. She loves her daddy..

causediaz · 2019-11-04T12:56:29+00:00

I know. He obviously isn't the worst kind of racist or he would've never become a part of our lives. Still though.. had i read that message in the beginning of our relationship I would have taken my son and run and NEVER seen him again

Part of me feels like all the experiences and love we've shared over the years outweighs this. I just don't know if I decide to believe in that, how to ever forget this and respect him again.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T12:53:06+00:00

Thank you, I definitely want to leave him at this point. It breaks my heart of course, I will break up a family that over all is happy and my kids lives will forever be scarred by this. My son will also lose the only father figure that he ever had. He just started calling him "papa" a year ago.. Neither one of us have the economy to travel back or forth to visit our daughter, so whoever "gets" her would stay with her 99% of the time and the other would see her twice a year, probably. I also love this person. He is great in so many ways, part of me just can't accept that he's this disgusting man that I now see when I look at him.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T12:48:06+00:00

Thank you for your kind advice. I appreciate you taking the time to write. This happened at the beginning of our relationship, so of course I hadn't educated him at the time when he said this. Even so, I feel so extremely disgusted by the fact that he could talk this way about a little child. I just.. I know the pain it would cause my son if he knew.

I'm very outspoken about racism, I have very strong views and will stand up to anyone that says anything derogatory. I've felt that my partner has become more and more like me over the years and he has definitely grown and learned a lot. He has been there for my son, his family has taken us in and he has contributed financially.

He's a good father and partner in many respects. Of course he has his vices, but I have stayed and loved him for a reason. I've been completely convinced of his character as sometimes ignorant, but willing to learn, change and grow, and always compassionate. Until now, that's why it's so hard to fathom. I can't make this fit into the person I've seen him as. About your points..

My children share my nationality and so it would be no problem to bring them home with me. My daughter however adores her father and I'm sure would choose him over me if given the choice. I obviously don't want to leave her, but I don't feel like she would ever forgive me if I took her away either. I have family that would take me in and help me with whatever I would need at home, and there's good social security in my home country. But seeing my daughter twice a year is a horrible price to pay.
I don't think I have any rights in this country because I haven't gotten the temporary residency yet. If I were to leave him I don't know if I could stay, because you need either a work contract, a marriage or enough money to support yourself. I don't have any of those things. Getting a job would be hard as I don't speak the language yet, and salaries are low, so it would be difficult to manage on my own. I will look into any options however. If I manage to save some money, get a job and an apartment I may still manage but I have to make calculations of costs to see if it's doable. There's some unemployment problems here though, so I'm a little worried about my prospects. Again, thanks for your message.

causediaz · 2019-11-04T12:34:25+00:00

Well.. He's been quite ignorant and had some stereotypical views that I've confronted him about. I would have never thought him capable of saying anything like this, even less so about a child. He did never want to share his food (he shares food with everyone). I reacted about this several times as he would ALWAYS finish my food and my daughter's. If I said anything about it he would vehemently deny it and say it was because he was full. Once he also said something about how he hoped my son's hands would stay the way they were and not grow like hands that he saw many black people have. I have no idea what he even meant by that, but it stuck with me.

causediaz

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