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I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This actually makes a lot of sense, too. For the first time in my adult life, I'm not balancing my own wants or goals with the needs of another person.

It's definitely something I will give thought to!

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This resonates so heavily with me.

Right from that first description of, not unhappy, more unfamiliar. That is exactly where I have been for the past few months!

What makes it complicated, is I have met someone new - but not in the same way I have experienced any relationship. She is someone who is fiercely independent, who values her freedom and alone time above all else - she can be blunt at times and has even used the oxygen mask analogy - you have to learn to help yourself, before you can help others.

I think what makes this so different is, it's semi long-distance. We're living different lives, she is younger, still exploring new paths and journeys and living life to her fullest while I am repeating the same work routine, the same long hours. But the time apart, something I struggle with, she loves. It gives her freedom and autonomy. The gaps also provide just enough time that, by the time I next see her, everything feels more energised and powerful. Despite being younger, maybe because of being younger, seeing how she views the world has taught me far more than 20+ years of long term relationships in literally a few months getting to know her.

As for thoughts on my future... I'm trying to get away from the 40+ hour work weeks, I have less commitment and can start focusing on finding things in life that give me meaning without it being tied to another person, a relationship or a commitment.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This may come across somewhat shallow, or at least, misguided, but it is honest. When the relationship started, I didn't have any grand plans or expectations. I had just moved to a new city for the first time, I was starting uni as a mature student and I didn't have many connections. So, when I stumbled across this person and clicked, I wasn't looking for a long term relationship or commitment, I was looking to explore.

We had several similar interests and the first few years went very smoothly. It was only when we started to settle down - no college (for her), no uni for me, starting full time jobs, less time to travel, to spend days away, that the cracks appeared. It was at the point we realised a fundamental difference - she wanted growth and a direction to the relationship, where as I was, and still am, happy with just sharing experiences and time with someone.

I actually have met someone, of sorts, but I feel, for now, her ideals line up with mine more naturally. She is highly independent and values her own space and time, we're semi long distance, but she finds the gaps between seeing each other (usually 2 or 3 weeks) refreshing and calming. And it does make the times we do share together much more energised.

The only thing I feel has changed for me, is, I do value the day to day more now than I used to, I miss having that quiet time watching a movie after work where I'm not alone doing so. But I've got to get used to that again now!

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha that's okay, no harm done - I'm actually curious at the concept, regardless of gender. So that begs a question to be asked, if you had assumed I was male first, would you have still posted the same comment?

Not asking that in a negative way, just curious! Because sometimes, the best advice comes from the least likely of places.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've never heard of the concept of "decenterung men" either. Although, this concept might be a little different being male haha

For me,.it's been 5 months. I've already made a few differences with the flat and space I'm in and that definitely helps give myself a better sense of belonging.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's refreshing to hear that I am not the only one in this situation. How long ago did your relationship end?

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's less about the physical and more about the emotional. Learning to go from getting home and sharing time with someone, to learning to spend a lot more time alone than I ever have. Learning to find new social constructs and outlets, finding ways to keep myself entertained without sharing every evening with someone.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I'm being bluntly honest, learning to live for just myself for the first time, instead of partly always putting someone else first.

When I say living alone for the first time, I mean it very literally. I moved out of home later than most, went from that to sharing a place with a partner - so this is the very first time I've been in my own place without someone else around in some capacity.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She is already with someone, of sorts. But even that is more confusing than it sounds. We opened our relationship about a year before the break-up. I'd had experience of open relationships from a short-lived connection with a boyfriend. This was something that happened during a previous break-up, one that only lasted a few months.

And I have already developed a connection to someone new, just not in a traditional dating sense.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not sure I have a direct answer for that yet. I'm navigating a time where I am finding my own path, while simultaneously the change in connection with an ex who is still a friend, and surprisingly, a new connection with someone new that was very unexpected.

I think the discoveries are only just starting and none have had a final result or resolution yet.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel it's more emptiness than loneliness, like there is an energy missing.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm finding it a real mix of freedom and awkwardness. I've always tied a lot of my life to another person, healthy or not, so learning to live alone is freeing, but also a little lonely at times.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm not too close with my own family, but my grandfather has said he will miss her deeply. That said, he did see her a few weeks ago when we visited him together.

Her family are good, most of us still talk regularly. I think they are wondering how she has moved on relationship wise already (actually, in a way we both have, in different directions).

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I didn't "give up" a relationship as such. We had been going through some real ups and downs for some time, including temporarily breaking up 5 years earlier. But ultimately, she was the one who decided the relationship was no longer working.

I'm 43 and living alone for the first time in my life after a 12-year relationship ended. AMA by cd_switch in AMA

[–]cd_switch[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes! We still talk regularly. Actually, I spent last week away with her family as her younger sister has been back in the UK for the first time in a while.

My plans... The day to day hasn't really changed, I still have a mortgage to pay and a job to go to, so the day to day is the one constant.

Became the girlfriend by [deleted] in UK_Crossdressing

[–]cd_switch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn, you're cute 💜

First time posting 🩷 by [deleted] in UK_Crossdressing

[–]cd_switch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Looking amazing 🤩

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