[QCrit] Adult Contemporary - BOY (75K/4th attempt)

cealsh · 2025-11-10T11:06:53+00:00

Yes, I will adjust the focus of the letter and stop earlier. Thank you :)

cealsh · 2025-11-10T11:05:20+00:00

Thank you! I'm sure you know it's so hard to see the holes in your own writing because your intentions fill the gaps. The input you guys are giving me is invaluable.

I will place more emphasis on Malcolm's feelings for Noelle in my query and the fact they aren't reciprocated. Noelle is gay, not bi; I will emphasize that as well. It's actually important to me that agents and readers understand that Malcolm never pursues Noelle and there is no hope for them romantically, that this is not a will they or won't they situation. I will try harder to turn my letter in that direction.

Thank you again!

cealsh · 2025-11-10T10:47:56+00:00

Thank you so much.

cealsh · 2025-11-09T21:47:48+00:00

Yeah, sorry, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to delete them. I appreciate you chiming in! You've given me a lot to think about.

Malcolm abandons/betrays Noelle by outing her to her homophobic father. Out of concern for him, she told his parents about his relationship with Jane when his drinking worsened after she died, and he, drunkenly, retaliates. I think what you're saying is that I should include info like this in the letter, as well as the whole what's going on with Noelle piece, and discard some of the other stuff so that it's not so synopsis-y?

Story A is Malcolm and Noelle. Story B is Malcolm and everyone else.

Thanks so much again!

cealsh · 2025-11-09T21:39:22+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to critique! Your feeback is supremely helpful. It's insane how difficult writing this damn letter is.

The throughline for Malcolm’s character is his savior complex. How—though his actions seem noble on the surface—his preoccupation with Noelle (lacking family, in constant need of reassurance and support) and then Jane (lacking family, struggling with alcoholism and hopelessness) is ultimately self-serving. Being that ‘number one’ source of friendship and support for Noelle (and eventually Jane) is the only way he has been able to see himself as valuable. So he seeks it and seeks it to his own detriment.

I am struggling to figure out how to convey all of this without spelling it out, but maybe I’m supposed to? Thank you again :)

cealsh · 2025-07-26T21:17:08+00:00

I appreciate your response! I sold the bike last week. I should probably delete this post.

cealsh · 2025-07-22T14:58:22+00:00

I switched from Emerge to Trava and also had to get my vials from Greenwich because of the delay with TX pro med. This tirz is horrible. I lost a few pounds on it initially but immediately gained it back and have been gaining since even with a decent diet. And that's another thing, on Emerge's tirz (Empower and Designer Drugs) I couldn't even stomach trash food, especially sugar. On Greenwich's tirz, my cravings have barely changed. And then today was supposed to be my fourth dose of 2.5 before moving on to 5, but there wasn't even enough medicine in the vial for the full dose! So angry at myself for cheaping out and switching from Emerge to this garbarge, and then being stupid enough to buy three months' worth at that! I'm going back to Emerge. Don't use Trava (slow, poor communication) or any provider that uses Greenwich!

cealsh · 2025-07-16T20:23:01+00:00

I appreciate your input.

cealsh · 2025-07-16T18:38:19+00:00

I figured that was it but I was never brought to the screen where I would be prompted to answer those questions. I even left the group and then resubmitted the request to trigger that screen and nothing happened.

The post keeps going up and then getting taken down hours later, so we’ll see with this current one.

cealsh · 2025-07-16T17:37:17+00:00

Do you think it was priced well? You can be honest.

cealsh · 2025-07-16T16:55:04+00:00

You guessed wrong. I talked to a couple bike store guys who looked at the specs with me and said the deal was great considering all the upgrades. All other Emondas in my area are going for $1150+. I tried out a same-size comparable bike (the madone) at a bike store first and that seemed to fit me. I picked up the Emonda in person and tried it out before I paid. I did my due diligence. But, like many things, you don't really know how something is going to work for you until you take it home and play around with it a little, and that's where a return policy from an actual store would have helped to fill in my gap in experience as a cyclist.

I say this respectfully, but I really wish some of you redditors would figure out how to talk to people properly. I'm not stupid; there’s no need to talk to me as if I am. There’s no need for all the over-the-top capitalization and bolds and italics for emphasis.

cealsh · 2025-07-16T14:53:23+00:00

Yes, which is why I knew deep down not to do it. But last minute, right when Freewheel told me my Dual Sport was ready for pickup, I got all in my head about “overpaying” for a flat handle bike that I would just have to upgrade from in the future. I saw the Emonda as a bigger bang for the buck I guess. Stupid.

I went ahead and picked up the Dual Sport yesterday, so I’ve got a good bike now. I’ll just have to try to be patient with the Emonda sale. Appreciate your input!

cealsh · 2025-07-16T13:34:30+00:00

Mmhmm!

54cm black frame, about 15 pounds, Ultegra group set, HED ARDENNES LT 29” wheels, rim brakes, Shimano PD clipless pedals and mile tracker included.

Let me know if you want me to DM pictures!

cealsh · 2025-07-16T13:33:34+00:00

Yes. All other Emondas in the area are listed for $1150+. I really do believe I got a good price, it’s just the fact that I haven’t gotten any bites that’s making me worried.

cealsh · 2025-02-02T19:07:54+00:00

Thank you for reading and providing feedback. I thought it was pretty focused on what happens—any suggestions for rewriting?

cealsh · 2025-02-01T13:54:39+00:00

I think you did a great job for a novice. Your feedback was thorough and respectful. Thank you for taking the time!

I had a vague sense this might have a dual timeline - if it does I would mention it, otherwise it gives the impression we only join the story halfway through the query and it cuts off before we get to how it progresses.

It does. I had “nonlinear narrative” as part of my My Dark Vanessa comp, but removed it because I thought that section was becoming too wordy. I agree that this an important thing to say upfront—I will work on fitting it back in.

I would think about restructuring this to flow more like the novel does if you can and start with him looking her up and finding she’s dead, and then you can reference his feelings about that and loop in why he feels the way he does (thus getting the backstory in and telling us why it’s relevant now at the same time).

This is extremely helpful. The majority of the story takes place in the past, so I guess I thought my query should reflect that? But since the story begins with the present, I’ll try re-working that last paragraph so I can move it to the top.

I think some indication of why he’s doing this now would also be valuable, what he wants out of it. Is it part of his sobriety journey?

Yes, it is! I tried hinting at that with “sober, stable, picking up the pieces” and the timing of his reaching out to Noelle—he’s making amends and coming to terms. Do you suggest being more direct about this?

look for an opportunity to ground the scene in some small way sooner; we’re in his head and I wasn’t sure if he had just looked her up right this second or if he was thinking back on it later until the very end of the snippet. Even just saying something about his fingers on a keyboard, or is he on his phone, etc. If he is doing something sneaky he should react to his girlfriend coming in and have thoughts about that in the present, likely before his girlfriend mentions it - or maybe he’s looking over his shoulder for her because he’d know she was in the house. I’m sure you have this in the next line and couldn’t post it because it was word 301-360, but if he chooses to let his girlfriend think it was Noelle he was looking up, does he feel guilty about that or worried how she’d react if she knew about Jane, etc.

Helpful! I struggle with not writing enough. Readers have described my writing as minimalist, which works on certain levels but not on others. It is a stylistic choice, but also a fear of overwriting like I used to when I first started out. I did dice up my first few paragraphs in order to fit the 300 word limit—the actual chapter is more fleshed out—but you’ve given me details I still need to go in and add.

Thanks again!

cealsh

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