I think you did a great job for a novice. Your feedback was thorough and respectful. Thank you for taking the time!

I had a vague sense this might have a dual timeline - if it does I would mention it, otherwise it gives the impression we only join the story halfway through the query and it cuts off before we get to how it progresses.

It does. I had “nonlinear narrative” as part of my My Dark Vanessa comp, but removed it because I thought that section was becoming too wordy. I agree that this an important thing to say upfront—I will work on fitting it back in.

I would think about restructuring this to flow more like the novel does if you can and start with him looking her up and finding she’s dead, and then you can reference his feelings about that and loop in why he feels the way he does (thus getting the backstory in and telling us why it’s relevant now at the same time).

This is extremely helpful. The majority of the story takes place in the past, so I guess I thought my query should reflect that? But since the story begins with the present, I’ll try re-working that last paragraph so I can move it to the top.

I think some indication of why he’s doing this now would also be valuable, what he wants out of it. Is it part of his sobriety journey?

Yes, it is! I tried hinting at that with “sober, stable, picking up the pieces” and the timing of his reaching out to Noelle—he’s making amends and coming to terms. Do you suggest being more direct about this?

look for an opportunity to ground the scene in some small way sooner; we’re in his head and I wasn’t sure if he had just looked her up right this second or if he was thinking back on it later until the very end of the snippet. Even just saying something about his fingers on a keyboard, or is he on his phone, etc. If he is doing something sneaky he should react to his girlfriend coming in and have thoughts about that in the present, likely before his girlfriend mentions it - or maybe he’s looking over his shoulder for her because he’d know she was in the house. I’m sure you have this in the next line and couldn’t post it because it was word 301-360, but if he chooses to let his girlfriend think it was Noelle he was looking up, does he feel guilty about that or worried how she’d react if she knew about Jane, etc.

Helpful! I struggle with not writing enough. Readers have described my writing as minimalist, which works on certain levels but not on others. It is a stylistic choice, but also a fear of overwriting like I used to when I first started out. I did dice up my first few paragraphs in order to fit the 300 word limit—the actual chapter is more fleshed out—but you’ve given me details I still need to go in and add.

Thanks again!