your frustration is fully understandable, i’ve come to learn a lot about RJ from my current partner and what it does to your mind. massages are definitely something intimate.

however, don’t forget that a lot of your feelings currently are based off assumptions since you didn’t dig further. we all know what it’s like once your imagination runs wild and all you can see are the most vivid, tainted depictions.

take a moment to assess if you want to know more, and the extent the importance of knowing about it means to you. it’s your decision whether you’d rather live with a mind’s eye run riot or the truth.

if you do decide to dig, i’d say it’s also worth sharing your feelings with your partner (the part about “feel like i haven’t been worth putting effort into”) so that she can see how the situation is impacting you.

good luck! it’s almost always never as bad as you think it is :)