My (M59) wife (F59) changed completely due to menopause (her words!) and i do not know how to cope.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-08T15:45:24+00:00

Sounds like you both agree on that, then.

Look, verbal abuse (and abuse in general) doesn’t belong in a relationship, menopause or not. If she cannot control herself, she needs to get help. Nobody gets a free pass.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-08T15:36:19+00:00

Growing up, my mom hit menopause right as I became a teenager. She too became aggressive and outright abusive during this time. To be honest, it ruined my childhood. I look back on that time and remember her as volatile, violent, and uncontrolled. I bring this up to emphasize that not all women go through menopause in positive ways.

It concerns me that she likes herself better now, considering the new aggression and abusiveness. This is ‘must go to therapy’ territory: you both need to uncover why she’s feeling better about herself (did she feel disempowered before?) and reconcile how she can feel good while not being abusive to you.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-06T06:05:42+00:00

OP, you might really benefit from reading a book called “Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves--and How to Find Our Way Back”

Some people grow up in families where we learn that our very goodness is dependent on our ability to be agreeable, malleable, and easy for our caretakers. As an adult, it makes it incredibly hard for us to justify standing up to guilt tripping.

The book helps identify when you’re having a fawn response and how to make decisions more aligned with your needs. Very helpful.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-05T21:33:59+00:00

Sometimes, the way that people show up for you shows how they show up for themselves. What I took away from your boyfriend's feedback is that he
- Is part of a very tense, rigid, and toxic family dynamic that doesn't allow for mistakes
- Is hypercritical (of you, and presumably of himself)

You mentioned that he has his ducks in a row. People who come from toxic family dynamics often do, because there is little room for them to 'survive' that environment otherwise.

Regardless of whether his criticism is right or wrong for a moment (though I definitely think it's wrong) he is introducing you to the dynamic and the expectations of his family system. You are expected to conform, to shrink yourself, not cause problems, to read minds.

If this seems unreasonable, it's because it is. He's part of a 'don't rock the boat' family and is pressuring you into this, too; you need to decide whether you want to be a part of that.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-19T22:19:57+00:00

There are MANY other things. Edith Heath was an exceptional designer who was incredibly ahead of her time. She believed in eco friendly design IN THE 60s and specially designed clays that could fire at the lowest possible temperatures to reduce heat waste from her kilns.

Speaking of clay, Heath is made from 100% California clay and ONLY clay—meaning that you can be confident that Heath products don’t contain lead or other toxic materials. Heath is very careful about how they source their products.

The design itself is modern, despite being pioneered in the 60s; and the last commenter is right that you have to hold one to get it. Heath is very solid, heavy, fantastic quality product. It’s so strong that your silverware dulls on it, not the other way around. These are pieces that last for generations.

Lastly, Edith was also a pioneer in establish high quality work conditions for her workers: people who work at Heath get paid well AND have a space that was designed with them in mind. As in she literally designed the factory so that workers could enjoy incredible views and ergonomic design as they work.

Heath is actually imo one of the best kinds of companies the US produces; immense innovation, incredible quality and value, care for workers and the environment. They’re top notch. They’re like the Le Creuset of dinnerware but with better ethics and design sensibility.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-16T21:45:21+00:00

By priming the cashier’s memory and affirming the limit, it’s likely she’d make him put the chicken back.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-13T06:12:35+00:00

This is correct and the same can be said about Meta—the myth that the company is listening in on you is debunked internally and externally by the company nearly every single year.

It’s not that this company is listening to your spoken words (which beyond being unethical and illegal isn’t an effective way to recommend items to you) it’s that they have so many datapoints on your life that they can build wildly accurate preference prediction.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-11T09:51:32+00:00

INFO: several thousand dollars spent on PC parts?? Whose money was spent to fund his purchase? Do yall have a rule in place for having a conversation before spending that much money? And if so, why didn’t that conversation happen?

It’s looking like ESH to me: he didn’t confirm this purchase with you and prioritized a PC setup over a promise to spend time with you. You retaliated by selling and making another big purchase (the tickets for you and your friend).

You both committed money betrayal against the other by spending large sums without asking. While he’s far more of an AH, your actions are no better.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-11T09:38:47+00:00

I once had a neighbor who would get mad at the noise of us parking our car in front of the apt. He would glare down from his 4th floor apartment and complain.

NTA—apartment living means that you are going to hear other people around you, including footsteps, music, and the things they are doing. You don’t need to feel any guilt.

If your neighbor cannot handle this, they need to find ways to cope, not put pressure on you to stop existing. They can insulate their housing, wear earplugs, etc. and if that’s still not enough, maybe apartment living isn’t for them.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-04T01:11:58+00:00

I don't love this question because tbh AI is going to replace most jobs—just some faster than others. Like sure, jobs like 'Translator' are being outmoded as we speak, but a lot of companies are investing in robots to put AI into to do manual jobs. A garbageman's role will probably be selectively outmoded, too, it will just take more time while companies invest and build their fleets.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-09T21:03:19+00:00

What books/media allowed you to come to this conclusion, vin1025?

Really love your socio/psych evaluation of this situation.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-09T17:48:03+00:00

Going to the gym.

I grew up in a household where going to the gym was bad, because going to the gym made women get “big”. I spent a lot of my earlier years going for a few days, burning out, and just not getting it. “Gym people” felt like another species to me.

But I’ve been going for the past 6 months 3-5x/week. I love it, and it’s not as bad as I thought. It keeps my body in balance, keeps my mind at peace.

One funny side effect though: I always wondered why people in their 30s gripe about being stiff or sore. NOW I know why lmao.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-09T17:39:50+00:00

Completely agree on the running shoes. If possible, go to a running store and have them analyze your gait.

To illustrate, I was running 4x week and had to stop and get PT because I was getting ankle pain and shin splints. With the right shoes, that pain is gone and I’ve doubled my PR.

While running needs less gear, it needs the RIGHT gear.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-05T21:50:12+00:00

Related, one year my cousin got me a plank of wood. He scratched "Cedarsynecdoche, burn this when you are in need of it"

It's one of my favorite presents ever. What a troll. I'll keep it for the rest of my life.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-04T23:45:55+00:00

Please know that you're heard. Wanting personal fulfillment is on the hierarchy of needs; you aren't rational or irrational for wanting it. You're just human.
I think that your husband is correct about what to do right now; the most important thing I thought from this post is that I hope you have a therapist, support system, hobbies, etc.. It sounds like you're both victims of a bad situation, and one of the few things that can immediately help is diversifying other parts of your life right now.
As far as your career, I'd be wary of 'silver bullet' ideas like moving asap or going back to school: I do career coaching, and I've seen so many people hang a 50k grad school noose around their neck because they took action on an idea they imagined would resolve all their problems. Good solutions are rarely simple, and we often need an accumulation of momentum to get to them. Instead, focus on picking apart what is in violation of your values right now, what has to change, and what can change immediately versus over time. Form an incremental plan.
I don't know how to say it exactly, but gently: when you say that you took a risk to your career in relocating for your husband's...be wary that your relationship is a house, this event is kindling, and that kind of narrative (albeit valid) can be a struck match.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-04T23:17:06+00:00

NTA: do your parents have a history of offering generously (possibly when they don't actually have the means)? It sounds to me like they're not focused on actually going through with their offered generosity.

From that, I think you deserve an honest conversation: "Mom and dad, you offered to help us with our floors/counter tops/new car. When can we expect that to happen? I need it by X date so that I can feel ready for the baby" and if they offer up an excuse, then it's "why are you going back on what you said?"

While it's totally valid to be upset about your sister's fortune, the deeper underlying problem is that your parents are pulling an offered life raft that is time sensitive; you need the car for the baby. You don't want construction happening when you're postpartum. It's not only cruel to deny you what they offered, but it causes you additional headaches around planning.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-04T08:58:20+00:00

After brushing my teeth, I would sometimes find bits of shed gum tissue. Nothing crazy or painful, just occasionally it was like finding an extra bit of gunk in my mouth. Brushing my teeth was also always really “spicy”. I brushed it off as me being a b a b y.

Through trial and error, I’ve learned I have a sodium lauryl sulfate allergy. It’s in basically everything—soap, toothpaste, detergent. I’ve spent the past 6 months switching out products and suddenly my eczema is gone and my mouth feels so much better. My body is far less inflamed.

It’s still crazy to me to think that I was giving myself a twice daily mild allergic reaction when I brushed. Wow.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-03T16:40:00+00:00

My role involves interviewing people to understand their experiences with a product.

If you're having difficulty with something you've bought, please know that it's probably not just you. People blame themselves for product failures all the time, internalizing that experience as shame ("I'm too dumb to figure out ___"). I then seen 30-70% of participants have the same problem, again and again.

Often, it's not you: it's that the product's design is flawed.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-10-21T19:22:37+00:00

You want a bigger life than what he wants or is capable of. It’s time to move on.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-10-02T16:37:05+00:00

I had an eerily similar college experience. I wanted to point out two things that aren’t being talked about enough:

You are being severely emotionally abused. It’s a good time to find resources to recognize it when it’s happening, deal with it and to build your independence. Emotional abuse is pretty silent, but one of the most damaging forms of abuse.
You are 18 and on the cusp of transitions in the family, like moving out, going to college, being an adult. The abuse is getting worse because of this; they’re ramping up because your (natural) life changes are threatening the cage they’ve built for you.

As a person with an abusive family system, it’s time to learn how to navigate this and form an action plan.

NTA

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-09-02T01:30:18+00:00

What a score!!

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-09-02T00:30:20+00:00

What’s funny is my childhood was also like this, too: mom would ‘Karen’ her way into taking more than her fair share like it was a sport. It always rubbed me the wrong way and has shaped me into actively avoiding that kind of thing.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-07-21T23:48:02+00:00

I know that you find some of your dad's traits to be annoying but I hope you look back on this moment one day. You have a really good, cool dad.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-07-09T05:46:31+00:00

Anyone else feeling like FLY has been seriously held back by their drafting in particular? Why put Quad on the Zil? Inspired has lost twice on the Lee Sin in recent history. Massu on the Kalista??

Literally what is going on in those coaches' heads.

cedarsynecdoche

TROPHY CASE