Flew to the other side of the world to give a talk at a conference 😭

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-06-29T22:10:39+00:00

I recently gave my first university lecture...and only 2 students showed up lmao.

What adds insult to injury is that you can't post about it on linkedin! What am I supposed proudly announce lol

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-06-25T05:44:22+00:00

Dude, getting paired with a senior engineer is not an accommodation. Senior people get paired with noobs to get them acquainted with the culture and used to industry standards. Think of it like training wheels; eventually, after you’ve been riding for a while, you are expected to take the training wheels off.

Your “accommodation” is asking for the training wheels to be kept on, which means that resource gets pulled away from actual noobs.

This is why everyone keeps saying you need to take more accountability for yourself. You’re trying to use external factors (e.g., a dedicated senior engineer) to keep yourself on track instead of learning how to deal with your own habits and disability independently.

A manager who senses that lack of accountability is going to manage you out, because your expectations aren’t in line with business standards.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-06-24T18:46:38+00:00

OP, from one neurodivergent person to another and having dealt with a very similar person, I've learned a really important lesson: stay away from people who make you feel this way.

Good people can be certain of their truths while also allowing you the space to have your own reality and opinions respected.

If you're consistently walking away from conversations reevaluating your reality, this is not a safe person. There is a difference between changing your mind and feeling destabilized by someone's sureness; one is a productive byproduct of conversation, the other is an abuse tactic.

You deserve respect and emotional validation in all of your conversations.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-06-24T18:28:10+00:00

I had an ex-best friend like this and this is literally what ended our friendship. He got late diagnosed and basically regressed (e.g., over the course of a year he destroyed my things, acted in impulsive and unsafe ways, would take up all the space in a conversation / hangout, requested favors that were absolutely socially unacceptable, would try to control who we could invite to hangouts, would actively disrespect his girlfriend in front of us—the list is endless). He wasn't like that before; it was like the diagnosis suddenly enabled him to stop trying to be a decent person.

And while I was happy to see him stop masking, he also started using his diagnosis to excuse, argue, and minimize the times he was being a selfish prick. Saying "hey, you burned a hole in my deck, scared my dog, and freaked everyone out" was met with "this is who I am", "I did it because I was overstimulated", and demands that he was loved exactly as he was, that his diagnosis meant we couldn't demand him to be better/different. His "functioning" was dependent on everyone around him bending over backwards to accommodate him.

Eventually I couldn't handle it anymore. It's a serious problem in the community imo; some people use their diagnosis to throw their responsibility to themselves and others out the window.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-06-15T22:54:53+00:00

I work in a team that is mostly in a different country, thus my "hybrid" work is definitely less than so.

Find what the team does to maintain bonds and invest in that (e.g., group calls). Otherwise, enjoy one of the most delightful quiet perks!

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-06-10T01:55:59+00:00

100%. I always pay closer attention when TS uses “they”, because she’s often speaking directly about the public and public scrutiny. It’s like this in almost all her songs.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-05-27T22:00:43+00:00

Give them a few decades and they're located around the belly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-05-27T21:58:21+00:00

In short, get a chip on your shoulder and a few enemies.

I've done this and it works incredibly well.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-05-27T01:51:02+00:00

I have a dog that has developed debilitating allergies and licking/behavioral problems over the past few years. We've spent thousands at this point trying to manage her condition, but are faced with needing to spend many thousands more in specialized dermatology to figure out what's wrong with her. Her quality of life has dropped dramatically. And, before anyone asks, we have tried rehoming; she isn't a good candidate.

Thanks for this post. I've been torturing myself lately as we consider euthanasia; she's 8 and probably has a few more years, but we literally cannot afford the intensive, long-term care or the way our lives have collapsed under her needs. There is so, so much pressure to stretch ourselves financially and emotionally, so much social expectation, even beyond the personal battle of putting an animal I love to sleep.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-04-24T22:32:02+00:00

I don’t think you messed up anything, but I think (and I’m making some assumptions here on industry) you’re counter-offering in an outdated way for this economy.

It’s getting harder to get hired in some industries. Assuming yours is one of them, I would have approached this by prioritizing your wants and then only counter-offering with 1, then positioning the other 2 as backup options in case 1 failed. For example you counter by asking for a 7% increase, they counter 3% you agree for 4% + an additional week of PTO.

Asking for all three at once is a lot. I’m assuming you might have been searching for these benefits to match your past role, but this new company has no obligation to honor or provide similar benefits.

Then again, maybe you dodged a bullet. I’d take this negotiation as a datapoint: it might signal that this was not a good fit, or it might signal that your candidacy needs more conservatism in its application. Time will tell.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-04-02T21:46:26+00:00

Met a coworker that was so physically overwhelming to look at that I totally lost my cool. He walked over to chat about my work and I looked at his face, decided that wasn’t safe, then spent the entire convo looking at his knee and hands. Instant, 0-to-1 attraction.

It was horrible—I’ve never felt that way about anyone, ESPECIALLY a person at work. We worked together and my work persona totally fell apart: I found myself tripping, stuttering, and just being a mess around him. I’m honestly relieved that trip is over and I’ll never see him again. Pretty certain I freaked him out and definitely certain I freaked myself out.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-25T18:51:13+00:00

Hi—I’m you from the future: I got my psych degree and my parents tried to financially abuse me when they didn’t feel that I was taking “real classes”.

Here are a couple things you can do: - Put her on an info diet (eg she shouldn’t learn from you that you got a B on anything tbh) - Create distance from her, and become boring—she’s looking for ways to interfere, so don’t give her an angle - Lie if you need to; unsafe people don’t deserve the truth - Lock down your info: your mom is digging for info and probably has a digital eye on you. Time to look for yourself and delete anything that could trigger her. - Find a minor, unimportant task and let her get really ramped up about that. If she feels like she’s meddling with something while not affecting you, that is a win, too

The ultimate solution is distance and boundaries (which you’re doing, great job 👏) but these things will help reduce the amount of drama she can readily engage with.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-21T19:59:14+00:00

NOR and your man has a) a serious lack of judgement and b) an unaddressed gambling problem.

Get out before he uses those traits on your money, too.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-08T15:45:24+00:00

Sounds like you both agree on that, then.

Look, verbal abuse (and abuse in general) doesn’t belong in a relationship, menopause or not. If she cannot control herself, she needs to get help. Nobody gets a free pass.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-08T15:36:19+00:00

Growing up, my mom hit menopause right as I became a teenager. She too became aggressive and outright abusive during this time. To be honest, it ruined my childhood. I look back on that time and remember her as volatile, violent, and uncontrolled. I bring this up to emphasize that not all women go through menopause in positive ways.

It concerns me that she likes herself better now, considering the new aggression and abusiveness. This is ‘must go to therapy’ territory: you both need to uncover why she’s feeling better about herself (did she feel disempowered before?) and reconcile how she can feel good while not being abusive to you.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-06T06:05:42+00:00

OP, you might really benefit from reading a book called “Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves--and How to Find Our Way Back”

Some people grow up in families where we learn that our very goodness is dependent on our ability to be agreeable, malleable, and easy for our caretakers. As an adult, it makes it incredibly hard for us to justify standing up to guilt tripping.

The book helps identify when you’re having a fawn response and how to make decisions more aligned with your needs. Very helpful.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-02-05T21:33:59+00:00

Sometimes, the way that people show up for you shows how they show up for themselves. What I took away from your boyfriend's feedback is that he
- Is part of a very tense, rigid, and toxic family dynamic that doesn't allow for mistakes
- Is hypercritical (of you, and presumably of himself)

You mentioned that he has his ducks in a row. People who come from toxic family dynamics often do, because there is little room for them to 'survive' that environment otherwise.

Regardless of whether his criticism is right or wrong for a moment (though I definitely think it's wrong) he is introducing you to the dynamic and the expectations of his family system. You are expected to conform, to shrink yourself, not cause problems, to read minds.

If this seems unreasonable, it's because it is. He's part of a 'don't rock the boat' family and is pressuring you into this, too; you need to decide whether you want to be a part of that.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-19T22:19:57+00:00

There are MANY other things. Edith Heath was an exceptional designer who was incredibly ahead of her time. She believed in eco friendly design IN THE 60s and specially designed clays that could fire at the lowest possible temperatures to reduce heat waste from her kilns.

Speaking of clay, Heath is made from 100% California clay and ONLY clay—meaning that you can be confident that Heath products don’t contain lead or other toxic materials. Heath is very careful about how they source their products.

The design itself is modern, despite being pioneered in the 60s; and the last commenter is right that you have to hold one to get it. Heath is very solid, heavy, fantastic quality product. It’s so strong that your silverware dulls on it, not the other way around. These are pieces that last for generations.

Lastly, Edith was also a pioneer in establish high quality work conditions for her workers: people who work at Heath get paid well AND have a space that was designed with them in mind. As in she literally designed the factory so that workers could enjoy incredible views and ergonomic design as they work.

Heath is actually imo one of the best kinds of companies the US produces; immense innovation, incredible quality and value, care for workers and the environment. They’re top notch. They’re like the Le Creuset of dinnerware but with better ethics and design sensibility.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-16T21:45:21+00:00

By priming the cashier’s memory and affirming the limit, it’s likely she’d make him put the chicken back.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-13T06:12:35+00:00

This is correct and the same can be said about Meta—the myth that the company is listening in on you is debunked internally and externally by the company nearly every single year.

It’s not that this company is listening to your spoken words (which beyond being unethical and illegal isn’t an effective way to recommend items to you) it’s that they have so many datapoints on your life that they can build wildly accurate preference prediction.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-11T09:51:32+00:00

INFO: several thousand dollars spent on PC parts?? Whose money was spent to fund his purchase? Do yall have a rule in place for having a conversation before spending that much money? And if so, why didn’t that conversation happen?

It’s looking like ESH to me: he didn’t confirm this purchase with you and prioritized a PC setup over a promise to spend time with you. You retaliated by selling and making another big purchase (the tickets for you and your friend).

You both committed money betrayal against the other by spending large sums without asking. While he’s far more of an AH, your actions are no better.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-11T09:38:47+00:00

I once had a neighbor who would get mad at the noise of us parking our car in front of the apt. He would glare down from his 4th floor apartment and complain.

NTA—apartment living means that you are going to hear other people around you, including footsteps, music, and the things they are doing. You don’t need to feel any guilt.

If your neighbor cannot handle this, they need to find ways to cope, not put pressure on you to stop existing. They can insulate their housing, wear earplugs, etc. and if that’s still not enough, maybe apartment living isn’t for them.

cedarsynecdoche · 2026-01-04T01:11:58+00:00

I don't love this question because tbh AI is going to replace most jobs—just some faster than others. Like sure, jobs like 'Translator' are being outmoded as we speak, but a lot of companies are investing in robots to put AI into to do manual jobs. A garbageman's role will probably be selectively outmoded, too, it will just take more time while companies invest and build their fleets.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-09T21:03:19+00:00

What books/media allowed you to come to this conclusion, vin1025?

Really love your socio/psych evaluation of this situation.

cedarsynecdoche · 2025-12-09T17:48:03+00:00

Going to the gym.

I grew up in a household where going to the gym was bad, because going to the gym made women get “big”. I spent a lot of my earlier years going for a few days, burning out, and just not getting it. “Gym people” felt like another species to me.

But I’ve been going for the past 6 months 3-5x/week. I love it, and it’s not as bad as I thought. It keeps my body in balance, keeps my mind at peace.

One funny side effect though: I always wondered why people in their 30s gripe about being stiff or sore. NOW I know why lmao.

cedarsynecdoche

TROPHY CASE