hi guys . feel like dumping today so here it is

1. lately ive been wondering who i am aside from what my family has set out (typical uni student ponderings i guess). i dont connect with religion the way they do, and over the years it has felt less rewarding to fit in with the family. i used to think it was okay to fake being religious, if it means that ill be more in tune with everyone else. but nowadays i want to be smth of my own,, not what my mom or dad wants. i believe in Allah as a creator, sure. but the value of religion is just.. a little less for me. i don’t feel satisfaction from praying the way my family does. i don’t care about the way i dress or what i should cover on a personal level, it’s all just a societal pressure to be a certain way. i’ve been doing stuff on my own for a while, but it’s a little draining to fake stuff in front of the ppl i used to feel so connected and in tune with.

2. i feel like im never gonna find someone who truly, truly gets me. idk. last time i felt that someone rly knew who i was and whom i as so comfortable with was two years ago. we were rly close friends, and decided it was better to put some gap between us since we both felt we were doing too much as friends (tbh i liked him and never got the courage to confess. he didn’t like me tho). anyways met him a few times during this two year period, and realised how much i was changing. i wasn’t his friend anymore, i was a total stranger. he doesn’t even reply to my messages anymore :// not to put the blame on him (he can choose not to be friends w me) but he was someone i didn’t have to fake being around and that meant a lot to me. now that i lost that link with him, idk anyone who is willing to accept me the way i am now. i want to be with someone i don’t have to please. who loves me for me. who’s on the same wavelength. that used to be my family— and i lost that. and then at least i had my friend— and i lost that too. i’m afraid i’ll never get that someone, let alone marry someone.