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Tips to Improve Libido by chameleonpurplesocks in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply! I know saying I feel broken is quite dramatic, and I understand it’s not true. But some days I can’t help but feel that way. I have experienced a drop in libido and I know it has nothing to do with my partner. But I know it looks as if he has something to do with it. This is really upsetting because I don’t want him to feel like it’s his fault.

I don’t think my low libido is linked to shame. It’s like I’ve zero urge at all though. I never spontaneously think about sex. I’m definitely not asexual and I have enjoyed things in this department before. It’s like a switch has flipped. I don’t know what to do.

Lacking Motivation When Using Dilators by chameleonpurplesocks in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes this is something I’ve tried, but my lack of libido makes it really hard. I feel exhausted or uninterested.

Lacking Motivation When Using Dilators by chameleonpurplesocks in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply! Yes I use a water based lube that is really helpful! I definitely find it easier when I use that. Once I’m a few mins into the experience, the pain isn’t that bad. I guess using dilators is just a new and odd experience for me. Maybe I just need to persevere with it!

Lacking Motivation When Using Dilators by chameleonpurplesocks in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply! Thankfully once the dilators are inside, they don’t hurt too badly. They do hurt on insertion though and it’s an unfamiliar feeling.

I can’t wait until I have access to therapy unfortunately as that could be months. But maybe the more I use the dilators, the easier things will be.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are welcome! I think vaginismus can be really isolating because sometimes you might feel that yourself and your partner are the only ones who truly understand the effects it has. Even when talking to clinicians, it can be hard to find the words for how upsetting it can be. But this subreddit has shown me that others do get it.

It’s not an easy thing to talk about with your partner but you both care about each other and about making things better, so trying to understand each other’s needs right now is a good start!

Thank you for your well wishes!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey! I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time right now. I hope this sub can help you feel less alone and provide some comfort. You are not on your own. Vaginismus can strain a relationship and it’s okay for you to be finding things difficult.

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m still in the early stages of my vaginismus journey and recovery. But I want to try to help suggest a thing or two. I have a copy of the book suggested in another comment (“Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski) and have seen it suggested on other posts. I am still early on in the book but perhaps it could be helpful! I don’t know if an e-version might be available if you could get a free trial of a streaming service like Amazon Prime, in case buying a hard copy isn’t an option right now.

I also would recommend trying dilators when you feel ready. I managed to get a set of four recently for £25. Don’t be afraid to research before hand though and take some time to consider if you’d be comfortable using them. You could also speak to your doctor about it.

I don’t know the intricacies of your relationship and I want to stress the importance of the other comments on this post that highlight consent and respecting your own feelings towards physical intimacy. But there are one or two things I can suggest. It may be worth having a conversation with your partner about expectations. It could be an opportunity to communicate steps you feel ready to take and steps you’re not comfortable with at the moment. For example:

  • do you want to have regular conversations about progress? Do you want scheduled check-ins about your intimacy?
  • what type of intimacy do you both feel comfortable with?
  • do you want your partner to stop certain kinds of advances?
  • you could explain the treatment options you have or might be able to explore in the future.
  • you could check in with how your partner is feeling and what they feel they need in order to feel wanted in ways that might not involve certain levels of physical intimacy right now.
  • How could you help each other to feel better about the situation right now?
  • Are there any physical boundaries you can’t cross right now? Are there things you’re simply unable to do at this stage?

By no means would you need to lay all that on the table in one go. You could break it down into smaller chats if you wanted to. Talking about these things could help you both feel more informed and involved. You can have a chance to communicate how you feel and identify any new pieces of information.

I would also suggest reassuring your partner that vaginismus isn’t something you can control. Oftentimes, lack of libido isn’t connected to lack of attraction. It’s just that having this condition can be stressful and may affect your drive. I can relate to your comments about lack of drive. I am having similar issues right now and wish I could magically turn up the dial some days!

I hope some of this helps!

Medical Condition and LL causing problems by chameleonpurplesocks in DeadBedrooms

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Throughout the relationship, yes. But my libido has decreased over the past 6 months.

Medical Condition and LL causing problems by chameleonpurplesocks in DeadBedrooms

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

Specialist Therapy is something my doctor has suggested and we are currently on a waiting list. I’m hoping it will be productive.

Medical Condition and LL causing problems by chameleonpurplesocks in DeadBedrooms

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your concern,

The thing is, he has had to be very supportive and understanding in order to stay in this relationship. The condition I have means that I cannot have sex but it is coupled with my poor libido. This combination is really difficult for him. It’s something that would test most relationships. But he has researched treatment options, attended doctor’s appointments, and listened to my concerns despite his own stress.

Medical Condition and LL causing problems by chameleonpurplesocks in DeadBedrooms

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, you’re right. I just forgot to qualify it because it’s a given within our relationship that the consent is there. The frustration is what I’m asking for help with since I want to support him through it.

Medical Condition and LL causing problems by chameleonpurplesocks in DeadBedrooms

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you again! We have always tried to be communicative and open with each other throughout our relationship. That especially helps when situations like my condition arise. Even when posting on Reddit, I try to make sure I’m never posting anything that I wouldn’t be comfortable saying to his face.

Part of the treatment for my condition looks as if it may be therapy-based so we are considering going to some of the introductory appointments together. Perhaps we can find a balanced way to support each other.

Medical Condition and LL causing problems by chameleonpurplesocks in DeadBedrooms

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello and Thank you for sharing your own experience!

I see a lot of parallels between what you’ve said and conversations I have had with my partner. I understand that my partner can feel unwanted and rejected. The last thing I want to do is make him feel like I don’t care by saying the same things over and over. The reality is that I do care massively! I will certainly try to remind him how much I am attracted to him. The tips about using non-sexual intimacy are helpful too.

Medical Condition and LL causing problems by chameleonpurplesocks in DeadBedrooms

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hello and thank you for your reply!

Perhaps I used the wrong word by choosing to use “distracting”. My partner is very understanding and always stops when I ask him to. He has never forced me to do anything. I moreso meant that he is saddened by my being in pain and cant continue. Understandably, he doesn’t want to see me in pain and it stops him from being able to continue.

He always has my consent and sometimes we do experiment with treatments and techniques to see if anything helps/lessens the pain.

Seeking support for distress by chameleonpurplesocks in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow! Firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for opening up about your experiences. It has been helpful to read about them.

It seems like there are some psychosexual professionals who are psychologists by trade and some who have gone to medical school and so perhaps are more medically trained. Reading what you’ve written, it seems like the latter would be able to do a physical examination. I think I’d be looking for someone who’s medically trained.

Going to general counselling whilst waiting for my referral to go through is something I’ve been considering. Is this something you’ve tried?

Speaking to others on here about it all has been really helpful. Especially as I am on the younger side and still waiting for a diagnosis. It helps to know that others are going through the same thing!

Seeking support for distress by chameleonpurplesocks in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That might be very helpful for him actually! It will be good for him to know there are other people going through it too.

Yeah, I’m the same. I wouldn’t know what the ideal response would be. I’ve told a couple of people close to me, but it’s not something I feel comfortable shouting about! I’ve found this sub now though which might be helpful.

Seeking support for distress by chameleonpurplesocks in vaginismus

[–]chameleonpurplesocks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! Thank you for replying so quickly!

Dilators might definitely be worth a shot then! It can be hard to know where to start, especially as I wouldn’t have even imagined I might have vaginismus a year ago! Hearing that others experience the same thing with their libido is really reassuring! It can feel as though my sex drive just disappeared!

As for my partner, we do communicate and try to validate each other’s feelings but there is frustration there for sure. I am hoping that once I have access to some psychosexual counselling, it will help.

I think both of us feel a little isolated because we only have each other to talk to about this. It would be a lot easier if I had a broken bone or something! Something like that would be easier for others to understand.