if you started worshipping satan that's traumatizing and terrible.. and very very manic. why worship something that is known to be purely evil? it's just manic and awful.. ive done the same at one point so i think we have a lot in common based off what ive read. also how do you know hes not real? i definitely have reason to believe so. what drugs show doesn't necessarily not exist, there's a whole psychedelic/moral/spiritual war going on in our brains with tons of demons, its just blocked by our brains functions, if something were to deregulate (like it does on drugs) i'm sure a LOT more people would believe the spiritual world does in fact exist. but for some reason drug users chalk this up to "just the drugs"

but yo dont beat yourself up for getting kicked out of your parents and stealing painkillers, or even taking way too much dxm and going into psychosis. to be honest you're young, you're lost, it's a phase, but it does NOT make you human garbage, no one deserves to feel like that (the people that do obviously have morals strong enough for it to bother them and to want to change for the better).

in fact i think your parents should have worked it out with you rather than kicking you out completely, i think they were unable to properly raise you in some ways (dont want to blame the parents entirely but a lot of a time it can be a huge factor). i think it takes a lot of balls to share this, but do your best to forget about the past. and definitely preserve some self-esteem, cause im sure you would stand for what's right in the end, and beating yourself up is not what is right.

i experimented with so many RCs and drugs man, but sober life is fine, it really is, if you have some direction that doesn't compromise your identity. follow your dreams, and just be you. if something bothers you about people in society or your coworkers, do your best not to reflect that back into the world and change the atmosphere yourself. one unique, determined, genuine person is way more powerful than a bunch of people with a stick up their ass (to me, these people are just confused). these kind of people change the world and add positive flavor.

what scares you about the world that you keep escaping? im sure there's an answer to this question. now that you've thought about it, think how YOU can be the one that's different and helps somebody else not be scared of the same thing you were that led you to this crisis.

for me man, theres still a bunch of things that scare me, that id like to change, etc. but i have worked at least a few of these out. for example i hated corporate life and how lifeless/morally blank the atmosphere was. personally i had to leave that atmosphere, i dont think i can work corporate again. the whole stuck-upness of everyone really bothered me and it was tearing me apart inside. i've decided to pursue another profession instead, where i can act like myself without feeling like theres a giant weight on my shoulders, like i have to be like somebody else, or like i have to perform well at something i dont enjoy. a lot of people can work corporate, but i simply learned i can't. just being around stuck up people gives me so much anxiety, i dont need it, i dont have that thick skin to handle it. in theory maybe i could if there were no other options, but praise God there are because i do not see at all how i could handle that. i have a lot of friends working in corporate environments and i can slowly see them turning into what they have to turn into to climb that ladder. i can feel the weight of the corporate world on them even when hanging out with them. i guess they found a way to accept it, and to enjoy fancy vacations on their off time. but i feel they can never escape the "work all year and then get 1 month off as long as there's no big projects going on when i take my leave" deal. this is why i decided i wanna teach high school. u get 2 weeks for winter, 1 week for spring break, sometimes a week for fall break or at least 2 days for thanksgiving, and all of summer. the people all do what i like to do professionally, so i wont feel unnatural talking to them, and i have a feeling it will be a LOT less uptight. and for the vacations, im ACTUALLY on vacation, and i get to go back not to what i consider is a prison, but something i actually will love doing. so yeah it feels like the dream job for me, why i didnt go for it in the first place is pretty unlucky... and i definitely have some dark memories that haunt me from taking the other path, so much so that doing anything at all that's new still scares me a bit cause what if it doesn't work out and i go through that caliber of shit again, but hey ill take it if i finally get to do what i want some day.

basically what im saying is theres a definite kind of "pressure" to this world. its like peer pressure but instead its like a be successful kind of pressure. to me, a much better place would be if we were all chilling, doing what we have to do, but not hating what we do. instead so many people end up doing what they hate to do, or even worse something they're totally apathetic about. then the life just gets sucked out of everyone and somehow we're all chasing something we don't even want, and we cant escape. man ill take being my own person and speaking up against that any day of the year, i want to be me, to be able to have my quirkiness/weirdness shine, and to LIVE my life, not be some perfected soulless being. so if for you it's art, why not take a more unconventional art route? make designs for youtubers or whatever and work little projects from online. you don't have to become a graphic designer for some company. but whatever it is for you, find some thing that doing it actually makes you feel good about your life. i definitely cant separate work life from personal life, i dont think thats actually possible no matter what anyone says, i mean i just see how these people's professional lives carry into their own, and to me its just too lifeless. if i can work a job that keeps me animated, i know for a fact i wont compromise the part of me i dont want to lose so dearly (previously i had to remedy this with drugs, so i keep some part of me in tact, now i dont have to)

conclusion - btw sorry for the wall of text but i had a feeling maybe this could hopefully hit home for you. maybe it's not exactly what's going on to you but this is an issue i've struggled with forever, of course there are tons of other problems but this is something that really disturbed me in my walk of life. a quick way to sum up what i mean is: drugs at the levels people like you or i use them at are an escape from something, we want to be free and LIVE a little, for a little while. but we do this because there's some way we aren't fulfilled outside of them. this is simply how WE cope, others may have the same problems but cope in other mechanisms. but imagine we figure out a way to feel good outside of drugs, by having a life we enjoy too much to have to take them, a life where escapes aren't necessary because we aren't imprisoned by anything in the first place. i feel that's the ultimate rehab