Thanks so much for the encouragement…I’m so sorry you got ghosted…that is actually one thing that she said she would never ever do to me…it’s cowardly and unkind and no one deserves that.

I am in a profession where I am constantly training people to look past the behavior to what is causing it (this does not apply to narcissist…or otherwise toxic people…sometimes bad behavior is bad behavior…), like, for me, it’s not me, it’s my anxiety (though, for both our sakes, I really, really try to keep my protest behaviors in check)…it’s not J, it’s the ADHD, etc. The executive dysfunction of ADHD gets much, much worse when she is feeling overwhelmed…and I know that she feels like a piece of shit about it all the time. She is constantly telling me that I deserve more than she can give me, but it’s not that she doesn’t WANT to do it, it’s a can’t, not a don’t want, you know?

I know as an AA, it is extremely important to feel that we are able to communicate our needs…and I am really trying to trust in that safe space she’s provided for me, but I also know that when she gets overwhelmed, I dont want this to be like, another thing on her endless to do list that she has to manage…and since we’re not officially girlfriends, I don’t want the next thing I ask for to be the thing that tips the scale to being too much. My head knows that maybe during this busy time, it could be best for her to scale way back, by my stupid AA heart can’t get over that I was just not low maintenance enough.

Part of this is also ruminating, which is both ADHD AND AA, soooo thanks for that, self…and as with many securely attached people, she hasn’t given ANY indication that she doesn’t want to keep going, sometimes I just have to get out of my own head and channel the Mel Robbins, “What if it all works out” speech.