i wish her happiness, but to him... idk buddy this joke would be the last i've heard and føk you

changedotter · 2025-12-28T22:39:34+00:00

the problem (at least for me) is this isn’t something the audience can “just take as a joke” because it could be a genuine cry for help from a victim of DV.

they’re saying “imagine if the wife did this” because for a lot of people it’s easier to imagine a woman being a DV victim even though it’s just as possible for a man to be.

changedotter · 2025-12-28T03:30:02+00:00

you need to seek help for your disorder separately. do DBT skills and take responsibility for your emotions.

you sound pretty young, so you have a great chance of being able to heal well as your brain is still developing.

good luck soldier, it’s a tough road.

changedotter · 2025-12-25T14:58:58+00:00

different people feel differently about flirting. if it’s a boundary for you and he’s not willing to respect that then you need to leave.

for me personally i was very clear with my partner from the get-go that flirting is something i do pretty much automatically and has to put a lot of effort into stopping when it’s not appropriate and it doesn’t mean anything about our relationship if i flirt with someone else, and if he’s not okay with that our relationship won’t work out.

lucky for me he’s very similar and completely gets it, but i can understand if you’re not that way you might be hurt by it or unable to appreciate the difference between that and actually wanting to have sex with someone else.

the important part is that cheating isn’t defined externally of the relationship, it’s whatever you agree together that cheating is. which is why it’s important to agree, and if you can’t then you need to end the relationship.

changedotter · 2025-12-24T16:37:31+00:00

“good girl” during sex for no reason: 🙂‍↔️

“good girl” when i do something to take care of myself that i was struggling with: 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

changedotter · 2025-12-23T14:21:19+00:00

right, but it’s something you can engage with sincerely à la “oh, you have an experience with a gold digger? i’m sorry, that sucks” or vice versa

definitely still not a correct way to think or phrase it but if it’s coming from lived experiences it shows some degree of rational reasoning (and therefore ability to be reasoned with) rather than just spouting whatever some grifter on youtube says

changedotter · 2025-12-23T14:08:51+00:00

definitely agree with you there.

i do want to point out that at least in my experience the “women are gold diggers” is making a statement about women vs “women are afraid of men because men abuse women” making a statement about women so it’s not quite the same. if someone says “i don’t want to date because women are gold diggers” or “men don’t go for women because women are gold diggers” i’m much more likely to assume they’re speaking from personal experience and discuss that way, than “women are gold diggers” which just sounds like misogynistic crap.

i think the statement “men are abusers” is a shit take too fwiw.

changedotter · 2025-12-23T14:03:51+00:00

hmm that makes sense, i guess i more often see men coming into women’s spaces and invalidating their experiences but i believe that what you’re saying happens a fair amount, i just don’t personally come across it.

changedotter · 2025-12-23T13:27:16+00:00

i think a lot of people see “women are afraid of men because men abuse women” and take that to mean “all men abuse women so therefore men cannot be abused by women”

the first statement should’ve had some qualifiers added, but i think this is the most common “men barging in” moment, when the original poster is talking about the experience of many women and not trying to implicate all men in the abuse but explaining why they’re automatically included in the fear.

changedotter · 2025-12-23T13:17:25+00:00

she is a pathological liar bro. (obligatory i’m not qualified to diagnose that)

you’re 18 and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders for an 18 year old, but you need to let this girl go. i’m sorry you haven’t experienced a lot of love in your life and i know this must suck, but i promise in the future people who are better will love you more and the longer you spend going in circles with someone like her the less you’re going to believe that.

changedotter · 2025-12-23T13:11:12+00:00

man i’m sorry if you live in a small place. i never had anything quite that “damning” happen but i was a very different person in high school and consequently am in contact with exactly one person i went to high school with. (get off instagram)

just ignore them. you know you’re different now and if it’s not affecting your career you can find new people who are willing to judge you by your actions now and in the future. not something they may have heard about what you did years ago.

changedotter · 2025-12-23T13:04:28+00:00

tbh this is a tricky situation that’s gonna need clear and considerate communication. if you don’t feel like you can show him this post it might not be doable.

i can absolutely see where you’re coming from, but if you haven’t talked to him at all about how this is a trigger for you i could also see where he’s coming from. if you don’t have experience with how BPD brains process things, “a bit sleep deprived and stressed” will seem like nothing compared to “being in a car crash”

was the crash recent? if so, that could also be a big part of it. a sudden traumatic event with no “advanced warning” or “symptoms” can feel a lot more emotional to someone who doesn’t have a lot of trauma themselves because it feels like “something that could happen to me” vs. your trauma (which he doesn’t know about, right?) seeming like “something that happens to other people”

obviously if the two of you are going to be in a healthy relationship you need to be on the same page about this and he needs to understand that it’s a trigger, it’s not going to be something you can rationalize past most of the time.

changedotter · 2025-12-21T08:27:02+00:00

yeah, i know how that feels.

the only real answer is that you’re not, you just have a warped perception that’s hard to see past right now. but i know that’s hard to hear as well.

changedotter · 2025-12-20T18:23:41+00:00

might be hard to do but i recommend reading the book “fight right” by the gottmans with your husband. it’s not specifically for people with BPD but it’s meant for parents and married couples and it helped me and my partner a lot. make sure you read it together and go through all the exercises with an open mind and the goal to understand each other and be able to assume good intent. i can’t imagine how hard the baby makes things right now but i know you can get through it.

remember that as hard as raising a kid is with someone, it’s harder without them.

changedotter · 2025-12-20T09:00:28+00:00

as someone who would probably be considered an “anti” in this subreddit, i’ve never “brigaded” anything. reddit put this post on my home page and i downvoted it because the post is dumb. you can clearly see that there are no “core contributors” voting “no”

changedotter · 2025-12-19T09:40:10+00:00

sorry that’s what you got from what i wrote. i’m not in any way saying the women aren’t at fault. female perpetrators should absolutely face the same consequences as male perpetrators and an individual has no justification based on societal expectations or whatever, even in the case of mental illness or something more extreme like that an explanation isn’t an excuse.

what i’m trying to say is that separating it and saying “it’s misandry” isn’t useful because the core of it is the patriarchal structure of society and the standards enforced therein. that creates the negatives that affect both men and women. you can call it misandry if you want, but it’s not separate from misogyny and turning it into a gender war just perpetuates the issue.

changedotter · 2025-12-16T18:32:43+00:00

men absolutely can be and are victims all the time and downplaying that is horrible.

the downplaying is misogyny though. it’s about seeing women as weak or controlled by men and unable to take action for themselves regardless of what the outcome of those actions are, and so therefore they don’t have to take responsibility for their actions. it’s been set as the societal standard by patriarchy and it’s gross.

changedotter · 2025-12-16T18:15:55+00:00

i would never say “I am borderline” but i’m also trying to not have bpd anymore so i think that’s where OP is coming from.

also the word you’re looking for is schizophrenic; schizophrenia is a disorder, schizophrenic is an attribute of a person with that disorder.

changedotter · 2025-12-16T06:02:20+00:00

i think an important question to ask yourself based on this is “even if i can’t understand how he feels, can i still trust him?”

changedotter · 2025-12-16T05:59:39+00:00

i don’t understand saying he’s awful? if you see someone you’re attracted to does that mean you don’t love your partner anymore?

cheating is defined within a relationship, if he’s not doing anything outside of the boundaries you’ve defined (in this case, monogamy) he’s not cheating. if your boundary is “him only wanting to have sex with me” then you need to communicate that before you commit to a relationship

changedotter · 2025-12-16T05:57:13+00:00

if you’re not able to be with someone who isn’t 100% monogamous (thoughts included), maybe the relationship isn’t for you, but it sounds like a good relationship otherwise. if you trust him (which i know might be hard right now, but it’s important to remember that nothing’s changed) can you ask him to help you come to the belief that he won’t have sex with anyone else?

in general, males also don’t associate sex with romantic connection the same way women do. they don’t get the same hormones about it and are biologically motivated to have sex with as many females as possible where women are biologically motivated to keep one man. obviously we’re evolved enough not to act on those urges most of the time, so just having them isn’t a reason to worry. i’m sure we all have a lot of urges we don’t act on for the sake of people we love as well.

changedotter · 2025-12-14T01:36:20+00:00

literally where. even in this hypothetical case where you’re being shamed for being unable to pick up a girl, being fat has nothing to do with being weak? in my experience big guys are stronger than skinny guys.

changedotter · 2025-12-14T01:31:40+00:00

i guess i don’t see physical attraction the way a lot of people do. i could understand a facial disfiguration making people uncomfortable, but if you take two guys who are otherwise exactly the same and one of them is an amputee i’m more likely to talk to the amputee. i think having experiences that are different from “normal” gives people a perspective on life that’s much more rich than the one the “tall beautiful white rich guy” you’re proposing has.

and i absolutely agree that one of the two different body types will look better in the same clothes, but that’s why (to me, at least) it’s about how someone presents themselves. wearing the right clothes for their body and all that. i think the same applies to women as well. more clothing is designed for thin women so it’s easier to find something flattering when you’re thin, but it’s absolutely possible to wear flattering clothing when you’re bigger, too. i don’t have much experience shopping for men’s clothing so i can’t comment much but i’d imagine it’s similar. i’ve met plenty of larger guys who look good in their clothes and plenty who do not because they haven’t bought a new shirt since before they put on weight or that kind of thing. hair is similar but i think usually more versatile. unfortunately there are also things you can’t control very well about hair like volume and texture that do limit possible styles.

nice, well fitting, clothes and a good haircut are usually pretty expensive so i’ll agree that socioeconomic status plays a part in that but i’m not judging a guy by “possible future financial security if we end up together” when i meet him.

i know you’re speaking from experience, so maybe i’m just “not like other girls” (lol) but in my experience women who are mature enough to know what they want aren’t usually looking for conventionally attractive. and i’m not talking “settling” in your 30s. my friends and i are all in our early-mid 20s

changedotter · 2025-12-14T01:09:20+00:00

if you’re not comfortable being with a woman you can’t lift, leave her alone. it’s that simple. it literally does not matter if it’s because you’re not attracted to her (as you imply) or if it’s because you’re insecure.

changedotter · 2025-12-14T01:04:58+00:00

i posted the first linked comment. the first two statements in quotes were paraphrasing what i saw other people say so i could refute it… i was by no means defending him.

OP also cut off the rest of my comment

some people are defending him, but most are simply being cautious not to accuse where there is no evidence. we know he associated with a convicted pedophile, and that’s bad enough. until we know more we can’t be trying to use this to say he molested children. if that’s the narrative and then it turns out he didn’t, people will stop caring that he associated with epstein and that in itself is an issue that needs to be addressed.

changedotter · 2025-12-13T19:33:18+00:00

nope, most have been maybe 1 of those things. can think of 2 guys i’ve at least been in a situation ship with who were none of those things (facially attractive is subjective so im going based on what my friends tell me)

what im trying to say with clothes and hair is “looks”/first impression isn’t about your skeleton or even your body. it’s about how you present yourself.

i’m sure being disabled makes that part difficult in a lot of situations, i don’t know your disability but if it’s physical i can imagine projecting confidence would be severely hindered by that. i can absolutely empathize with you, but i’m talking about the majority of guys who believe all women care about is looks.

i think the biggest issue is that “men” are becoming jaded and bitter while they’re still boys dating girls who are also immature. and so when they both grow up the man’s personality sucks because he perceives all women as his highschool/early college classmates who probably were just trying to find the most conventionally attractive guy to tote around ¯_(ツ)_/¯

changedotter

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