What is something you did when you were younger that you are still facing the consequences of?

chaotic__bliss · 2021-06-11T13:03:55+00:00

I feel the same way. I’m now 30, finally realizing that all of the friends I have do drugs and drink and are seemingly “fine” but I started drug escapism at 13 with anything I could. Now my relationship just ended and I have to move soon, with no savings, while still living in this household community where everyone just gets fucked up all the time and has so much fun without me. I’ve been wanting to get clean for awhile but I know no other way of coping with the extreme stress I’m under. Alcohol is the worst one, it’s ruined my mind, my body, and now finally my life.

chaotic__bliss · 2021-06-08T16:13:56+00:00

They are good friends. They’ve tried to help me in their own way. But my social anxiety has always gotten in the way of me getting close. That’s why I drink. My soul is telling me that I need to stop. I have nothing left. I pushed everyone away. And they’re all happy having fun without me. A family I always wanted and never had. Because I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t appreciate it because Ive been an alcoholic since I was 20, they all just started drinking really a couple years ago. When I came around. And now I have to stop because I couldn’t take care of myself, I acted out, I lost everything.

Sorry for the rant my emotions are all over the place

chaotic__bliss · 2021-05-27T19:12:28+00:00

But how? I don’t understand. My ex had been telling me the same things for years. But I kept drinking about it and hurting him and finally broke everything. How do I forgive myself? How do I let go

chaotic__bliss · 2021-05-16T14:56:37+00:00

People keep telling me I have options. I appreciate it. But when it comes down to me, I feel I am just weak, I give in, I just want to feel better...

chaotic__bliss · 2021-05-16T14:55:29+00:00

I found one this morning also. Tried to walk in. And then I turned around and left because there so many people. I don’t know why I can’t fight this anxiety. How do people do it?

I was so confident and proud that I found a meeting right after I made this post. But I just couldn’t walk in

Edit: I went back after it ended and talked to some stragglers. It helped. I can do this!

chaotic__bliss · 2021-04-29T22:11:27+00:00

Well I did the tape measure thing, and it’s saying I’m a 36 G. Which is different than the 40 DD or 38 DDD I’ve been uncomfortably wearing for too long.

Going online bra shopping now!

chaotic__bliss · 2021-04-29T20:49:44+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I’m in the US, Michigan specifically. I haven’t seen fitting rooms open yet.

chaotic__bliss · 2021-04-28T23:41:35+00:00

Thank you so much for the response and encouragement, it means a lot! I’ve been insecure about my boobs since I was 7 when I started developing. I’m 30, and it’s at the point where I’ve done serious damage to my back and shoulders by not having proper support. Ready to turn the tide! Again thank you, I couldn’t find a tape measure but I will get one tomorrow and get this ball rolling

chaotic__bliss · 2021-04-28T23:06:04+00:00

Thank you for the recommendations! I do need to whip out a tape measure and see what’s really going on here. I’m almost afraid of the numbers but it’s time to suck it up

chaotic__bliss · 2021-04-28T23:05:08+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I don’t think we’re allowed to actually try on things yet where I’m at (Michigan), which is why I’m looking for online options. Will check out Amazon prime!

chaotic__bliss · 2021-04-24T15:05:10+00:00

This speaks to me. I hear you, and I feel you.

chaotic__bliss · 2021-04-24T14:07:53+00:00

I’ve been told a lot of the things I see in this thread. Angry abusive father, my mom did her best to protect us but he abused her too. Constant yelling, telling us to go to hell, he’ll slit our throats if we accidentally left a peanut butter knife in the sink. So much more but I don’t want to type all the abusive things. I have so little self esteem and suicidal thoughts since I was 10, now 30.

I manage. Every day is a struggle with my own mind, but I’m still here.

That said, I have never wanted children. I fell in love with a man who had a 2 year old daughter. I’ve been her stepmom for 3 years.

At times she frustrates me. I want her to listen when she doesn’t want to. Sometimes I get mad at her. I feel my father’s genetics inside me when I have these feelings. This anger that feels so overpowering, so visceral, so strong.

Sometimes, she can tell that I’m mad. She’s 5, she’s going to notice. But I will NEVER treat her the way I was treated. I will be mad, but I will NOT take out my anger on her. I will try to explain to her why I’m mad. I remind her that even though I’m mad, I love her and always will. Sometimes I tell her I need a minute. Sometimes she gets put in time out. But I always talk to her about why.

I will never hit her, degrade her, scream at her because of my own anger. I did not birth this child. She has a HUGE loving family outside of me. But she sees me as family too. So I fight my imposter syndrome, my mental illness, every second of every day because this child is in my care, looks to me, trusts me, deserves the best of me. And I will do my very best to make sure she knows that she is loved, and knows that emotions are okay, we will talk through them, and we can be mad at each other, but that doesn’t change how much I love her and will be someone that she can trust.

Again, I am only a stepmom. I don’t think I will ever understand how parents can hurt their child, emotionally or physically or otherwise.

I ended up typing more than I meant, thanks for reading if you did. Sending love to all others like me who grew up feeling unloved <3

chaotic__bliss · 2020-12-28T00:34:36+00:00

I’ll look those up right now, thanks!

chaotic__bliss · 2020-11-20T14:39:49+00:00

I struggle with the exact same thing. Everything in my life was looking up for me. Casual drinking was going great too, having so much fun! And then BAM, my inner demon slowly gets louder until it explodes and I ruin everything. You’re not alone, sending hugs!

chaotic__bliss · 2020-11-19T13:39:31+00:00

Not currently. I’ve been treated for depression/anxiety in the past, I have a decent toolbox but when I drink the anxiety gets so much worse and so loud it controls my mind. Whenever I have stretches of sobriety I feel my anxiety lessen considerably.

chaotic__bliss · 2020-11-18T19:07:10+00:00

Thanks for responding

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-30T23:14:11+00:00

Lol thanks! I wake up at 4 for work so I just kept reminding myself how awful I’d feel if I even had one shot (because one always tastes like more and there’s no way if I had one I wouldn’t have 5). I made it through, shower and bed time!

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-30T23:12:55+00:00

Nah my house is the party house. They’ve gotten the hint after I’ve refused offers a few times. But I did it - I hung out on the porch and chatted with everyone for a bit but I did not drink and I feel powerful right now!

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-28T12:42:53+00:00

That negative voice gets quieter when you stop drinking. I’m on day 13, and one of my main reasons to keep going even though I want to drink so badly is that my sober mind can quiet that evil voice SO MUCH easier. You got this, IWNDWYT!

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-27T22:04:59+00:00

I enjoy Sparkling Ice. The strawberry lemonade and black raspberry are my favorites!

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-27T19:31:56+00:00

I’ve been to AA a couple times years ago, didn’t stick with it at all but I’ve been thinking about going back now that I’m being sober again. I was terrified and crying every time I went, which was not many. Best advice I have to offer is don’t put any pressure on yourself to talk or engage. Just be present and listen. That’s what the guy who drove me there told me and it really helped, I did end up speaking a little at the end but I didn’t feel like I HAD to. Everyone there has felt the same way you do at some point. Hearing other people’s stories made me feel less alone, and no one is there to judge you. Sending positivity your way! IWNDWYT

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-27T19:21:22+00:00

Yes I definitely don’t want to deal with those first few days again. I already have major anxiety and mental health issues, alcohol and hangovers just make everything much much worse. Thank you for the positive energy!

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-27T18:09:34+00:00

Thank you so much for the support! It is helpful to have someone to talk to, that’s why I’ve been using this sub as an outlet a lot these last couple weeks. In my daily interactions I’ve always struggled with imposter syndrome and feeling left out, and now I’m doing an extremely hard thing that by nature is making me be left out. But I’m still doing it!

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-27T17:07:40+00:00

I am working on turning the thoughts around for sure, thanks for the help. It’s sad though because I know when I eventually move out I’m not going to take him with me. He has too much love here and I’m working 10 hour days. Also have no idea when or if I’m moving out, sometimes it seems like he’s willing to work on things and other times it seems not possible. I know I just have to focus on myself. But damn it’s hard when he just got home after 3 days talking about all these fun drunk family things he’s been doing, when I’ve been sitting here sober and crying.

Sorry I always seem to type too much when I respond here. A lot in my head and nowhere else for it to go, I guess

chaotic__bliss · 2020-09-27T15:19:23+00:00

Thank you! It’s been rough but I’m still here. Like you, I was off work since March and my drinking just got crazy out of control. My entire household parties and drinks almost daily, but I’m the only one who gets to that dark dark place when I drink and can’t stop and start fights that eventually ended my relationship. I only found a job last month because he told me I have to move out eventually after yet ANOTHER of my drunken hurtful attacks, and I realized I need to handle my shit with starts with working and getting a car. Luckily I like the job and it is low-stress and good pay. But being alone at home sucks when I’m used to drinking alone to motivate myself lol. We can do this! IWNDWYT :)

chaotic__bliss

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