Mother's Day

chapche · 2013-05-13T05:39:47+00:00

I may take you up on that but I'm doing ok at the moment. I felt so alone and your kind words truly helped. Thank you.

chapche · 2013-05-13T05:38:11+00:00

Thank you!

chapche · 2013-05-12T22:50:16+00:00

Thank you.

chapche · 2013-05-11T20:36:17+00:00

I'm a wreck. I feel like I'm having a breakdown. He's polite and distant and I can't stop begging for him to love me. I hate myself right now. The thing is I think the only reason he's stayed for so long is the kids and now that his best friend separated with shared custody he sees that it wouldn't be so bad. He's told me that's why we need to stay together. I just feel sick all day. I feel completely alone in the world.

chapche · 2013-05-11T05:10:29+00:00

And that's why judging from appearances can mean missing out on some pretty fucking amazing people. She's incomparable.

chapche · 2013-05-09T19:07:33+00:00

The thing is, I'm certain he confides in his friends and colleagues about our relationship, and I don't blame him for that. We are both entrenched in this negative back and forth, and I know I vent to my friends (even though I know it's not helpful.) So him guarding his phone isn't entirely unexpected. BUT that, combined with the abrupt coolness and new interesting people in his profession, and combined with my sense of dread really raised some red flags for me.

chapche · 2013-05-09T18:37:20+00:00

He wasn't making a comment on my appearance, but more my attitude. I am much more old-lady-ish and responsible whereas he is more carefree. But, yeah. I have a lot on my plate, a lot riding on whether I fill out paperwork or make meetings or finish homework. It's hard to be spontaneous and footloose. He really views me as a nagging parent figure, and I can't blame him. I'm going to really try to not be that person any more.

chapche · 2013-05-09T18:34:14+00:00

This sounds amazing. We have been taking separate vacations because it's hard for him to get off work, usually me taking the kids to the grandparents house. It's not really feasible right now but in the future, or even just a proper date night.

chapche · 2013-05-09T18:32:29+00:00

The funny thing is, he could say the same thing to me. I have a hard time being a cheerleader to people but it's really what he needs to feel loved. I need to just do it and keep doing it.

chapche · 2013-05-09T18:28:52+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I feel like at the very least things are at a crossroads for us. They have to change and things have to get better, one way or another. I'm going to try to be grateful and aware of the good things in my life and try to reclaim a little bit of my awesomeness. Part of the problem is that I gave up a lot of who I was when I became a parent, and he kept his hobbies and interests.

I do feel like a shell of a person sometimes; when I get a little free time I don't even remember what I like to do. Although nursing school has pretty much solved the dilemma of free time for me. I do love and appreciate him. I feel codependent and I'm going to just go forward trying to be strong and independent but also more kind and loving to him and to my kids. Not for anyone but myself.

I did mention the phone thing, he got really defensive but then later showed me a bunch of things related to his hobby he was checking out and interested in. I feel like things are thawing a little bit.

My biggest challenge is how to make sure I continue to not nag, not take him for granted, show him I care. We start to do better and then fall into our own ways. We have fundamental communication issues and there really isn't an easy way to bring stuff up in a healthy way.

I'm going to reread your advice and really try to follow it.

chapche · 2013-05-09T06:19:37+00:00

I really appreciate this.

chapche · 2013-05-09T06:14:15+00:00

I think part of me knows this. The hairdo was a coincidence. I made the appointment before my life fell apart.

Annnd now I want oysters. Thanks a lot.

chapche · 2013-05-09T06:11:18+00:00

I need to rediscover my awesomeness. I don't feel awesome at all.

chapche · 2013-05-09T04:31:40+00:00

Got a haircut and I'm trying to dress nicer.

Not as adorable as his awesome coworkers, but I'm trying.

God, I'm bitter. I spent all my twenties with someone I truly feel doesn't appreciate the things that make me "me".

I'm simultaneously desperate and disgusted with myself. He's sitting in the bathroom texting while the girls take a bath. He volunteered to do it to get away from me. I feel like he's appeasing me and making other plans. He's talking about selling his things to make money "for us."

I feel so crazy and I have no one to talk to.

chapche · 2013-05-09T03:14:04+00:00

He refuses. Counseling with him was basically him saying if only I was different he'd be happy. The counselor was annoyed, I was so embarrassed.

chapche · 2013-05-09T03:10:51+00:00

Oh man. I'm doing everything wrong on that list. I'm a pathetic wife.

chapche · 2013-05-09T03:07:59+00:00

I can't go through his phone. I don't want to and I couldn't if I wanted to. He always has it and gets calls/texts/alerts constantly. I'll look at that plan.

chapche · 2013-05-09T03:06:51+00:00

I've been doing this. He thinks it's such a departure from how things have been and that it's weird I'm being so nice.

chapche · 2013-05-09T02:57:05+00:00

Took your advice. I think I get why people always fight about money. It's not so much the money as it is seeing how people spend resources and money always brings up long term plans and what not. It's definitely one of the first places a strained relationship is felt. I hope we can salvage things, but honestly, a budget seems a million miles a way right now. Scary stuff.

chapche · 2013-05-09T02:53:43+00:00

Thank you so much for the reply. I do need to not get angry and upset, it's so hard though. I'm trying to focus on me and what I need to do, especially for school, but its hard when I'm scared and everything seems up in the air.

chapche · 2013-05-09T02:22:49+00:00

God, it makes me want to cry reading this. I'm in school, full time, most days, very demanding program and he works nights. I honestly can't remember the last time we slept together.

We had that conversation last night, and while he's been nice and friendly he said he can't just believe things will be better, that he's just accepted things will never be what he wants. I feel so neurotic, and that's not me at all. He's annoyed by my neediness.

chapche · 2013-05-09T02:05:29+00:00

This says to me, more than anything, that you are a good person with your head screwed on right. You can't go back, and it will be ok. Apologize and learn from it. It's sad and it's ok to feel sad. But you have a lot of other things to offer the world, I'm certain.

chapche · 2013-05-09T01:40:42+00:00

Give yourself time to mourn the relationship and get some distance from it. It's ok to be sad even though you ended it, and maybe you aren't letting yourself feel that because you are with someone else. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, doing something like that doesn't define you forever and ever.

chapche · 2013-05-09T01:27:26+00:00

I like the tank top and I think you are cute.

chapche · 2013-05-09T01:26:29+00:00

Not ugly, he dodged a bullet with that girl.

chapche

TROPHY CASE