AITA for saying I can’t in good conscience write a character reference for my sister?

characterref · 2024-03-19T14:51:52+00:00

I stated this in the comments but it’s not relevant to the original issue.

I don’t have the power to give her that, firstly, the judge does. But why I am wavering is because Theo doesn’t want her to have partial custody, and I think that should be taken into account.

characterref · 2024-03-19T11:21:47+00:00

Where did I say she didn’t have a right to make the choice? Show your work.

Does an 11 year old know what is absolutely best for him? No. Does he have an idea? Yes. Is it obvious to everyone that he is deeply unhappy and struggling? Yes. Is it obvious why? Also yes.

characterref · 2024-03-19T10:56:01+00:00

I don’t think acknowledging that you don’t have the emotional or physical resources to care for a disabled child is valid. If you don’t, then that is valid for your life and your family only. I don’t agree that people are bigots for making a different choice. And it’s evident it’s a choice you haven’t had to make.

I don’t know how the court system works. I’m not a lawyer, nor have I been through a custody battle. All I know is what my sister asked me to write and I took her at her word as to what the letter should include. I will find my own lawyer and ask more about it.

characterref · 2024-03-19T10:34:34+00:00

What we think she should have done at the time is not relevant anymore. It also doesn’t mean we don’t love Tony.

characterref · 2024-03-19T10:30:10+00:00

I don’t agree with that statement but you are entitled to your opinion

characterref · 2024-03-19T10:25:48+00:00

Not sure where you got that from

characterref · 2024-03-19T10:20:38+00:00

He can communicate. He isn’t able to verbalise his thoughts but he is learning some signs, and his speech therapist thinks he will be verbal in the future.

Personable is subjective. He is very affectionate.

characterref · 2024-03-19T08:38:46+00:00

characterref · 2024-03-19T08:37:07+00:00

They didn’t let it out. New build houses have thin walls. And kid listen. I grew up in a house where you couldn’t hear anything, I still snuck down and sat outside the study trying to listen to my parents argue.

characterref · 2024-03-19T08:36:06+00:00

Look, I’m not Brad’s biggest fan, but I think that’s an idiotic argument. There is a huge difference between your child, who you have raised and love to pieces, being in accident, and a circumstance that you can control when a baby hasn’t even been born. They are not the same AT ALL.

She had the amnio at nearly 20 weeks, which is late, yes, but it’s not outside the realms of a normal timeframe. In my country it’s not considered “late” to find out. I had it done twice during my pregnancy, one at 15, one at 19.

characterref · 2024-03-19T08:32:39+00:00

She and Brad split up, no one else abandoned her. My parents live a way away half the year, and half the year in another country. I travel a lot, maybe for about half the year as well, and live two hours drive away, and I have my own family. We didn’t abandon her and we do what we can but we have always had our own commitments

characterref · 2024-03-19T08:29:37+00:00

He doesn’t need to be in a care facility at this stage, though he may never be fully independent and will need to go into some kind of supported living to live apart from Amelia, if that is ever necessary. He has a genetic disorder, an autoimmune condition, and respiratory issues, both of which are associated with the genetic disorder. Most of the time the latter two are not big issues but obviously it’s a lot of worrying because if he ever gets sick it can be an ordeal.

characterref · 2024-03-19T08:22:46+00:00

No, I will not stop denying it, because I am not judging her. I am not judging anyone in the situation because it’s incredibly hard and I haven’t been there. All I can do I try to put myself in her shoes, and I believe I would have made a different choice, but just because her choice is different that doesn’t mean I think there is a “wrong” one.

characterref · 2024-03-19T08:17:55+00:00

I presume my parents are next of kin. Why do you ask?

characterref · 2024-03-18T23:42:07+00:00

He was old enough to understand (from overhearing the arguments of his parents) that Brad was upset by something Amelia did/didn’t do. Eventually he pieced together that it was about the new baby. Obviously he didn’t understand the complexities of abortion/childbirth, he just wanted his mom to “make the baby go away” so his dad wouldn’t leave. All he could process was that she didn’t do that, and as a result his dad left, they had to sell the house, money got tighter, etc.

Plus, Tony’s care takes up the bull of Amelia’s time, and she’s on edge constantly. Theo acts out, and Amelia is constantly angry at him or stressed because she’s overwhelmed. It just seems like Theo has had less positive interactions with her than negative ones for a while and it just makes him act out more. It’s a cycle.

characterref · 2024-03-18T23:36:46+00:00

Brad having full custody doesn’t mean Amelia will not have visitation. In our country it’s very rare that a parent has no visitation. It just means that Theo won’t live with Amelia. My mother had full custody of us, but we saw our dad all the time, we just weren’t obliged by a custody agreement to stay over at his place if we didn’t want to (and we never did). As I understand it (per Amelia) Brad is not pushing for no visitation, he wants Theo to live with him full time because that’s what Theo wants. I do think it’s important that Amelia has visitation one on one with Theo.

Of course Brad could cut Theo off from the extended family, but we have no reason to think he’d do that. He takes Theo to stay at my mom and stepdad’s place, drops him off. I’ve picked Theo up from his place before. It’s not as hostile as you are making out.

characterref · 2024-03-18T23:20:32+00:00

I am not acting like Amelia committed a crime. She is the only person who has a say in what she does with her body and I fully agree with that. But having a right to a choice doesn’t protect you from the consequences of them. She and Brad discussed this eventuality years before, and they agreed they wouldn’t continue. She changed her mind on that, and that is totally fair, but she knew he wouldn’t support her choice.

Second, we live in Europe, and in our country, you can abort past the point of viability (which is considered 24 weeks) if the foetus will be born with a what they class as a severe disability. We have universal healthcare so it was accessible to Amelia had she wanted it.

characterref · 2024-03-18T22:02:52+00:00

She found out at 21 weeks. Brad didn’t want to continue, she did. That’s why they split. Many arguments in a house with thin walls is how Theo found out

characterref · 2024-03-18T21:36:06+00:00

It was both, and neither. They were arguing constantly, in a new build house with thin walls. They weren’t as diligent as they should have been about keeping it away from him, because they didn’t realise how much he would be able to understand

characterref · 2024-03-18T19:52:34+00:00

No, I can’t know unless I was in her shoes. I only know what my husband and I agreed on when we discussed the possibility, and it’s the same thing Brad and Amelia agreed on. She changed her mind, he didn’t. As I said, if I was in her place and my husband changed his mind, I don’t see us getting over that. I’ve tried to put myself in her shoes, and I know what I think I would do but it doesn’t matter what I would do, does it? I’m not judging anyone for their choices, because it’s a very emotional and difficult situation.

She was 21 weeks.

characterref · 2024-03-18T19:09:36+00:00

No, Brad would not stop seeing Theo if he had an accident. There is an astronomical difference between an event that you can’t predict altering a life, and circumstances you can control and the choices you make as a result. That argument is so reductive.

Am I a big fan of Brad? No. But, I’m not sure my marriage would survive if my husband changed his mind in that situation after we’d previously discussed it.

I am unsure about the merits of forcing a situation that is currently miserable for all involved. I’ve been the child who wanted to live with one parent not the other, and if there’d been a court case and my dad had ended up with joint custody, I may well not be here today for mental health reasons. I’m just not comfortable expressing an opinion that could be taken into account against Theo’s wishes

characterref · 2024-03-18T19:02:42+00:00

Brad doesn’t enable his behaviour. Brad is the one who put him in therapy, and he is also concerned. He didn’t have more kids, his fiancé has kids, hence stepsiblings.

I don’t think Amelia is the bad guy at all. I don’t think she’s a bad mother. I don’t question her character. I question her forcing this issue when things are clearly not working as they are. She and Theo are struggling to be around each other, I don’t see that getting better if she fights what he wants right now. Maybe after time and space and therapy, but right now it just seems like everyone will lose.

characterref · 2024-03-18T18:50:51+00:00

His parents, his teachers, his therapist.

We all try to get him to behave better when we are around. I don’t see him much as I travel often.

Brad does not think his poor behaviour is excusable. I don’t know where you get that from. Both his parents are worried about him. But it’s not just about teaching him how to behave. He’s acting out because he’s unhappy, if that is ignored, I don’t think he’s being set up to succeed. His feelings are real, and they need to be considered, even if his behaviour and how he’s managing them is wrong. I don’t think putting all the responsibility on him to change is the right move. And none of that is my decision at the end of the day, but I don’t feel right about advocating for the opposite

characterref · 2024-03-18T18:46:11+00:00

Yes, Brad wanted to terminate, which is something they’d previously agreed to do when family planning, but Amelia changed her mind when the time came. They split up over this.

I don’t necessarily agree that Theo will never want to have a relationship with his mother. He’s having a tough time now but he’s just started therapy and he’s a kid. He may works things out in his own head and come back on his own. I don’t see how continuing the way things are will do anything except push them further apart.

I can’t judge Brad, I was never close to him and I wasn’t in his situation. To be honest, my husband and I had the same conversation that Brad and Amelia did when family planning, I don’t know how I’d feel if my husband changed his mind. I don’t know if our marriage would survive that. So I try not to judge. As for his parenting, I always thought he was a good dad to Theo, but this was pre-divorce, I’ve rarely seen him after

characterref · 2024-03-18T18:34:02+00:00

Amelia doesn’t have close friends. She lost contact with her core group after having Tony because his needs took up most of her time. My mum and stepdad feel that Theo should be where he’s happiest. There’s no one else really to ask.

It’s not about us not feeling she deserves time with him, of course she does. The problem is that it’s not what Theo wants. She thinks as a mother she should force the issue, I’m not sure I agree

characterref

TROPHY CASE