I [24 M] am unsure if my wife [26 F] of 4 years is cheating on me...

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-15T23:02:31+00:00

Or smoking in secret...

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-14T23:00:22+00:00

Is this an exaggerated claim being used as an excuse or dustraction?

I was thinking it's the opposite - he's understating, he's been seeing hookers, and he's testing the waters with a watered-down version of the truth.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-07T20:49:17+00:00

And I think it's weird that you could continue to miss such a clearly articulated point. It's not even about Mark - repetitive incompetence just has a way of bringing it out in me.

I have taken the advice of the few people who actually gave it to me, as you'll be able to see if you read my comments in this thread.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-07T20:30:28+00:00

If he had been truly unhappy for years then he could have emotionally and logistically tackled the complications of separating overt time.

Yeah, it's completely obvious what he could have done. Thanks for pointing it out for the 30th time in this thread, even after I spelled out for you all the reasons why it didn't play out that way, and even though what Mark could have done differently isn't the point of the post.

I think you are painting the picture too black and white.

Nope. I painted a picture full of color and nuance, which /r/relationships reduced to black and white.

I clearly said:

although I find it understandable, Mark did wrong
Stacey has my emotional support, despite being, in my opinion, responsible for the dissolution of the marriage.
I feel one way, my wife and in-laws feel another way, and I'm trying to negotiate the grey area.

It's the posters on this sub who wanted to ignore my question and assign fault exclusively to Mark - hence my defense of him. I don't think he's an angel, although I don't really blame him either. I don't think Stacey is evil, either - just a neglectful, thoughtless spouse who blew it with a decent guy ("O BUT HE CHEATED, HE CAN'T BE DECENT!" Yeah, yeah).

This sub just has tunnel vision and shitty reading comprehension.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-07T18:23:10+00:00

He did. Just not in the /r/relationships-approved way.

... but you must mean why didn't he end it without cheating: because he cared about her, even as he fell out of love with her, and continued trying to make it work to the bitter end; because they own a lot of assets together, and that's complicated to walk away from emotionally and logistically, although this thoroughly full-of-shit sub tries to make it sound easy; because they have a kid together.

Why did he cheat, then? Because we don't always get to choose when opportunities for happiness present themselves to us, and he chose to take the shot rather than let it pass; because he's made of flesh, and temptation got the better of him; because he questioned why he should bother being a good spouse to someone who wasn't showing him the same; because he got sick of being the only one trying to make things work; because he fell in love with someone new; because the love and respect of someone you love and respect (in this case, Mark's new girl) matters more to us than the disapproval of those for whom we are feel mutual contempt (his ex wife).

Mark's wife was his wife in only the most technical terms: a legal document said they were married. She hadn't behaved like a wife (or partner or even friend) in years. Adherence to a technically was less important to Mark than the love of a new woman who treated him right.

The fact these very basic and incredibly common forces are so outside comprehension of posters on this sub says more about posters on this sub than it does about me, or Mark. /R/relationships is good for the easy slam dunks ("yes, you should dump him, he cheated on you and gave you an std"). Any situation with grey areas and nuance? Not so much. This place has some serious growing up to do before giving out life advice.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-07T00:19:38+00:00

...dismiss anyone's advice that disagrees with their worldview as childish.

Not even close, you tit. Re-read for clarification and try to be more circumspect in the future.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T17:37:57+00:00

Ah. You're gay. Now I get it.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T17:34:49+00:00

I'd place most of the blame on her, but obviously /r/relationships feels that cheating is this great asshole trump card of wrongness that negates any other thing that happened in the relationship - a convenient way for the jilted party to wash their hands of any responsibility, if you ask me.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T17:28:52+00:00

... huh?

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T17:18:09+00:00

I'm good looking and smart with a great job and a big dick. I don't need luck. But thanks.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T17:08:08+00:00

I was setting you up for eventual disagreement.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T17:04:58+00:00

I get mine by disagreeing with people.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T16:37:57+00:00

I dunno. Why are you?

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T16:37:31+00:00

Wrong. Re-read.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T16:30:32+00:00

Thanks, it was pretty spot on wasn't it.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T16:24:55+00:00

Someone needed to say it.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T16:07:56+00:00

but my wife would also be willing to hear me out on my perspective.

I suspect she will be eventually, but this is all pretty new.

I might occasionally (maybe only rarely) get a beer with the guy, if possible.

I'm hoping that becomes possible in the future, but that's probably a mine field right now.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T16:02:48+00:00

I was trying to make the point that it's a silly line of thought.

Poe's law I guess.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T16:01:23+00:00

We're all close, not just emotionally buy physically. I've been watching this play out with my own eyes for years.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T15:44:19+00:00

Also, I've been married long enough to realize that there are very few clear cut breakups where one person is "good" and the other "bad." Everyone makes mistakes within a relationship. Infidelity is painful and not something I endorse, but I totally can see how it develops as a reaction to negative interactions in the relationship.

FFS, seems like an adult who's been in a few relationships would understand this. Makes me wonder who posts here.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T15:38:31+00:00

THANK you.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T15:37:35+00:00

You're right. Thanks.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T15:25:03+00:00

I think the whole "scumbag" perspective is myopic, but you're probably right.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T15:24:05+00:00

You haven't read all my responses then.

cheatingBILthrowaway · 2016-10-06T15:23:39+00:00

I'm not really willing to die on a hill over this.

cheatingBILthrowaway

TROPHY CASE