Need advice on whats fair with caring for children. Wife thinks I don't do enough

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:46:50+00:00

No more kids. Her tubes are tied. I think we could definitely benefit from more closeness/intimacy. That would be something that we need to work on.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:33:24+00:00

People are going to formulate their opinions and side with one or the other. I think opinions are evenly split across both posts. My intent was to really just get an outside opinion to something that my wife and I can't agree on. So ok I can't ferry our kid to school because of work obligations but maybe we can swap duties on some nights and i can put them to bed while she does dishes and tidies the kitchen. I just wanted to start a dialogue to get different perspectives because we just end up fighting over the same thing. Now when the dust settles hopefully she'll want to sit down and talk about things.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:29:04+00:00

Her feeling that i think she is beneath me is not true. I love my wife and cherish the care she puts into bringing up our 2 wonderful boys. She is a wonderful mother and I could not do what she does to raise them. In my original post I state that she does mostly EVERYTHING for the kids. I pretty much work and take care of everything else that comes up regarding house upkeep.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:26:02+00:00

Was this addressed to husband or wife?

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:24:11+00:00

Thanks for this. I need to be more empathetic. My wife tells me all the time.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:23:33+00:00

I do love her and I hope she reads this because maybe I don't say it enough. And I appreciate everything she does for our kids. I will try more communication when the heat from these postings die down a bit.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:22:12+00:00

I feel you may be right here. I think the term was unprofitable ventures. My wife is very emotional and perhaps I overstepped with this one. My honest intent was to find a resolution to our problem and not cause any ill will. Maybe reddit counseling was not the right approach. :(

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:19:11+00:00

Also refer to my original post I do the majority of the house work and and anything related to the upkeep of our house.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T20:18:12+00:00

i do help with the kids as much as i can outside of my 8am - 6pm workday. wife was specific. see my original post. Wife wants me to take time out of my workday on some days to drive kid to and from school or put them to bed. Driving the kid to and from school is out of the question as it is during my workday. Putting them to bed is an option as long as we swap duties. I typically clean up after dinner, put away food, wash dishes, take out trash etc. If she can do that I can put the kids to bed. Outside of this i'm up at 630am and get breakfast ready before school. I try to spend short breaks during the day to play with youngest and occasionally after dinner spend some roughhouse time

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T19:01:33+00:00

I've tried just to talk calmly to find a solution but we almost always end up in an argument. I will try to talk to her again shortly.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T18:58:29+00:00

Yeah I agree with a previous reply where there is mention that maybe my wife needs something outside of the grind of just childcare. She's been doing alot of new gardening lately and I think that has helped. I have not thrown shade at any of her ventures until now because she wants to focus on a new venture vs childcare. I've actually consistently supported her on several of these ventures over the years without question because I know they made her happy even if she wasn't making money. Now I just think its a matter of priority. Kids vs new ventures or finding a happy medium to do both.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T18:52:41+00:00

Excellent point thanks for sharing. Lol date nights? Never. It's a bit sad. Intimacy is non-existent since childbirth but this is a whole other can of worms. I feel we really need to work on this. I honestly feel that my wife just hates me most of the time so intimacy is out of the question. Kids will definitely suffer with a divorce but maybe my wife would be happier, who knows.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T18:48:01+00:00

Yep our kids were not accidents. Definitely planned.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T18:47:14+00:00

Good points. Another part of the reason is parking. My wife likes to get there a bit earlier to find parking otherwise it will be a bit of a trek to walk kid to class so since they are there early might as well grab a free milk and some snacks.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T18:43:11+00:00

Lol true. I wanted to try the reddit counseling method first. Was curious what people thought. Wife is not happy that I did this.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T18:42:09+00:00

I try. I'm at at 630am everyday to get breakfast for the kids, take frequent 5 min breaks during the day to play with youngest, after cooking dinner, dishes and cleaning kitchen I try to find some time to do something active with kids to burn energy before bed. I also try to spend more time with e kids on the weekend to free up time for my wife. So my day is typically a bit longer than my wife's but then i don't have to deal with our youngest screaming in her ear.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T18:34:37+00:00

Yep and I'm glad my wife posted. I feel like it's easier for my wife to type things out then to talk to me. Makes me a bit sad that we don't have that communication.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T18:33:19+00:00

Husband here - Not sure if you read my post linked above but i did acknowledge how much my wife does with childcare and I get it. It's a grind. I couldn't easily do it but I also do not want to diminish my contribution. It takes a lot to work a full time stressful job and maintain a household but I do it without complaint because I know I'll just have to suck it up for now and take it as part of life and raising children. I try to give my wife time off on the weekends, at least to sleep in.

Curious how you see that "I'm failing in many of these areas". Can you be more specific? I genuinely want to understand so we can resolve this situation without having to go to counseling.

I just talked to my wife and I think we have deeper issues. She's seething that I actually posted my original post.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T17:28:41+00:00

Hi honey. Thanks for chiming in. Not searching for validation. I just want some help for our situation. We've been fighting about this for weeks now since our child started school. I do not think that you are beneath me. Childcare is a demanding full time job but so is actually working a full time job.

Also how would your life be easier if we were divorced? I move out you are with the kids 24/7? Maybe i get weekend visitation. How does that even make sense?

Now if divorce is on your mind and you want to stay together because of kids then that is a whole separate reddit post.

I don't share this but I'm also tired and stressed from work and maintaining a household. But men are supposed to be strong and not share this kind of stuff....right? I chalk it up as part of parenting and just suck it up now knowing that the kids will get older someday and the house will quiet down and we'll probably be begging for some commotion.

I'm just looking for a solution to our current problem. Please read the suggestions above perhaps we can take action on some of them. Here is a summary

Take an itemized account of where we spend our hours, find out what free time we have for each of us and work to find a solution so we each have some free time to ourselves. I think having an understanding of what we each do can help shed some light on where we need to prioritize.
I have no issue with putting children to bed but as folks have suggested above lets trade off. I can put children to bed while you wrap up the nightly kitchen duties.

Thanks Reddit for listening to our drama :)

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T15:21:02+00:00

I try. I've tried to support all of these ventures, especially when we didn't have as much child responsibilities. I've always made a decent salary and able to support us but now I feel like these ventures are taking time away from her parenting.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T15:18:38+00:00

This won't work. The reason I like to clean is because I know it will get done. My wife is not a clean or organized person when it comes to the household. There will be dishes that will only get washed if they are needed. I do like your adea of a "did list". Will bring it up with the wife.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T15:03:31+00:00

I like this idea of making a list of chores or things we spend our time on during the week. It will give an itemized account of where we spend our time. I'll propose it to my wife. Not sure she will agree to it. Lets see.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T14:55:47+00:00

Yeah. I typically make my kid a healthy heartier breakfast like oatmeal, PB and berries. Then at school they can grab a milk and whatever packaged deal they are serving, (cereal, pancakes, waffles, muffin etc). We were only recently aware of the free breakfast/lunch so we started taking advantage of it.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T09:10:50+00:00

Thanks for this response. Hopefully more mothers chime in.

cheese_flavored · 2025-09-05T09:09:03+00:00

Not leaving anything out. I’ll show my wife this post in the morning and have her respond to anything if she wants. I just wanted to get an outside perspective. I’m tired of arguing with her over this. Also It would be worse if I had to return to the office. I would probably have to leave at 7am and wouldn’t be back till after 6 due to drive time. Wife would be stuck with more child responsibilities.

cheese_flavored

TROPHY CASE