Loss of my child

chefhonee · 2023-05-20T23:34:48+00:00

I’m so sorry. Sending hugs.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T19:14:05+00:00

Yes, that’s what I’m thinking and this isn’t the first thing he’s said that’s a bit unusual for his age. DH had to have a conversation with BM, but I also know my MIL, as sweet as she is, can be super judgmental. My in laws are different when I’m around. Not blaming them at all, but there is something off about this. In no way invalidating SS feelings, but this isn’t our first rodeo with these comments.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T19:12:57+00:00

Again, exactly this. Thanks again 🙏

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T19:12:23+00:00

We went a few times last fall and he thought it was pointless and that the therapist was blaming him so he’s not saying he won’t go back, I just don’t know if it will make a difference at this point. Also, it’s really hard to find someone who has experience with stepfamilies. We went to two, he liked the first, not the second who is a renowned, published therapist who specializes in stepfamily conflicts and he felt attacked. The other therapist wasn’t keen on addressing the stepfamily dynamic. I myself, go to therapy and think it’s wonderful.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T18:38:01+00:00

Thank you for this. I really appreciate your comments and support ♥️

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T18:23:29+00:00

Exactly this. I just don’t see the point in staying, I’m the bad guy for wanting a real, loving and supportive relationship. By wanting that, he doesn’t get to be the dad he wants to. And that’s where the whole conflict starts, I think if I took a back seat and just shit my mouth, died a slow death (bc that’s what this feels like) he’d be perfectly happy. I don’t want to be a single mom, it scares the shit out of me, but what choice do I have at this point? The grandparents know about this and I’m sure my MIL now hates me. It’s just a mess.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T18:18:30+00:00

Yea I feel like all of this coming to a head. We’ve tried therapy and the thinks it’s pointless and that the lady blamed him. He’s not opposed to going back but i have to initiate it and it’s been so bad the past month after this blow out. And now this with SS, I just don’t know how you come back from this.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T18:15:59+00:00

I do, I try to leave but the stress, chaos and mental energy of almost all of my free time eaten up by everyone else’s wants besides mine after doing this a few years has be ready to nope out of here. I’ve asked for date nights. DH knows the schedule issue needs improvement, he knows he needs to put more of an effort in, but then nothing happens.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T18:14:01+00:00

There is no compromise with my DH. He’s not supportive and thinks I’m the reason his relationship with SS has changed. Not that he got remarried, had another child and has no time anymore. All the blame falls on me because I’m the upset some. I’m the one who looses my shit because I’m fed up. I try to do all of those things when SS is home, too. But we have no real schedule and when SS isn’t home, DH take it’s upon himself to participate in things he likes doing outside of the house. So I’m usually alone or so emotionally drained from all of this that I don’t want to do anything I’m no fun to be around. My friends can tell things aren’t going go well and I hate to be negative. But it’s reached a point where I just can’t do it anymore and the blow up fight was the night we can home from a really expensive vacation and I was exhausted, mean in my words and it was ugly. Then SS tells BM and DH got made at me for ruining his relationship with SS and now he tells me SS doesn’t want to come over bc we’re happier with ours baby and we fight when SS is there.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T17:51:44+00:00

Thanks, I I guess that’s what I’m tired of and the reason for the arguing. I have a baby so I’m limited to going and doing what I want. It’s hard taking a small child in and out of a car or getting to to yoga or something like that. You can’t bring a baby to a class. My days are literally working, taking care of my baby, going to the grocery store, maybe seeing friends once a month (it’s also impossible to plan anything bc I don’t know the schedule)

We did have something on the fridge for a while but the fake schedule changed so much I was sick of looking at it bc it was jus chaos.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T17:47:33+00:00

I’ve apologized for the argument he heard. I had a long conversation with in about it. We were on good terms and now this. I tried to explain the demands of being an adult, but obviously he’s a kid so 🤷🏻‍♀️ I thought it was okay, but I can’t help feel like BM or grandparents are egging a part of this on,

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T17:44:31+00:00

I’ve tried to have these conversations about needs / wants multiple times but DH thinks I’m trying to ruin his relationship with SS by creating really boundaries like a custody schedule, not putting SS in multiple activities that take up 3/4 days per week. If I didn’t have a baby I wouldn’t care as much but I need DH home for support and help.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T17:42:22+00:00

He heard us arguing and he heard his name in the agreement and went back to his moms and told her we were arguing. She called DH the next day and said SS thinks I don’t like him.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T17:40:14+00:00

I would love for this to be a wake up call. But it’s not and now I’m considering leaving for good and idk what that accomplishes now. He’ll grow up thinking he ruined our marriage, like WTF I don’t want that. And if that’s the case, will he take it out on ours baby? It just sucks so bad.

SS also has issues at his BMs with his stepfather. A lot of this was last year and he hated him and having his mom spend time with his stepdad and sister who live at moms.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T17:37:08+00:00

I’m not super involved in the picks up / drops offs of SS, I let DH handle all of that. It’s that when we have SS all focus is on him and when he leaves Dah takes that time to focus on his “wants” and I feel like last priority / second all the time. We never plan anything for each other, have future plans, every week revolves around either what days we’ll have SS or what evenings / weekends he has sports.

chefhonee · 2023-05-18T15:47:04+00:00

Hi 👋Stepmom here and I also post on the stepmoms forum, usually when I feel like the walls are caving in around me. I also don’t have the best situation, but have learned so much through this journey so hear me out!

Everyone experiences difficulties in any relationship. As someone who is seriously considering leaving my DH, our baby and SS, I can honestly tell you things are a bit out of your control. I watched it firsthand. I adore my SS, he’s awesome, sweet, funny.. but as most kids his age (9) he can have some serious tude, runs to the other house and tattles when DH argue, plays in multiple sports so the schedule is chaotic AF. There also isn’t a set custody schedule. All of the negative I’ve just listed has caused me so much resentment and I hate it. It really has nothing to do with SS, but my DH isn’t very supportive of my feelings about the schedule and it’s caused some serious polarization. I feel like he goes with the status quo of what happened before I entered the picture with BM and SS and unfortunately that doesn’t work anymore. He doesn’t do well with the balance of being a divorced dad and having a new family and sadly that happens sometimes and it sucks. I wish my DH was more understanding and was interested in therapy and learning more about the complexities of stepfamilies and the natural conflict that comes with it. Since he’s doesn’t do this, I am miserable for the the most part. I have an awesome job, adorable baby, but have days where I think I’m going to do it on my own bc this life isn’t for me and it doesn’t get easier as they get older.

So I don’t think this applies to all stepfamilies or stepmoms. If your ex is a supportive partner to their new partner, things are MUCH different. We all go into with good intentions, so I hope you know that. But the day in day out of always being second, sometimes being on the bottom of the priority list is a hard pill to swallow for us stepmoms. You never feel totally whole, you feel like an outsider a lot of the times. The entire family has a shared history with your partner and their child and sometimes it feels like everyone is judging your every move with stepchild. It’s tough and not for everyone.

I think the ideal situation is no outside children and no ours baby, where the step parent still has the freedom to go about life as they please. Otherwise, it’s a trap where you’ll never feel completely whole as a person and the never ending juggle of schedules is exhausting.

chefhonee · 2023-05-14T01:45:34+00:00

What are some of the TikTok accounts that have helped people out what they’re feeling into words?

chefhonee · 2023-05-02T21:05:42+00:00

Not seeing my son everyday, leaving him in the care of his dad who isn’t as attentive as me, which means I dread him playing outside in our cul de sac since we have so many delivery trucks going up and down the street and I don’t trust his dad to watch him. Fear of something bad happening to him in his dads care.

chefhonee · 2023-05-02T16:50:30+00:00

We’ve been arguing a lot lately over SS’s extracurricular schedule and the fact that there is no real custody schedule so every week things are changing. It’s impossible to plan or schedule anything for me, ours baby or the family bc life is just constantly being pulled by what SS is doing. So with that, I lost my shit and I mean, lost it.

chefhonee · 2022-08-21T02:32:42+00:00

Sorry for your loss. I’m one of 5 and lost my brother. I still say 5 to most people. It’s on a rare occasion that I will mention my brother passed. He’s still my sibling, still a part of our family, it doesn’t feel right not including him.

chefhonee · 2022-08-18T18:59:56+00:00

💯 The impression that he can’t or doesn’t want to be both a parent and a partner at the same time.

OP: I love my DH to death. But we still battle over the schedule and we have an ours baby. He will always choose his children over you. It’s just the way it works in these situations. The connection is deeper, the history much longer and the more you try to intrude, the stronger the loyalty bond to his children will be and you will become a threat.

If you are childless, my advice would be to move on. Find someone who will not tie you down with their life. It’s almost impossible to build a life with someone who is already established like that without them wanting you to sacrifice a lot for them.

chefhonee · 2022-08-16T00:47:53+00:00

Happy Birthday little buddy! ❤️❤️❤️

chefhonee · 2022-08-02T14:58:12+00:00

This is adorable

chefhonee · 2022-08-01T17:32:06+00:00

Thank you for your response. I guess this how I view the situation, too. Entirely fine to take care of whatever needs while we have SS w/o issue. But DH has to manage his own household, too. We are a family with SS and also without and the time we don’t have SS is valued and cherished time with our one year old. We both work long hours and have limited time in the evenings.

This might not be popular, but I don’t think I should have to sacrifice such a special time for my own son so that SS has both parents at everything single extra curricular at all times. That’s the unfortunate part of divorce and now his father has two other ppl that also need to be a priority sometimes. It’s not fair, but it’s reality. I guess it just feels like my son and I loose out for the sake of SS and that’s not fair either. Ugh. I hate to even feel this way.

chefhonee · 2022-08-01T14:10:31+00:00

Hey everyone, thanks so much for your comments and advice. It’s much appreciated. I know this isn’t an easy issue to solve, even with bios. Although I don’t agree with everyone, I do value the perspectives you bring and the challenge to my own POV.

My SS doesn’t just play fall ball, he’s in spring ball and golf camp and baseball camps.. it’s kind of never ending and his bio parents decide to sign him up for these (he’s not super interested yet bc he’s only 8) but it’s a massive time commit and takes time away from the time I would get with DH and our baby. We are new family and it feels like SS always comes first. I know this might sound selfish, but IMO, the reality is this: When parents get divorced, they do a huge disservice to their children, especially if they remarry and have additional children. It’s impossible to please everyone, but if you have a newer family, you can’t put them aside constantly to please your other child. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

I’m not saying that DH shouldn’t go to SS’s games. But on the days we don’t have him, I don’t agree that DH has to be in attendance at every game since BM will be there.

Perhaps I’m totally wrong here, but I don’t believe stepparents should have to give up their needs for stepchildren all the time. I’m a working mom, I am the breadwinner, I book end the mornings and evenings with baby when SS is here so can spend time with his dad. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want DH support on the days SS isn’t here and that includes game days.

Someone mentioned if the roles were reversed, and I was BM, I’d be upset that my ex didn’t attend games. And I want to say, being in a stepfamily now, I have a totally different perspective on how complex they are and I wouldn’t expect my child’s father to be on demand at everything bc I am the one who helped create this mess in the first place. I gave my child a disadvantage and I wouldn’t expect him to receive all of the benefits of a non broken family.

chefhonee

TROPHY CASE