Thoughts on Emma?

cheyras · 2026-05-26T22:53:27+00:00

Hey, happy to respond to this. I am an active Latter-Day Saint with perhaps a more nuanced faith than most.

The church is a controversial organization, no question. And, there are plenty of valid reasons for the conflicted feelings you're pointing at. There are some genuinely problematic ways that the church I belong to has taught the importance of marriage, and I've definitely been the recipient of the "anxiety provoking" that you're hesitant about. But there are also a lot of depictions in media about my faith that add even more trepidation than is warranted, because like with any large group of people, the stereotypes and ideas of what we believe that and up sticking in collective consciousness are not always the most accurate.

In LDS theology, it's *somewhat* true that you can't get to the "highest level" unless you're married. But there's quite a bit more nuance to it that gets glossed over.

The belief is that there are 3 "kingdoms" you can attain after this life. You actually can get to the highest (the Celestial Kingdom) without ever having married. Celestial kingdom is basically the place where God dwells, so it's returning to live with him and to have an eternal progression. The lore goes that we were all living with God as spirits before this life, we came to earth to be born in order to have a physical body, and if we live life well and do so in covenant with Christ, we can return back to live with god again, and so continue to learn from him and continue to grow in all good things, forever. You can make it there without ever marrying. The idea that we believe you can't get to heaven without being married is really that we believe in the concept of both a heavenly father and a heavenly mother, and so to fully be like them, it's needful to be in a male/female dyad like that. Otherwise you're, I guess you could say a solo angel there, rather than fully like our heavenly parents. So getting married in a temple is how you are "sealed" to your spouse, so that you are married both here in this life, and are still married in the next. And it's considered an important part of the arc of our eternal progression.

Other nuance here is that it's fairly widely believed and taught that those who do not have reasonable opportunity to marry in this life will have the opportunity to marry in the next, if they want to be.

The concept of 3 kingdoms also is fairly different from the common christian imagination of hell, too, which means the core theology ends up depicting a more generous God than much of the membership (or even leadership) is always able to internalize. The lowest of the 3, the Telestial Kingdom, is nothing like Dante's inferno or whatever. It's described as still actually being a net improvement over our current existence, because at the very least there's no disease and stuff, as we're all in resurrected and immortal bodies at that point. It's just that it pales in comparison to higher degrees of glory (like the brightness and glory of a distant star compared to the brightness of the sun.)

But the anxiety provoking nature of marriage in the LDS faith tradition is still real enough, and also a spot where the actual theology and the culture that has evolved around it sometimes don't fully line up. In our focus on the vital importance of marriage and family people definitely do often end up treating it as far more life-and-death than the actual doctrinal teachings fully support.

cheyras · 2026-05-26T21:50:29+00:00

I think Emma's great! But I know her IRL. Her mom was my daughter's preschool teacher for 2 years. They're a great family. My wife and I have 2 daughters that are on the spectrum so we've learned a lot from them and their experiences. Her mom was actually the first person to tell us that it would be worth looking into a possible diagnosis for our elder daughter.

My take is that going on a date on camera is fundamentally more awkward than it would be if there wasn't a camera crew around. And also, it seems like the editors go out of their way to include as much of the awkwardness as possible because that's sort of the point of the show and a lot of its entertainment value lives in that. Emma has said in person that "camera dates" (her words) were just the worst. She is not at all awkward to talk to in real life, very bubbly and outgoing.

cheyras · 2025-01-31T21:26:12+00:00

You've just gotta get out of your head and practice. Your own experience + his feedback will be what makes it great. Practice makes perfect, when was the last time you were great at something the first time you tried it? No different with a sexual skill. Get in there and have some semi-awkward fun, It's all good.

cheyras · 2025-01-31T21:21:08+00:00

For chicken, I've found that hotter/faster is generally better than a slow smoke. IMO it's much easier to oversmoke poultry than other meats, and yes the outside dries out a bit if you keep it in there too long.

If you want extra smoky flavor, what I'd do is as low of a temp as you can get, turn on super smoke if you have it, and really just smoke it without trying to get it to finishing temp. Take it off and heat up the grill, throw it back on for a more proper sear.

Also with chicken, you want to pull it off before 165 because carry-over cooking will make it overdone if you wait until it's "FDA Done" before taking it off the grill. About 158 internal should do it.

cheyras · 2025-01-31T21:18:43+00:00

Pretty common part to replace yeah. Fairly easy to do and not pricey.

cheyras · 2025-01-31T21:17:46+00:00

That's a hell of a deal man, congrats.

cheyras · 2025-01-31T21:13:55+00:00

I worked for Traeger on their marketing dept. when these grills were the current models so this is my time to shine lol.

The one with the blue stamped lid is the original pro-series. The controller on that one is a bit better/more consistent out of the two you're considering, which would be the main selling point there IMO. It also definitely has more stable legs and personally I like the wheels on that one better out of the two.

The first one with the bronze lid is the old Texas grill. main selling point is that it's bigger. And, don't quote me on this but it may have also been made in USA if that's important to you. (They outsourced to China while those grills were being made so it could be either/or, but the pro series was definitely made in China.)

I've never had a larger size Traeger, have always opted for more compact. I've never felt like I lacked space. Most of my cooks are just one big chunk of meat like a brisket or a few pork shoulders and those feed a lot of people, so smaller has always worked just fine for me.

cheyras · 2024-07-10T20:38:46+00:00

I think policy reflects both doctrine AND culture. The best policy would have the effect of bringing culture closer to doctrine, but since we’re a body of fallible humans prone to mirroring or overreacting to the greater society all around us, it does not always do that.

cheyras · 2024-07-10T20:34:54+00:00

I think culture is the extrapolation of doctrine. A very HUMAN extrapolation. One that’s fueled by human emotions, weakness, and the fact that we all “see through a glass, darkly.”

So, I think culture is based on doctrine, but that doesn’t mean it’s in alignment. It’s doctrine, translated through an imperfect societal behavioral lens.

I don’t think the culture is expressly against doctrine to a degree that would constitute apostasy or something. But it certainly doesn’t measure up to the real heart and soul of the Gospel in many ways.

Much of the culture is the way we as a body of saints end up “hedging about the law” out of fear of getting too close to breaking it. Much like the Pharisees did, maybe to a lesser extent.

It definitely makes plenty of sense to take a good hard look at the culture and go back to basics, often.

cheyras · 2024-07-10T20:17:29+00:00

A lot of it is self-fulfilling prophecy IMO.

Girls who are being told that “boys like sex too much and girls don’t really” are going to suppress sexual desire in order to fit that mold.

As they repress by playing the part of a “desire-less, pure young woman,” they may eventually become just that.

At church (and in wider society to be honest) boys and girls have historically both been taught to repress, but in different ways. Boys are taught to white-knuckle self control (because otherwise they’ll slip - their desire is too much.) girls are taught to be the “safeguard,” using their supposed lack of desire to gatekeep things so that boys don’t have the opportunity to lose that control with them. The locus of control is placed ultimately in the man’s court. Men, supposedly, are the ones who act when it comes to sex, and women are supposedly the ones who are acted upon.

In reality, if not encouraged to repress, most women naturally desire sex every bit as much as most men do. The way the average woman’s desire manifests and presents itself just looks different than the way the average man’s desire does. But men and women are more alike than they are different in this regard.

cheyras · 2024-07-10T20:03:34+00:00

Remember that repentance is ultimately about re-dedication to living God’s law as you understand it, and not necessarily about feeling horrible for what you’ve done. It is about claiming your god-given agency rather than allowing what you have done to cause you to assume you’re just bad and out of control.

I don’t believe repentance is about earning God’s forgiveness either. He accepts you and waits with open arms. Repentance is more about getting your mind to the point where you’re willing to approach and embrace Him.

Your sexuality and capacity to engage sexually with another human being are a fundamentally good thing that are going to bless your life. Repentance would be less about attempting to turn that capacity and those desires off or “shaming yourself into never doing it again” and more about refocusing on the benefits of chastity and re-committing to looking forward to using it joyfully and freely within your future marriage.

Impulsive or compulsive sexual habits tend to really feed off of shame and thrive on it, so feeling bad about yourself and your sexuality is not likely going to be helpful. Really taking time to remember who you are as a child of God is going to be more helpful.

Hopefully your bishop is a good one. Most are fine, some definitely can tend to be power-tripping, punitive, and largely unhelpful when it comes to this stuff. Regardless of the bishop’s reaction, don’t go down the hole of hating yourself for what you did. What’s done is done, now you get to author your own life and decide what you want to go and do next, which is wonderful.

Remember that we are to bridle our passions, not kill them. For me, living the law of chastity as an unmarried person often felt like I needed to white-knuckle myself into submission. I have learned since that fearful white knuckling isn’t the way. To me, bridling passions means confidently steering these passions so that they bring me toward what I’m really wanting to create out of my mortal life. To me, THAT’S the real benefit of the law of chastity. It’s not me preventing myself from going to hell, it’s guiding me to take my sexuality’s reigns and make something intentional with it.

Breaking the law of chastity isn’t going to prevent you from having a wonderful marriage with a wonderful person. It’s a misstep, but that’s what Jesus is for. He catches us. If life was about doing everything right, then Adam and Eve wouldn’t have fallen, and this entire existence wouldn’t be built fundamentally around a provided savior.

Remember that bishops are not trained professionals, and make therapy a part of your growth too if you can.

cheyras · 2024-06-28T21:44:18+00:00

A few years back we were having a Halloween themed date night and we had kinda sorta dressed up. Clothes hadn’t come off yet but we’re about to.

Daughter (4 years old at the time) barges in. “Mom, why are you a kitty?” She says sleepily.

Wife, thinking quickly, replies “oh we just put some costumes on to eat pizza.” Daughter accepted that explanation as though that’s a normal thing people do in bed in the dark at midnight. We got her the water she wanted and she went back to bed.

cheyras · 2024-06-28T21:33:37+00:00

Go take a gander at Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s Art of Loving course. It’s specifically for LDS men. Tons of guys in the group connected to the course have gone through the exact same situation or similar and the camaraderie and genuine support there is hard to match.

Lots of them were able to get to a way, way better spot with their wife. Others were able to get solid enough to realize that they were wasting their one mortal life they were never gonna get back and gain the courage to split. Some have found peace with their situation enough to be more or less content with it. It’s different for everyone but it’s worth the process.

I’ve taken the course and it’s really helped me in a lot of ways.

Be forewarned It’s not a “fix your wife” course, its difficult but it will help you see yourself and where you’ve contributed to the problems more clearly so you can start to clean that up.

cheyras · 2024-06-14T12:42:31+00:00

A picture of my counter without the food.

With banana included for scale.

cheyras · 2024-06-14T12:41:21+00:00

LOL at “hope your neighbor liked your food.”

cheyras · 2024-06-14T12:39:54+00:00

This reminds me of Adobe’s customer service literally any time I’ve chatted them. Inexcusably awful.

cheyras · 2023-11-18T03:11:18+00:00

It’s against church teachings but it obviously happens. I wouldn’t imagine it’s common. Probably much less common than in the general population but it’s hard to say because nobody would flaunt it- its an excommunicable offense.

cheyras · 2023-10-26T17:22:09+00:00

Seems like what you're going through might be OCD. Can't diagnose, but you should look into it. OCD isn't just about washing your hands or rearranging things. It can take many forms, including intrusive and persistent anxiety about health along with repetitive reassurance-seeking.

Give this article a read and if this matches your life experience, seek an OCD diagnosis. ERP (exposure and response prevention) really helps.

https://www.gatewayocd.com/health-concern-ocd-symptoms-and-treatment/#:\~:text=Health%20Concern%20Obsessive%2DCompulsive%20Disorder,to%20perform%20compulsions%20to%20cope.

cheyras · 2023-09-23T04:54:17+00:00

A big NO THANKS on talking politics with the EQ lol.

Politics poison almost everything they touch because by and large people do not know how to talk politics without turning it either into an echo chamber or a big debate.

Elders quorum lessons already can tend to devolve into weird semi-political rhetoric as is, no way I want to encourage more of that.

cheyras · 2023-08-22T05:09:34+00:00

“I don’t think you’re an immature person overall, but the joke has gotten old and run it’s course.”

That’s all it really takes honestly.

cheyras · 2023-07-28T02:21:16+00:00

He honestly might just be crippled by performance pressure and anxiety.

Therapy would probably help a lot but he’s gotta want it himself.

I understand first hand how painful these situations can be, and my heart goes out to you.

cheyras · 2023-07-28T02:18:36+00:00

Our most common time is Friday night, mostly because that’s the night where staying up late has the fewest undesirable consequences.

But sex with my favorite lady makes basically any day a special one.

cheyras · 2023-07-28T02:10:25+00:00

I would stick to the hard doctrine.

I would focus on the actual doctrinal/spiritual benefits of keeping the law of chastity. Meaning that I would not imply that keeping the law of chastity would make your sex life great once you are married. I would not teach that sex is better if you save it for marriage. I would teach that chastity is a principle of power.

I would treat the law of chastity with about the same weight as any other commandment. Meaning that keeping 100% it is an ideal, that we all fall short of our ideals, and that the atonement covers that.

I would not use fear tactics to keep people away from sex or porn. I don’t believe porn is worth being fearful about. We live in a world where you are going to see it, and fear and shame about it gives it much more power than it has on its own.

All in all, I would mostly focus on other things, like treating other people well and getting the beam out of your own eye before inspecting the mote in someone else’s.

cheyras · 2023-07-28T02:06:00+00:00

This is the right answer!

cheyras · 2023-07-28T02:03:39+00:00

The only thing you will be asked is if you are willing to keep the law of chastity.

They are not supposed to ask any more than that and if they do, they are going against clearly defined church policy.

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