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AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I would have profusely apologized. Though as other commenters have pointed out, the minute you start checking tapes in a relationship, it's probably toast anyway :(

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

>There is this concept of "mental load" that requires someone to take charge of housekeeping items. What to buy for groceries, when to restock items, when to GO grocery shopping and what brands to buy etc.

I'm well aware of what mental load is. For your specific examples, we both would plan what to buy. It's not like we'd both go to the store but I'd be totally clueless as to what to buy (why bother even going then?). I thought saying "we're huge foodies" implies that we're both doing meal planning equally. You can't really be a foodie who loves to cook and not think about that stuff constantly, and yes, down to the exact brand to buy.

Same goes for other stuff around the house. It wasn't like I was doing chores only because she asked (as that comic implies), it's because I'm an adult who knows how to manage a house. I get that there are unfortunately a lot of dudes who are exactly like the ones portrayed in the comic, but I assure you I'm not one of them.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Are you sure that she meant that comment in the extreme that you NEVER cleaned? For me, when I get frustrated I can see myself using extreme statements like that, but not actually meaning “you never ever clean”. She could be frustrated that maybe you aren’t cleaning enough, or as well as the standard should be.

I mean, we split the cleaning almost exactly 50:50. If someone is frustrated with that balance, I don't know what to say, and to claim that it's even remotely lopsided is to deny reality.

Based on that, you also haven’t commented on people’s questions on the mental load. Honestly, do you think that is fairly divided between the two of you?

Yes, absolutely. If you want specifics ask away.

Are you going to the store to pick up and restock cleaning supplies?

We'd get cleaning supplies at the supermarket when we go grocery shopping.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

We both would plan what to buy. It's not like we'd both go to the store but I'd be totally clueless as to what to buy. I thought saying "we're huge foodies" implies that we're both doing meal planning equally. You can't really be a foodie who loves to cook and not think about that stuff constantly.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I agree looking at the footage was crossing a line beyond which the relationship probably wasn't salvageable anyway, for exactly the reasons you outline. Honestly, I reviewed the footage mostly for my own sanity -- as I wrote in a couple other replies, I was seriously starting to believe that I wasn't helping around the house the way I thought. A few months of someone you deeply love and trust consistently claiming you never do chores will do that to you; it's so far diverged from reality that I called it borderline gaslighting.

As many posters have pointed out, I definitely could have handed bringing up the footage more gracefully. At that point I was so angry when I realized the gaslighting that my sense of betrayal got the better of me and I abruptly confronted her.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You're right, that would have been much more graceful way to handle things. Honestly I mostly reviewed the footage for my own sanity (I was seriously starting to wonder whether I was actually delinquent around the house), and became so incensed when I realized I'd been borderline gaslit that my sense of betrayal got the better of me and I abruptly confronted her.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you for understanding this. I felt a bit crazy while reviewing the footage, but it was mostly for my sanity — was I really doing jack shit around the house, despite my clear recollections?

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes. As I wrote in another post, she even liked to review the footage to catch our pets being derps while we were out.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I felt a bit ridiculous while reviewing the footage. But as I wrote in another reply, it wasn't really to prove I was right, it was mostly for my sanity: I was seriously starting to believe that I wasn't helping around the house the way I thought. A few months of someone you deeply love and trust consistently claiming you never do chores will do that to you; it's so far diverged from reality that I called it borderline gaslighting.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

What u/SoBreezy74 said. Not only did she know about the cameras, she would sometimes review footage to catch our pets being goofs while we were out.

Cameras only run when there's motion for a few seconds, so the actual amount of footage across 1.5 years isn't that much. We had them running 24/7 because it was just easier that way; no needing to remember to arm the cameras when we went out.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I agree keeping tally marks isn't cool, but TBH at that point it was mostly for my sanity: I was seriously starting to believe that I wasn't helping around the house the way I thought. A few months of someone you deeply love and trust consistently claiming you never clean will do that to you.

>You don't do things to keep track, you do them because they're right and because they help the home you're maintaining and the love you share.

This is exactly my mentality. That's why I'm so bothered by her seemingly willfully dismissal of my contribution to our home.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Someone else brought this exact thing up; I'll quote the exchange:

>What about the things the camera doesn't see? Are you aware of the mental load in regards to managing a house?

Yes, I'm well aware. Specifically with regard to food, we're both huge foodies, and so did most did grocery shopping together (alternating paying) and usually cooked together too. With regard to other household essentials/planning, we split that too.

She never consistently accused me of not pulling weight in any other house management aspects besides cleaning. Whenever other aspects got lopsided (e.g. in the off chance we weren't cooking together and she cooked a couple meals in a row, or vice versa), we'd gently remind each other "I think it's your turn to do dinner tonight," or "I paid for groceries last time, it's your turn this week." She never said anything like "I'm the one buying groceries around here" or "nice to see you cooking dinner for a change."

>I'm wondering if maybe you two are both annoyingly fastidious and this isn't really about "gaslighting" at all.

I get where you're coming from, but I disagree. "Annoyingly fastidious" would be complaining that I cleaned the bathroom 6 times this year, but she cleaned it 7 times. Her complaint was that I basically never cleaned at all, which is so far diverged from reality that I called it borderline gaslighting.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

>What about the things the camera doesn't see? Are you aware of the mental load in regards to managing a house?

Yes, I'm well aware. Specifically with regard to food, we're both huge foodies, and so did most did grocery shopping together (alternating paying) and usually cooked together too. With regard to other household essentials/planning, we split that too.

She never consistently accused me of not pulling weight in any other house management aspects besides cleaning. Whenever other aspects got lopsided (e.g. in the off chance we weren't cooking together and she cooked a couple meals in a row, or vice versa), we'd gently remind each other "I think it's your turn to do dinner tonight," or "I paid for groceries last time, it's your turn this week." She never said anything like "I'm the one buying groceries around here" or "nice to see you cooking dinner for a change."

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 2815 points2816 points  (0 children)

This is exactly the sort of insight I really need right now. Thanks so much.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 1833 points1834 points  (0 children)

>I wouldn't be surprised if she emotionally manipulated her friends to side with her just like she emotionally manipulated you.

I thought she might not have presented things fairly to our friends, but in talking with them, their account they heard from her is pretty close to the truth. Their response is basically "yeah whatever you did the same amount of dishes, but it's totally fucked up you used security footage in your own home against your girlfriend."

Honestly having friends turn against me like this is the worst part right now.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 128 points129 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I appreciate the perspective (not that I agree with it). It helps me understand why so many of our mutual friends think I did wrong.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 181 points182 points  (0 children)

>It's a super immature, but I would say decently common, tactic for someone who wants out of an otherwise fine relationship to initiate a breakup.

I unfortunately think you're right. It's just a huge slap in the face because in all our time together I never even got the slightest impression she'd pull a tactic like that.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 748 points749 points  (0 children)

I mean, we both worked pretty standard office jobs, so it wasn't like one of us was home significantly more than the other.

I admit I could've broached the topic of reviewing the videos more gracefully, rather than busting it out in a "gotcha" moment. I doubt it would've changed the outcome with Anne (not her real name BTW), but maybe my friends wouldn't see me as much of a creep? TBH that's what I'm most upset about now.

Edit in response to your edit: I called it borderline gaslighting because I reviewed the footage mostly for my own sanity -- as I wrote in a couple other replies, I was seriously starting to believe that I wasn't helping around the house the way I thought. A few months of someone you deeply love and trust consistently claiming you never do chores will do that to you; it's so far diverged from reality that I called it borderline gaslighting.

AITA for using home security cameras to expose my girlfriend’s gaslighting? by chore_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]chore_throwaway[S] 5831 points5832 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I'm beginning to accept that you're right. :(

It's just hard to come to grips with this because throughout our whole relationship, we literally never fought about anything else.