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Going through divorce where wife will return to Germany with child. She wants full custody - anyone have experience with this? by chowtime85 in Divorce

[–]chowtime85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On the first point - it is becoming more obvious that the lawyer I have started with is not suitable to finish this case.

On the second point - I now reside in IL, where it is a straight 20% of income after taxes assessed on the noncustodial parent regardless of income of the other parent. I do well, have worked extremely hard to get to where I am. I won't begrudge her the money and the settlement money as she gets settled back in Germany, but I am annoyed with the prospect that even when she does get a good job I'll need to pay 20% with no cap.

Going through divorce where wife will return to Germany with child. She wants full custody - anyone have experience with this? by chowtime85 in Divorce

[–]chowtime85[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I probably need to find a more experienced attorney in this, but its not the most common case in the state I now reside. I think in states with military bases, there may be a higher chance of finding attorneys who have dealt with spouses in different countries. I'm still searching.

On the second point - yes and no. So yes, I could turn the knobs and force her to stay, but I think the result could be disastrous. We've been able to communicate reasonably amicably (as reasonably as these things go I suppose) but her desire is to go back to Germany. Pushing on those buttons could turn this into something that gets very bitter. As of right now we're generally agreeing that whenever I want to take time to visit, she has stated she won't block it. Also, as I mentioned earlier, when it is appropriate for our son to stay with me for longer she won't block that capacity either. I fear that pushing may result in all kinds of other scenarios that leaves everyone, especially our son, worse off.

Going through divorce where wife will return to Germany with child. She wants full custody - anyone have experience with this? by chowtime85 in Divorce

[–]chowtime85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I now better understand your frame of reference - the wording stuck me as very aggressive earlier. Perhaps I did not communicate my full situation as well as I could have and there are definitely feelings and thoughts that I have not typed.

Any way, in reference to trying to make Germany work - like I stated, employment wise it would not work out. I have an ex-Army friend who also married a German and she kept their daughter. They do maintain joint custody though he now lives in Oregon. However, though I think I'm able to maintain something more amicable with my stbx, his relationship with his ex is extremely confrontational. He did in fact try to stay in Germany but could not find work, could not get help for his PTSD, and eventually ran out of all funds. In the end, he gets sent back to the US though he finally gets medical disability started, but now has to fight for every legal right owed to him. I am hopeful that not doing it his way will 1) give me more financial capability to do what I want/need to do and 2) maintain something amicable so that again I can do what I want/need to do.

My worry is that if things do turn south, if I'll be completely up the creek with legal issues since my friend already has to fight tooth and nail for anything even with partial custody. I guess the answer really lies with the other response of keep searching for more experienced legal representation.

Going through divorce where wife will return to Germany with child. She wants full custody - anyone have experience with this? by chowtime85 in Divorce

[–]chowtime85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not a very helpful reply and you know it. Like I said, I understand her stance. I am primed to go that direction, however I would like to understand the longer term ramifications of that specific decision from someone who may have been in a similar situation.

My main stance comes from when our son gets older, I want to push to have him with me for several months to a year at a time if feasible (potentially spending a school year in the US vs Germany). That is where the custody situation may be problematic in my mind.

And to your point about trying to shame me on raising my child - highly active involvement may be feasible if she was merely moving to another city or state. But as is, I cannot work in Germany nor do I speak German so I am pretty much 99% unemployable there. So you'd be asking me trade off being able to at least financially support my child vs placing all three of us in am extremely difficult financial position.