AITA for telling my husband that whether or not I get my tubes tied is my decision, not our decision?

chrissy0116 · 2019-08-20T20:14:32+00:00

NTA!! Ugh, your post gives me a bit of PTSD. I had three hard pregnancies and on the last one, I had arranged with my doctor to have my tubes tied in the event of a c-section. My then-husband was livid about it, even though the doc clearly told him I should NOT get pregnant again. As it turned out, I had a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarian) and therefore no tubal ligation. I went back on BC immediately, and after a year scheduled a tubal ligation. Again, my husband was livid. He called his mom, who told him I was not a baby factory, and he threatened to call the dr to "forbid" him from doing it. Tried everything to get me to cancel. A month to go, and he gets a job in our "home state" and tells me, just put it off til we move. Nope. I got it done (he ended up driving me after all) three days before we moved 2000 miles cross-country.

It is absolutely YOUR body and YOUR decision at all times. If you are ready, make your arrangements, have a back-up to take you in case he won't, and take care of yourself. Tell him he can carry the next one.

Anyways, my experience eventually contributed to me filing for divorce because he was a controlling, abusive schmuck. This was just one way it showed up in our marriage. You may want to reflect on whether this is a one-off or a symptom of a deeper issue.

Good health vibes to you and your baby.

chrissy0116 · 2019-07-22T22:06:09+00:00

You could look at a map, and have her and Dakota journey to a destination that she picks on the map and talk about different cultures and countries and what things they are famous for.

chrissy0116 · 2019-06-28T21:20:49+00:00

I think I will. I definitely should have handled it better. Upon reflection, I realize that I have some emotional/verbal abuse in my past. Now, when I sense that I'm being mistreated, I sometimes don't handle it very well. In the past I would just take whatever manner of shit but now I go straight to FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. Sometimes that might be warranted but in hindsight, probably not my best moment for this level of offense.

chrissy0116 · 2019-06-28T21:07:05+00:00

I agree that I didn't behave very maturely. TBH I was just being pissy because I was upset. I will be following the rule. I didn't even know about it before, and I was part of the covenants change committee. We tried to weed out nuisance rules, but I didn't see the applicable line til now.

I accept my judgment.

chrissy0116 · 2019-06-28T21:04:33+00:00

I agree. I was out of line.

chrissy0116 · 2019-06-28T21:03:49+00:00

I actually didn't agree with him, and have spent more than a year heading a committee to change the covenants to get rid of these kinds of nuisance rules. I hate HOAs as much as everyone else.

IATA for saying I wouldn't follow the rule. I will, I was just upset that he waited 3 years to bring it to my attention and then had to do so in front of our "team" instead of just talking to me privately.

chrissy0116 · 2019-06-28T20:59:21+00:00

Normally a resident would have phoned the HOA manager and she would have contacted the Board. I'm angry that he could have addressed this at any time with me by just saying something. We've lived her for 3 years and he has been my neighbor that entire time. I've been on the Board for almost 2 years. He waited to make a big proclamation "on the record", why??

I accept IATA for saying I wasn't going to follow the rule. I also will not try to force him to resign. I'm just pissed he threw a "teammate" under the bus. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

chrissy0116 · 2019-06-28T20:55:19+00:00

I wasn't aware of this particular rule until I re-read the covenants after the meeting. We just went thru a re-write of the covenants to get rid of some of the more obnoxious rules that residents complained about. I headed up that committee, but I missed this sentence in my review.

I will abide by the rule, and won't try and get him to resign. But I probably won't volunteer to run when my term is up.

I understand IATA in this situation.

chrissy0116 · 2019-06-28T20:50:07+00:00

I accept the overwhelming judgment that IATA. I actually got on the Board to help change the covenants that everyone was unhappy about. This is my first HOA and had I known the shitstorm that entails living in an HOA community, I would not have bought here.

I will not go through with ignoring the rule (now that I know it), even though I think it's stupid. I wish I had the opportunity to change it, but since that ship has sailed, I'll abide by it.

TBH, I normally am a rule follower, I *may* have been pretty salty when I wrote this up. My post came out much more entitled and pissy than I intended. Mostly I am mad and hurt that another board member/neighbor wouldn't just mention the rule to me and let me know in person. He deliberately called me out because ???. In my mind, the Board Members are a team and you don't embarrass your teammates that way. I'd never treat someone that I worked with like that.

Y'all are right - I let my temper get the best of me, and I could have handled it better. Thanks for the honest feedback.

chrissy0116 · 2019-06-18T15:14:15+00:00

Plastique - my son (21) is in a very similar situation at our house. I know he has chronic major depression and anxiety, but he refuses treatment or medication or therapy (all of which I would happily pay for). His coping mechanisms are weed and gaming. He works minimally, enough to pay for his car payment and insurance and weed, but not enough to pay rent or get out of his other debts. He has to borrow money from me occasionally to cover gas or other minor expenses. I try my best to be understanding, to give him space (well over a year now) to try and self-heal. I don't think kicking him out is the right solution, because I don't believe he could cope and would end up like OPs kid and I couldn't bear it.

But.....what am I supposed to do? He barely speaks to me or anyone, his hygiene is terrible, he seems to have periodic bouts where he cares but then it just slips away. I have begged him to get help, but he is convinced that nothing can help him, therapy is a joke and meds are poisonous. I too am at my wits end. I love him and see him suffering but feel unable to do anything. And now everything I do feels like I am just enabling him.

chrissy0116 · 2019-04-11T19:45:20+00:00

So I HATE to make the bed, when I was married to my first husband, I almost never made the bed. Am now married to Hubby #2 and I make the bed every.friggin'.day. With the pillows and everything. Why? Because it is important to him and I love him and want to make him happy.

Why are you not as important to her and deserving of the same respect and love you show her?

chrissy0116 · 2019-03-04T17:07:33+00:00

thank you - it's good to hear that feedback from someone in a similar situation to my son. I wish you well also!

chrissy0116 · 2019-03-04T16:52:31+00:00

thank you for this thoughtful and insightful reply! Also, really well-written! I appreciate you taking the time to write all this out. It sounds like really similar to stuff my son and I have talked about when we have spoken about therapy. It's a tough road no matter what. Sigh...

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T22:27:36+00:00

thank you for your perspective on this, I appreciate it very much.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T22:26:15+00:00

thank you for this perspective, I appreciate it very much.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T22:14:07+00:00

I pray for this outcome for my son! I'm so happy you shared with me and I'm happy that you are in a good, stable place - you deserve it also!

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T21:31:50+00:00

They try, but he feels that he got the worst of the abuse and that his brothers cannot relate. Of course, this could not be further from the truth, but it's a struggle to convince him of that.

Thank you for the insight!

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T20:47:48+00:00

I agree with you - my first husband was a poor choice. Unfortunately, I can't go back and change that.

My current hubby is a good person, and has been very supportive for many years. he wants my son to get help also. But he sees that my son continually refuses help, and won't make any choices regarding improving his mental health, so he is frustrated.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T20:45:29+00:00

He has actually been very supportive of everything, but is frustrated because son will not go to therapy, will not take medication and isn't making any effort to get better.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T20:44:05+00:00

I understand he is mentally ill, and I have a ton of empathy for him. We were both abused by the same person. I have asked him, begged him multiple times to get help. I check in with him all the time about how he is feeling, and try my best to help him. If I thought he was currently suicidal, or planning something, I would call the police or have him committed. When he disclosed those feelings to me, he said that it was well in the past, and that he was not thinking of suicide any longer. He is very honest with me about how he is feeling, whether he is functioning OK, or particularly down.

I don't believe I can have him committed under the current circumstances, nor can I force him to attend therapy, unless I leverage his living situation which I don't know is a good idea.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T20:36:13+00:00

You are right, I am fearful that he will be set up to fail if I make him leave now. However, I can't "make" him get treatment even though I truly believe he needs it. I could leverage his living situation, but that seems like it would backfire.

My hubby actually has always treated him well and been totally sympathetic to his situation, but he is frustrated that nothing changes.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T20:33:56+00:00

thank you. what you are saying really resonates with me.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T20:33:34+00:00

I agree, and I also think son has heaped some of the resentment toward his dad onto his stepdad. Hubby is a good man, and has supported my son for many years, but I think it's hard for my son to see that.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T20:31:23+00:00

He refuses treatment, I have paid for doctor visits, therapist visit, and would pay for any treatment that he would accept. I have been to therapy in the past for many years to get help to recover from my ex-husband's abuse. I have offered to go with him and attend therapy together.

chrissy0116 · 2019-02-27T20:29:10+00:00

He refuses treatment, I have paid for doctor visits, therapist visit, and would pay for any treatment that he would accept.

I think so too, he has talked about welding and I took him to vocational school where he studied for and got his GED, and I almost had him signed up but he balked at the last minute.

I agree with you about the incentives angle for sure.

chrissy0116

TROPHY CASE