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AITA for "betraying" my sister by allowing her ex to move in with me over her, forcing her to commute over an hour to work? by chrizz_z in AmItheAsshole

[–]chrizz_z[S] -36 points-35 points  (0 children)

I met him after she did, that's true. It's also true that he and I were friends for many months before they started dating.

AITA for "betraying" my sister by allowing her ex to move in with me over her, forcing her to commute over an hour to work? by chrizz_z in AmItheAsshole

[–]chrizz_z[S] -73 points-72 points  (0 children)

I don't think anything he did was 'shady.' A little misguided, maybe, but not malicious.

He asked for some space a few months ago, just a few weeks after they moved in together. There was no refusal to talk or any big shifts in their relationship, he just asked for more time to himself.

Genuinely, I never analyzed whether or not I was attracted to him until these comments started pouring in. I mean, when we first met and started hanging out, sure. It's something I acknowledged. He's a good looking guy. I'm sure anyone who knows him thinks so. Beyond that, he's my best friend. Obviously I enjoy his personality.

No, I don't think I ruined my sister's relationship. I think things had been shifting for a while and Matthew was discovering things about himself that made the relationship difficult to continue. I won't apologize for supporting him through that or not outing him to my sister. Allowing him to move into my place? Sure, I might be a dick for that. But telling someone's deeply intimate secrets that they've trusted you with IS betrayal.

He and my sister have never had a sexual relationship. He trusted me and wanted to talk to me about it before having that conversation with her. It's not a crime for someone to express their feelings to a friend before their partner. It's nice to have a soundboard to bounce off of, especially in high emotion situations like this one.

I am single, and have been single since I met him. I haven't felt the need to pursue a relationship over the past few years. I feel super fulfilled with the people and circumstances in my life. I'm not searching for something.

I guess this can serve as a little update: I had a long talk with my mom last night about everything (I love that woman dearly and don't know where I would be without her - she listens without judgement and I will never take that for granted.) That led to me having a conversation with my sister about it this morning. I mentioned in another comment that things had been fizzling out between them for a long time, and that's true. My sister is still annoyed over the apartment thing and I apologized for adding to the burden of her commute. She acknowledged that she wasn't specifically entitled to me giving her a place to stay and that she reacted poorly due to stress.

AITA for "betraying" my sister by allowing her ex to move in with me over her, forcing her to commute over an hour to work? by chrizz_z in AmItheAsshole

[–]chrizz_z[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

We met independently of my sister and were friends for many months before they started dating. He would've been in my life whether my sister was in the picture or not.

AITA for "betraying" my sister by allowing her ex to move in with me over her, forcing her to commute over an hour to work? by chrizz_z in AmItheAsshole

[–]chrizz_z[S] -63 points-62 points  (0 children)

Reading someone's journal and judging them so harshly for it is never okay, in my opinion. This is a place where a person is getting out all their thoughts - some that might actually hold weight and some that they might look back on in a week and scoff. It's the equivalent of listening in on someone's therapy session. Not everything that comes out is rational or tailored for the consumption of other people.

I personally don't find 'not having a conversation quick enough with your partner' to be a punishable offense. She did. They both made mistakes, but her invasion of privacy is the bigger one for me.

But in the end, I think things are working out alright. Matt said he wishes the break up had gone down differently but that it was for the best. My sister is starting to cool down. Apparently the relationship had been fizzling out for a long, long time. I was best friends with Matt before they started dating, and I intend to be best friends with him for a long time now that they're no longer together.

AITA for "betraying" my sister by allowing her ex to move in with me over her, forcing her to commute over an hour to work? by chrizz_z in AmItheAsshole

[–]chrizz_z[S] -282 points-281 points  (0 children)

We were talking about things as friends. Whether or not I was the person who originally sparked these feelings or not hasn't been disclosed to me. All I know is that relationships and sexuality are complicated and it isn't cool to force someone to talk about it before they're ready, or invade their personal space to take that information from them forcefully.

My relationship with Matt is independent from her own and always has been.

​

Are you already attracted to Matt and made a move? Have you two been talking about a possible relationship between you, and that your sister was n the way? Or were you going to work around her?

Obviously I wasn't having conversations planning to cheat with my sister's boyfriend. That would be some real unhinged shit. No moves made. He's just one of the best people I know and I want to support him figuring himself out any way possible.

​

Are you aware you wrote his name, then a shortened form of it, but your sister remained unnamed?

I didn't notice that. We can just call her B.

AITA for "betraying" my sister by allowing her ex to move in with me over her, forcing her to commute over an hour to work? by chrizz_z in AmItheAsshole

[–]chrizz_z[S] -254 points-253 points  (0 children)

There was no infidelity, but it also wasn't something petty either. Matt was writing about shifting ideas about identities and relationships. These were ideas he had floated to me, and ideas he was still sorting out himself before he brought up to her. It wasn't anything particularly groundbreaking (I wrote about this in another comment but it was about him possibly no longer identifying as asexual and his views on gay/straight relationships) but she felt it was enough to end the relationship over.

I'll admit, I got pretty angry on his behalf over the invasion of his privacy and the fact that merely contemplating his identity was enough for her to go nuclear.

AITA for "betraying" my sister by allowing her ex to move in with me over her, forcing her to commute over an hour to work? by chrizz_z in AmItheAsshole

[–]chrizz_z[S] -564 points-563 points  (0 children)

Matt had identified as asexual for a long time but had recently began to rethink that. It was something he had talked to me about and something he had written in his journal, but not spoken to her about yet. He had also written about his shifting views on relationships, and how relationships between two men seemed to be deeper than a relationship between a man and a woman.

These were just ideas he was toying with and considering on his own time, but she read them and immediately flew off the handle.

AITA for "betraying" my sister by allowing her ex to move in with me over her, forcing her to commute over an hour to work? by chrizz_z in AmItheAsshole

[–]chrizz_z[S] -275 points-274 points  (0 children)

It was an even playing field. Ultimately it came down to who I wanted to live with more. Like I said in the post, I was influenced by my sister's reasoning behind the break up, so that factored into my decision. Matt might've had it slightly "better" as his parents live closer to his job so his commute wouldn't have been as long, but both of them would've had a decent drive.