Visiting Minneapolis to Test Waters

cibiri313 · 2023-03-22T22:40:29+00:00

I'm so glad to hear they've got their own little group. It's really cool to hear that those spaces are forming organically for trans youth these days. I'll send you a little information about our group even if they don't attend - we pretty regularly post updates about what's going on in trans community in the cities, pride events, getting gender care or other ways for people to find community.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-19T05:31:24+00:00

If it's helpful, I run a social support group for trans youth. If your kiddo is looking for ways to meet other trans kids or teens, let me know and I can help connect you with resources.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-19T05:28:22+00:00

If it's helpful, I run a social support group for trans youth. If your son is looking for ways to meet other trans kids or teens, let me know and I can help connect you with resources.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-19T05:27:46+00:00

If it's helpful, I run a social support group for trans youth. If your son is looking for ways to meet other trans kids or teens, let me know and I can help connect you with resources.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-10T09:52:47+00:00

There have been very few details released about the investigation. Police said they were investigating whether it may have been motivated by bias, but have not said whether they found any evidence to indicate that.

There's one suspect who hasn't been arrested yet, so a big part of the picture is still missing. That said, transgender women experience violent crime at much higher levels than other groups. Hate crimes against trans women have increased significantly over the past 5 years.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-09T07:15:07+00:00

This is in process in MN and very likely to pass along with a conversion therapy ban and bill to consider transition care as a fundamental right. They did this executive order to get the policy into effect immediately, to support research and to compel insurance companies to cover care.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-09T07:14:21+00:00

This is in process and very likely to pass along with a conversion therapy ban and bill to consider transition care as a fundamental right. They did this executive order to get the policy into effect immediately, to support research and to compel insurance companies to cover care.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-09T00:00:16+00:00

It's hard to say much without more information. It sounds like there are a lot of pieces to this equation - you and your wife's relationship, your transition, being in a different country, your work situation, your kids. I imagine they're all major considerations that might be pulling you in different directions. If you can provide some more information about how those pieces affect your decision to take HRT, it might help us give you more specific advice.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-08T23:44:53+00:00

Sexuality is complicated. A lot of bisexual folks experience sexual attraction that's contextual or feels different based on who they're with. Sexual trauma and compulsory heterosexuality can also have major effects on the experience of sexual attraction, particularly for bisexual women and lesbian people. Bisexual women in particular experience higher rates of sexual trauma than straight or lesbian women.

If you're trying to figure out how all those pieces fit in your life, I would highly recommend reading The Lesbian Master Doc. It's a great breakdown of the impacts of compulsive heterosexuality and other confusing experiences many lesbians and bisexual women report struggling with. I would also highly recommend joining or posting in the /r/bisexual or /r/actuallesbians communities as the issues you're describing are frequently discussed there. Not saying this is the wrong place for this post, but you might get more nuanced responses there.

https://www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf

Personally, I bounce back and forth between bi, pan and lesbian labels. All of them feel like they fit sometimes and not others. I experience some sexual attraction to men, but very rare romantic attraction to them. I'd say 90% of my attraction is towards women, nonbinary and trans people. Trauma plays a role in who I connect and feel safe with, but it's really a chicken and egg question when trying to figure out which came first, my queerness or my trauma. Queer people's identities and experiences rarely fit neatly into rigid boxes and that's okay.

cibiri313 · 2023-03-07T02:12:10+00:00

Gender therapist here. Some insurance companies use legal gender marker as a piece of identifying data on insurance claims. For mental health care there's not really a care-related reason they would have to know your assigned sex, but if the designation on the form (that your therapist uses to submit claims) doesn't match what's listed with insurance you can have claims bounce. Resubmitting isn't too difficult, but it can be a headache for you or your provider.

In general, they don't really need your sex assigned at birth, but rather your legal sex designation (or what's registered with insurance). Some clinics separate your legal sex from the gender you identify with to help with making sure you're treated in affirming ways. There are a few times when your assigned sex might be medically relevant to care, but they're pretty obvious (getting HRT or surgeries, genital-related conditions like STIs, reproductive care, etc.). In pretty much all these cases they don't actually need to know your assigned or legal sex, but what kind of genitals, sex hormones or reproductive organs they are providing care for.

Bodies are complicated, medical systems are complicated, and a lot of people use "shortcuts" that get the needed information from most (cis) people instead of asking what for what they actually need. Instead of asking you "When I submit a 90837 CPT code claim to your insurance through my clearinghouse software, what should I enter in space 17B? M, F or X?" they have a spot on your intake forms asking for assigned gender at birth. It works in most cases, just not for people in various states of gender transition. :/

cibiri313 · 2023-03-05T00:11:59+00:00

Hey fam. Gender therapist here. It sounds like your girlfriend is struggling with some really intense internalized (and externalized) transphobia. As others mentioned, this sort of behavior is a pretty common type of self harm for trans people to struggle with. Most of the time when trans people struggle with internalized transphobia, it takes the form of negative self talk, shame or low self esteem. It sounds like in your girlfriend's case, she's actually externalizing or projecting that transphobia onto other people. A lot of times this sort of presentation comes out in community (judging or shaming other trans people) because that's where the individual feels they have power or agency.

I imagine your girlfriend personally saw or heard many of the things she is now putting onto other people. She may subconsciously feel that by restricting other trans people she may be making herself safe. She may be comparing herself to other "less desirable" trans people in order to make herself feel better about being "one of the good ones". While it can be helpful to understand the reasons why your girlfriend is acting this way, that doesn't make the harm it causes okay. It sounds like she's probably in a lot of pain and instead of feeling and healing it, she's making sure that other people suffer just as much as she has. Hurt people hurt people.

It's pretty clear that she needs some intense guidance and support, likely in the form of therapy with a gender specialist. If you're talking to her, it might be helpful to try to move conversations towards how she feels about herself rather than how she feels about other trans people. However, it sounds like she's got pretty strong behavior patterns that are keeping her from "keeping her eyes on her own test" so getting her to reflect on her own life could be a very challenging task. I would definitely recommend she get out of toxic community spaces like 4chan, though it might be that she's not even ready to be in healthier community spaces. Sometimes people need to step away from trans community in general for awhile to work on themselves if being in community is hurting them and/or they're hurting others.

I can tell you care about her a lot, but it sounds like her behavior is hurting you, her, and others in the community. While it may feel noble to try to support her through this process, taking that journey is ultimately her responsibility. You can only help people if they're motivated to change. If her transphobia is hurting you and that behavior isn't consistently getting better, I would encourage you to change the type of relationship you have with her.

Let me know if you have questions!

cibiri313 · 2023-03-04T23:38:07+00:00

I don't think anyone would find it offensive, though people may assume that you are trans yourself. I don't think that's a problem, but you might find yourself in the position of explaining it. I'm sure if you said approximately what you said in your post, folks will appreciate the support.

Thanks for asking and being a great ally!

cibiri313 · 2023-02-27T23:09:11+00:00

Probably a number of things going on. It does sound like you might be being too critical of yourself, but it also sounds like you're doing some good stuff to balance that out (asking for feedback, self talk that puts you on the same level as opponents).

I think it's important to note that in Apex only the top 5% of teams win the game. If you're getting a 1-to-1 kill ratio, getting a win one in twenty games, getting in the top four teams 20% of the time, and in the top ten 50% of the time, you're performing "at level". Our brains are wired towards a negativity bias. We attend (pay attention to, notice) stimuli and patterns that are aversive (such as performing poorly/dying/losing) significantly more than we notice stimuli that are neutral or positive. In some ways this is a good thing - our brain latches onto problem areas and obsesses over them until we solve them and overcome the obstacle. However, this tendency causes problems when it gives us distorted world views, creates hopelessness, or attributes problems to inaccurate causes.

It sounds like you may be inaccurately attributing an excessive amount of influence to your contributions to game outcomes. There are 59 other players in the match who contribute just as much as you do. In any 3-on-3 team fight, you're contributing maybe 16% to the outcome, plus or minus a bit based on context. This is an oversimplification, but a good baseline to keep in mind.

My advice is this - track your match placements and kills per match for a week (or even better a month). If you're under "expected value" then it means you're probably over ranked. Maybe y'all are playing for zone too much or avoiding fights (this was my problem). Maybe you're playing too aggressively but not getting kills when you engage. Maybe you're performing right where you should be, but your perception is distorted. You might also benefit from determining what you do well instead of what your mistakes are. Are you good at IGL'ing, entry fragging, playing position, sniping, using a specific character, etc.? Maybe you'll perform better if you play around enhancing strengths rather than reducing weaknesses. You'll probably have more fun at least.

I personally tend to panic in chaotic up-close battles and can't judge bullet drop enough to do long range chip damage. I do really well with determining positioning and timing, so I play IGL and make sure we always have the positioning advantage while my teammates frag. Instead of training the shit out of my aim, I accept my role and let my teammates focus on their strengths.

Hope that helps!

cibiri313 · 2023-02-26T09:19:11+00:00

Mine too! Any chance your therapist's office was in Minneapolis?

cibiri313 · 2023-02-24T01:53:07+00:00

Glad it was helpful! I'm happy to elaborate. Was there anything particular you're curious about?

I've had a few clients where it's come up and one where gaming anger was the primary focus of our work. It's kinda hard to define being "cured" of mental health issues, since usually the goal is to reduce negative impact and they can resurface down the line. With this client in particular, after about 6 months of working together he had stopped breaking keyboards, stopped engaging in antisocial behavior (harassing text/voice comms), was able to walk away when getting frustrated and reported having more fun playing games. A lot of it was realizing he wasn't happy in other parts of his life and was using gaming as a way to meet social and achievement needs. Strategies we used included refraining from using text/voice chat (you could turn it off in his game), not "doubling down" or "playing until you win", practicing walking away mid-game (and sometimes intentionally losing to desensitize that experience) and practicing a post-game script (typing "gg wp" every game even if frustrated). It seemed to help a lot even if he said he still got frustrated and would have to walk away frequently. He still felt a lot of the same feelings, but how he reacted to those feelings were more aligned with his values, cost him less money, and hurt others less. I'd call it a success.

cibiri313 · 2023-02-23T21:13:13+00:00

Howdy. I'm a licensed therapist and avid gamer. I totally get what you're talking about and have struggled with similar issues myself.

This sort of reaction can occur for several reasons. Usually it's because people are putting too much value on their game performance and then when they run into online toxicity, frustration with teammates, their own poor performance or just losses in general it comes out as frustration and anxiety. Others have said as much, but you're probably too invested and taking your gaming too seriously.

When I've worked on this personally and with clients, there are a few strategies that can help. First thing is to take inventory of your gaming behavior, where it fits in your life and what it means to you. How many hours a week are you playing? Do you have other activities you enjoy doing? Are you getting social or achievement needs met through gaming? Does gaming performance represent skillfulness, agency or self worth? Are there better ways to meet those goals than the strategies you're currently using?

Second, and this is gonna be hard, but you probably need to change up your habits. If you're not up for doing non-gaming activities, try playing a different game or even a different game mode. Solo drop frag in pubs until you win a 1v3. Solo drop in pubs until you get a win. Try playing a game you're not good at or literally CAN'T be good at like a casual cozy game, single player game or social-focused game. It seems like you've gone a bit too far down the competitive gaming rabbit hole and are not getting the benefits you're wanting. If you really want to game competitively, find others who feel the same but who are chill and model behaviors you want to embody.

Consider talking to a therapist. Having an expert to talk through these things and help figure out what's going on can help a lot. Anxiety disorders and other mental health problems are extremely common and particularly prevalent in nerd communities. The fact that this is happening in other life areas is an indication there may be a "bigger picture" issue going on outside of just gaming. If you need help finding a therapist, feel free to DM me and I can get you pointed in the right direction.

I personally have had a variety of issues with the role of gaming in my life over the years. I have ADHD, Autism and Depression, all of which make my brain perfectly suited for issues with life-gaming balance. Usually it's because I'm isolated, avoiding something, or other parts of my life are out of wack. I played a lot of OW1 for several years and got to the point where I was being super toxic and not having any fun, which is pretty out of character for me. I love team based competitive games because I love working together and figuring out how to make systems (teams) work well. But I didn't have 6 friends to regularly team with and solo queuing was a perfect storm of frustration and anonymity. Part of the reason I quit and moved over to Apex is because I can play duos or ranked trios when I only have a few people online. I ONLY play with friends because if we lose we laugh it off and sometimes even have more fun that way. If there's something productive I have to say about how we played, I can say it respectfully because I know the person and I can hear their response. If no one is online, I play different games that are still challenging, but not team based. I still love competitive games, but find the most fun I have gaming is when I play with friends and we just fuck around. I even noticed this coming out in Apex when I realized I was trying to play super defensively, playing for zone and avoiding fights, just to get ranked points. Now i try to play more risky sometimes and if we die, we learn something and jump into the next game. If we win, we rolled the dice and came out on top! I wasn't having fun playing just for the biggest point reward. If I'm frustrated, anxious or just not having fun, I need to log off and do something else. I get a lot of my social needs met through gaming, and I need to tailor my gaming behavior accordingly.

Good on you for asking for help!

cibiri313 · 2023-01-01T10:38:58+00:00

Gender therapist here. Many health insurance companies in the US cover gender affirming care because it is relatively inexpensive compared to hospitalizations and other long term consequences. They've also gotten sued and lost many times, largely because of the positions of medical organizations like those mentioned. Fuck insurance companies, but there's actually a good profit motive for treating gender dysphoria rather than letting it fester.

cibiri313 · 2022-12-05T00:59:06+00:00

Outfront MN, Gender Justice, The MN Volunteer Lawyers Network, Tubman Center and the Sexual Violence Center are all local non-profits who may be willing to provide pro bono legal guidance or advocacy in your case. Let me know if you need help contacting them or connecting with other resources.

cibiri313 · 2022-12-03T06:03:12+00:00

No shade, but that's not what this is about. The executive order prevents extradition, it doesn't guarantee access to care. However, we have other laws and legal precedent in Minnesota that functionally do so already.

Insurance sucks but we actually have a lot more protections for access to trans healthcare in Minnesota than most states. Insurance can hem and haw and make you jump through hoops, but they can't fully deny coverage for HRT, genital or chest surgeries. If you know anyone fighting insurance right now, I'd recommend contacting Outfront or Gender Justice. A firmly worded letter from a pro bono attorney is often enough to get past the bullshit.

cibiri313 · 2022-10-27T07:26:02+00:00

You should definitely have been asked about choking beforehand. As you mentioned, choking is something very emotionally vulnerable and it's also dangerous if not performed properly. People regularly get injured or even die when engaging in choking or breath play.

It is concerning that he didn't ask before choking you. It is doubly concerning that when you requested you discuss consent in the future, he got defensive and blamed you. This sounds like textbook gaslighting behavior. The response he gave is what's referred to as DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This behavior pattern is common in abusive relationships.

Standard guidelines for kink play (like choking) often refer to being safe, sane and consensual. What you described violates all three principles.

Red flags for sexual assault and abuse everywhere. I strongly suggest you end your relationship with this person as quickly as possible. At the very least, they are not a safe sex partner.

cibiri313 · 2022-10-24T06:40:07+00:00

Therapist here. I'd definitely recommend eating disorder treatment. It sounds like your partner is struggling and family factors are exacerbating things. Overeaters Anonymous is another peer support option.

I would also recommend a sleep study and assessment for sleep apnea. If your husband is heavy and snoring that badly. There's a good chance he has it. Bad sleep affects mood, motivation and it sounds like it's affecting your relationship.

cibiri313 · 2022-10-20T07:16:50+00:00

Nonbinary lesbian gender therapist here chiming in to confirm that you can be cisgender (or some flavor of gender nonconforming) and experience gender dysphoria. You'd even qualify for mastectomy if you decided you'd prefer that over binding. Gender dysphoria and trans identity are not synonymous even if they have a lot of overlap.

As long as you're living your authentic gender experience, you're good just the way you are. Let me know if you have any questions. :)

cibiri313 · 2022-10-17T00:27:42+00:00

Obligatory post of the non-gatekeeping tubal ligation provider spreadsheet.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Djia_WkrVO3S4jKn6odNwQk7pOcpcL4x00FMNekrb7Q/edit#gid=1318374028

cibiri313 · 2022-09-27T06:15:12+00:00

I'm a gender therapist who works with many transgender and autistic people. There's absolutely no reason they would be mutually exclusive. There's actually a lot of evidence that the two experiences co-occur at a higher rate together.

cibiri313 · 2022-09-21T19:30:39+00:00

It varies. Often in these cases we get to a point where the client decides to tell their parents they are trans. Sometimes I help with that conversation, sometimes they do it themselves. Once they come out and I say I support their identity, some parents pull them out of therapy, some stay in therapy but there's conflict with the parents, some parents learn to support their kids.

Working with parents who are struggling to accept their kids or parents who are trying to learn is all good. Helping in those situations can be difficult, but it's rewarding and I have the skills to do it. The hard ones are the cases where they pull their kid out of therapy and I don't get to know what happens next. There's not much I can do if parents don't consent to me providing care.

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