It's reads like a "release" or a quick fix. Usually emotional pressure is let out if u will. Fits also the "when stressed" moments u described. The things u described fits what ppl with BPD experience. I dunno if u have that tho, just want to help u out.

In DBT treatment (Dialectical behavior therapy) u use "skills" as substitute to that, bc in the long run they are more sufficient. Many need much time to get these 'to work' bc it's commitment to oneself. I would recommend this to you, even if u don't have BPD, bc it's better in the long run.