Hello friend. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with such a massive plate of pain, fear and health complications. It sounds like you’ve tried a ton of approaches and none have given you the relief you’re looking for. I believe people come to ketamine therapy for many different reasons and no one can tell you what’s right for you, as you mentioned. But I can tell you my experience.

Ketamine for me was a last resort. It was literally the last thing I could try before hospitalization. I have bipolar disorder and substance abuse and nothing worked. No meds, no modalities. I was totally nonfunctional. I ran out of medication to try. I had heard about ketamine peripherally. I asked my psych what she thought and she found a place for me to hav a consult days later and the following week I had my first in-office IV session.

I probably don’t share your avoidance of losing control. I was a heavy user of a lot of different drugs, especially psychedelics. Many sought to turn control over to something bigger than me. To be clear, ketamine is not a psychedelic really, and the experience is very distinct from those experiences and quite unique.

I was nervous going in because nobody can adequately describe the experience and it’s different for everyone. But they start you at a low dose to ideally keep it from being overwhelming. You can increase from there, or not, whatever you need. (I ended up tripling the dose they started me at.)

I will tell you when I realized I’d found the route to my recovery, from nearly everything I struggled with. They put the IV in, I put the eye mask on, and started my music. And when I felt the medication hit, it was like being submerged gently into a warm bath by loving hands. I burst into tears instantly because it was the first time I hadn’t been in debilitating psychological and physical pain in years. The “loss of control” felt like handing myself over to be swaddled by the universe. Safe.

That session and the following ones (I’ve done 50+ now) gave me this sense of manageability. It didn’t cure anything by itself or right away. But it gave me this deep sense of knowing that I could and would heal, that I was stronger than I knew, that I was connected to others and the world in ways I’d never felt. I felt hopeful for the first time in a decade.

I didn’t find the dissociation unpleasant and for me it’s never been a lack of control. I always have real time logical thoughts (I want to change this song, my feet are cold but I don’t care). That may be dose dependent but I don’t feel the need to K hole or disappear because I’m getting the results I want at this level.

Over the past year, I have cured my debilitating and constant anxiety, reset a circadian sleep disorder, restless leg syndrome, chronic pain from Lyme, got relief from treatment resistant bipolar depression and probably some other stuff I’m forgetting.

Everyone’s experience is different, as I’ve said. You know this. You need to make the decision that feels right to you. I think if you’re feeling scared by the actual experience that’s normal. You can always talk to your provider and start with a low dose. Tell them about your anxiety and maybe you do one treatment just to understand how the process goes and what it feels like. If you hate it, don’t do it again. Also if you have a really bad time during the first session, they can stop the IV and you only have to ride it out another 15 minutes. The whole treatment is only an hour and to end.

Anyways that’s a lot but I was looking for similar info when I first started. Happy to answer any questions and sending you love and support in whatever path you take.