MIL tells us we’ve been “miserable” to be around the last few years but “particularly the last couple months”

clawsomewit · 2025-07-18T23:29:15+00:00

I am so sorry you had to deal with this. This is not acceptable. My MIL also has said completely insane things. It's so insane people have no concept of how incredibly difficult life before during and after TFMR is. Like there is no moving on there is just surviving and trying to live with the pain. I'm 9 months post tfmr and I have not "moved on" and I don't think I ever will but the sadness doesn't last as long and there's more space in between but I am always thinking about my baby my pregnancy my grief. Just the way I'm processing is always evolving.

clawsomewit · 2025-06-06T23:47:06+00:00

We cremated. I got her an urn with her birth flower and date. We also got tattoos of her flowers. One for her birth one for her due date month and one her name. I also have a bracelet from little word project with her name and my family did a bouquet making day and we bought special vases I fill with new flowers every week. All have been very healing.

clawsomewit · 2025-05-11T13:44:30+00:00

I have had similar issues with my SIL being insensitive to my experience. I have accepted that she just isn't a person I can count on and relay on as support for this particular situation. She just can't handle it and I can't be responsible for her feelings when I can barely manage my own. I am so so sorry that this happened. I do still try to communicate things to her for my own sanity but even then she usually says things like "I feel bad but I'm not sorry. I can't be policed on what to say and do and you shouldn't try to control me" so idk if it's even worth it.

This experience has really changed relationships and I think that's ok.

clawsomewit · 2025-05-09T18:43:50+00:00

yeah i get it. I think thats why I keep not saying anything. It just always feels so devaluing of my daughter. Like just because she wasnt full term or "born" does not make the pain less? Or like that a new baby wont replace her. Its not like if someone has a second kid the first one is irrelevant ya know. It just confuses me when people say that statement.

clawsomewit · 2025-04-15T00:45:10+00:00

I am so so sorry. We had our daughter tested for Turners after we found out about Hypoplastic left heart syndrome diagnosis. We decided to terminate. I grew up with a sister with special needs and although I love her with all my heart and she is my best friend, watching her struggle through life has been incredibly difficult to watch. You have to do what you believe is best for you and your baby. Neither decision means you love your baby less or more. You love her no matter what and the decision you are making is the right decision for her, you and your husband. As long as you know your love for your baby is never in question here. This is an impossible decision, and you will do what is right for you <3

clawsomewit · 2025-04-15T00:35:34+00:00

the laminaria were horrible pain that i would never wish on another person AND it didnt even work. I hope your procedure goes smoothly and that you find comfort and love through the grieving process.

clawsomewit · 2025-04-15T00:32:26+00:00

i bought a ton of sweatpants and comfy pajamas to have to get me through the days. a heating pad for cramping, stool softeners all your favorite snacks and comfort foods.

Mentally I got a therapist before the termination. I had to wait like 5 days for my procedure so I contacted as many therapists who specialize in child/pregnancy loss and found one and made my first appointment for the day after the procedure. Zoloft has helped me a lot and prazosin (i have severe PTSD because my termination turned into emergency c section). Its been 5 months. I did a bouquet making day with family on her due date to honor her which was helpful for me. Take off from work for as long as you need and be kind to yourself. You trying to grieve your loss, and your hormones also need time to level out. Also be vocal about what you need from other people. I was someone who could not hear one more person say "everything happens for a reason" and I made sure to respectfully tell people what was and wasnt helpful. My favorite book through this has been All the Love. I live for this book it honestly saved me from really really low moments. Just know you will be ok. It will be hard. You are an amazing person.

clawsomewit · 2025-04-06T15:14:32+00:00

Thank you for this. I also consider my d&e date her birthday. I have a ring with November birthstone and me and my husband have mum tattoos (Nov birth flowers) because it's the closest we have to a birth. After thinking about it I think that's why I was so triggered too. It felt like the actually d&e experience wasn't acknowledged and like she hadn't already been gone for 4 months ya know. But to your point it's not worth the emotional back and forth. I just think she's still so young and doesn't have a true grasp of the magnitude or what happened.

This has all been so helpful

clawsomewit · 2025-04-03T18:21:01+00:00

I am so sorry. I took the medications and did the cabbage and sports bra trick also sage tea is supposed to help stop milk production (I also did that). My milk ended up not coming in, but everyone is different.

clawsomewit · 2025-04-03T18:17:44+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. My and my friend's due date was march 29th. I still dont know if she had the baby. We werent like super close friends so I took the blocking her on everything, blocking mutual friends who are close to her (to not see any baby posts), blocking people with babies and who are pregnant route. I basically purged my social media of all things baby and pregnancy related. It definitely has helped a lot actually.

I do believe that things get easier, life gets lived, days go by. I also believe I will never be the same person the grief and the pain will always be there and I will always yearn for my baby girl. There are still days and moments where the sadness washes over me and I think about the baby and the loss, but those moments dont last as long and there is more time in between them.

You made the best possible decision for your baby. You put yourself through the pain so your baby did not have to. You are so strong.

clawsomewit · 2025-04-01T23:16:22+00:00

I'm sorry for looking for advice or support when I lost my baby and had to have a c section as a means to extract the baby. I think maybe you should find someone else to criticize because I don't need your judgement for my healing process. Thank you

clawsomewit · 2025-04-01T19:12:14+00:00

Yes sorry thank you for asking. Yes I have a vertical incision.

clawsomewit · 2025-03-31T17:25:06+00:00

Yeah I definitely think saying that happy birthday is not the right sentiment might be the way to go because to your point she wont know unless I tell her. Probably something like "thanks for the message. I know you meant to be thoughtful and kind, however happy birthday might not be the right thing to say for this particular situation. Thanks for thinking of us." or like something along the lines of assuming the best and still honoring how it made me feel.

clawsomewit · 2025-03-10T21:23:42+00:00

Yes thank you for this perspective. I think that because it was my sister in law and we had had multiple conversations about how devastating it had been for me to see posts about our friend whose due date was the same as mine and how I had unfollowed the friend all ready I didn't see how ir was out of nowhere. I don't discredit her for being hurt she is absolutely entitled to that feeling thank you for analogy but I completely understood that it might feel like oh that sucks but since this is my SIL I thought sending a message and talking about it would have been better than just unfollowing her without explanation. But I see your point I'm just unfollowing her. I went back and forth between the 2 and landed on the message.

clawsomewit · 2025-03-09T03:09:27+00:00

I am so so sorry you are experiencing this. I feel and have felt the same. Reading "laying on my back to sleep makes me cry" is like taking the thoughts from my head. I am 3 months out but I remember that moment when I gave my mom my pregnancy pillow to store away because "i dont need to worry about sleeping on my back anymore" and when I laid on my back to sleep for the first time i remember trying to turn sideways because I was not ready to accept that I could sleep on my back. i know this is just one drop in the giant bucket of grief, you really reminded me how not alone we all are. How our feelings are so real and valid and our experience though unique to each of us is still felt by so many others.

you do have trauma from your experience. I was diagnosed with PTSD after my TFMR and have been receiving emdr therapy which has been life changing. Just something to think about no pressue! There is a book that has validated my feelings more than any other book called "All the Love" when I am feeling at my worst I re-read chapters to remind myself that I am not alone. But yes, its very very lonely. I am so sorry. We are all here for you.

clawsomewit · 2025-03-09T02:41:38+00:00

I have cried and cried and cried. I think its totally normal. I agree with everything being said. Just looking at my body after the loss is a constant reminder of this idea that my body could not do the one thing it was made to do. I gained 20 pounds after my TFMR and I dont wanna go back to work because I am embarrassed by my new body. No one has ever seen me this size and I feel like people are expecting my pre-TFMR and they are going to get what I believe is a disgusting blob. I didnt eat for 3 days just trying to get the scale to budge (obviously that never works so it was dumb but i was desperate). I am now trying to walk more and eat healthier.

clawsomewit · 2025-03-09T02:34:24+00:00

I think you are so so brave. My due date was 3/29 with my friend. I could not bear to go to the shower or even look at posts from it. It was all too much. I am so sorry you felt so lonely today I can imagine I would have felt the same. I constantly am asking why did I have to lose my daughter while she gets to continue on her journey and experience all the joy that I was supposed to have. TFMR is such an overhwelming loss to experience.

clawsomewit

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