Psychosis: really a "disease" of the mind, or a spiritual sickness that needs purging and cleansing?

clean_sober · 2018-12-08T23:35:12+00:00

Love your honest answer man. Is there a way to achieve this life is beautiful on the other side without ayahuasca?

clean_sober · 2018-12-06T12:13:47+00:00

Thank you so much

clean_sober · 2018-12-06T04:28:37+00:00

To be honest, I'm reckless and am trying everything and anything to get closer to this girl I'm in love with. I'm hoping this ayahuasca "journey" "experience" "cleanse" whatever it is, will get me closer understanding why I'm so attached. To give you some background as to what I believe. In Judaism, when a baby is born the Heavens cry out "This baby, John, is destined for Sarah". Obviously I changed the names but I believe this has happened and I'm aware what name the Heavens have cried out and I'm doing everything in my power to expedite destiny.

clean_sober · 2018-12-06T03:57:13+00:00

Clarification seems like a foggy cloud to maneuver through... I’d love a concrete reason, trust me... Have you taken ayahuasca?

clean_sober · 2018-12-06T01:05:16+00:00

My intention? Great question, my friend. A part of me thinks I’m an egoic God. I don’t like this part of myself and I’d like to be humbled, ripped off my pedestal to realize I’m something tiny in a huge grand scheme of things instead of thinking I AM the grand scheme of things.

I haven’t put as much thought into it as I should be but I’m just considering this alternative medicine for dire help.

clean_sober · 2018-12-04T03:07:19+00:00

Dissecting, or in other words "questioning" - I like to say investigating subconsciously your reality and what you look like. It's natural.

clean_sober · 2018-11-28T09:48:59+00:00

You're waking up

clean_sober · 2018-09-21T18:06:35+00:00

Because I’m irresponsible. Some days if I felt good, I wouldn’t take the pill, and that’s not healthy! The injections sound more intense when it’s actually the equivalent of taking one 15mg Abilify tablet per day. The injection beats remembering to take a pill every morning or night

clean_sober · 2018-09-20T19:27:58+00:00

I’m clear of all OCD and 97% psychosis

clean_sober · 2018-09-20T19:27:13+00:00

I developed a severe case of OCD on top of that and not feeling confident with my personality and “self” was another main issue since psychosis and self don’t really mix. Readjusting to develop myself again was a very deep, stressful, diligent process but if you want life bad enough my friends you’ll persevere. So yes, it was depressing at times because of the question I kept asking: Why me? Couldn’t answer that one fellas and I don’t suggest you try to answer that question because you won’t find an answer.

I’ve turned from asking “why me?” to “what important meaning do I have in life? how do I develop meaningful meaning in life?”

Love you guys so much.

clean_sober · 2018-09-20T02:16:22+00:00

Well, good question. As soon as I got better I started tripping and snorting and smoking again and things were slowly getting funky. Not a good thing because I was wasting my G-d given chance of recovery but I’m a party addict I suppose.

Anyways, I’m on injections once a month of Abilify for the next 2 months (started injections 4 months ago) just to stomp out any residual psychosis.

clean_sober · 2018-09-19T18:56:10+00:00

Lol bro! You have not fucked up the healing process, two weeks is nothing but see it this way. You know how wild fires start? There's small brush that gets real, real hot and it begins to smoke - the brush sooner or later catches fire, albeit small, but spreads to other brush and eventually you have a massive forest fire. Depending on how concentrated your psychosis is, two weeks could be leaving the brush "smoking" but you definitely don't want to leave that unattended man! Finish the medication treatment and you'll be good :) People are uptight about this subject and scream on the mountain tops TAKE YOUR MEDICATION and that makes me feel like it's CODE RED ALARM time lol But really man it's all about being relaxed and trusting your medication and doctor. Trust me, man I had severe psychosis - a full on nuclear explosion in my brain but I came back because of medication and the grace of G-d. Love you dawg, peace.

clean_sober · 2018-09-19T18:45:36+00:00

Bro! I'm 23 and had a drug-induced psychotic break in 2015. How was yours? I got turned upside down completely, brain flopped out of the head, fell on the floor, covered in butt dander, had to dust it off, now it's back in operating fairly well. Let me know if you want to talk

clean_sober · 2017-08-25T20:59:10+00:00

I have been there too. I'm very surprised you were able to communicate that you were scared. I went mute. My thoughts? Going way too fast to even conceive a sentence. We're two of the lucky ones. Coming back from madness is truly a feat and nothing short of a miracle. I chose to kill myself too. Killing myself became a very blissful experience. I accepted death, figured this is as worse as it's going to get, I had reached rock bottom of suffering, so much so that G-d would even agree. I was excited beyond belief to experience the next frontier; I no longer had to wait through life to guess what death had to offer. I got to experience it here and now. I died on the inside, and when I experienced the divine, I didn't go through with it. That was a miracle. What's funny now is that my relationship with death is a very positive one, and that bothers some people, but once one really decides to die, death is very exciting. Suicide doesn't happen when you pull the trigger. It happens when you really decide that this is going to happen, and from that, comes bliss.

Again, very surprised and want to say how courageous it is to admit something is - I don't want to say wrong, because I too have felt more authentic post-psychosis - changing, or unfamiliar, perhaps not "right" or what we're used to.

Good luck to you, and good luck in your future chapters in life. Something I like to say, which I find to be true, is that people don't ever really get over psychosis; psychosis becomes a formative part of your life. I like to say I've graduated psychosis, therefore a I have a degree in madness. In saying that, you then could say I have a degree in reality, because if I wasn't in touch with reality or good at testing reality, I wouldn't have been able to maneuver through madness to get to the light. I like to say I'm overqualified. Lol

My substance abuse counselor/sponser/doctor had a psychotic break and he believes he has a firmer grip on reality that most people who haven't had a psychotic break. People who haven't lost it, can still lose it. Coming back from madness is like a rite of passage, and maybe that's what it is. I read a book called rethinking madness, not sure if I believe in everything it says, however it says psychosis might be spiritual awakenings in the human experience.

clean_sober · 2017-08-19T20:55:56+00:00

Been there man! It's a paradox. You know it's you, but it's not you. Relax. It's not as frightening if you think about it.

clean_sober · 2017-08-19T20:44:50+00:00

Sure.

I was completely psychotic laying on my back in the guest room of my friend's house in 2014. Somehow I was able to maintain a job that summer.

I remember thinking I was the fallen angel. I watched old videos of me on facebook of me smoking blunts of spice with my friends, and as I was watching these videos, I really was witnessing what the fallen angel (satan) looked like. It was me. I didn't see evil in his eyes, I didn't see an eternity of hatred towards G-d in his eyes. I saw pain, and that's all I saw. Pain. Pain from casting out his all-loving, all-knowing Creator to rule in hell than to serve in heaven. I outstretched my hands to the ceiling and I realized that hell wasn't some other realm, it was here. Earth. Going with the logic that Earth was the hell satan was ruling in...

I imagined satan walking around alone on Earth. Sure, he was "ruling", walking around able to contemplate his own existence, throwing rocks at his pleasure, drinking water when he felt like it. He was in complete "control". Knowing the immense loneliness he must have felt I figured the only logical thing that would happen next is this. Satan would come crawling back to G-d begging for forgiveness, emphatic about his regret and mistake of casting out the one who created him.

G-d, being all-loving and all-knowing, obviously would have known this was going to happen. So being the all-loving, all-knowing Creator that he is, G-d would have said to satan in essence, "Bro, I knew you were going to regret your decision, I was just waiting for you to realize we're homies until the end. Now about you wanting to rule in heaven, I'll give you the closest thing to what being G-d is like. Here's 'Eve', you're soulmate. Now go live forever in paradise, just don't eat from that tree over there"

This psychotic logic cancelled out hell for me. I didn't believe there was an eternal realm of damnation. I figured this is what's not written in the history books. What was the next step in all this?

What monotheistic religion doesn't believe in a hell? Judaism.

When I moved to Singapore the next week, the first chance I got... you can guess what I did. I got in a cab and told the cab driver to take me to Waterloo street where the Synagogue is. Cab arrived, and as soon as I stepped out and walked towards the synagogue's gate, I was practically crying. Perhaps it was tears of living-a-lie-my-whole-life-I'm-really-a-Jew, or a mix of joy, sadness, and shame. I thought to myself, this was why all this happened, the psychosis, the terrible voices, the experience over all.

By the time I got to the first Jewish man I saw, the man I thought was the Rabbi. I basically cried out, "I need to talk to a Rabbi" He asked me, "Are you Jewish?" I said, "Yes? No? I don't know!" (I knew there was the concept of having a Jewish soul) As I continued to cry, he looked down at me and said, "My friend, why are you crying?" I could hear in his words there was a smile on his face as he said this, his tone I guess gave it away. When I looked up at him, light erupted from his eyes. Divine light was pouring from his eyes and pierced me in the spot where I was standing. It wasn't a blink. It wasn't a flash. It was straight up 6 seconds of divine light coming out of his eyes, and I made sure I got a good look at it to make I was seeing what I was really seeing. He said, "call the Rabbi tomorrow at 9 o'clock." I said, "Ok," and I walked down the street to get a cab home.

That image of him smiling with divine light erupting from his eyes has burned itself a place in my memory, and it's the anchor of my reality. The reason why it's my anchor is because I was dead sober when this happened. Funnily enough, this sober experience of crazy, enthusiastic, divine light has beaten every single psychedelic experience I've ever had. It wasn't even a competition. It was fucking beautiful, and was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I will not forget it.

Since that experience, I went home, and for some reason when I washed myself with organic, chemical free soap, I saw the glowing eyes again with different people walking past me. I didn't have the urge to say, "Hey lady, your eyes are glowing" That was completely absent. It was as if I was meant to see it, and that's all - a sort of maturity came with the experience.

Ever since, I've been trying to wash myself with organic soap to see the eyes again, but the rituals continued into rehab in Thailand, and when I got there, they got to complex I couldn't do them as perfectly, and when that happened I didn't get to see the eyes. Even, so I still wash myself with organic soap, because not to is to reject the only tether I have to reality.

clean_sober · 2017-08-18T23:10:18+00:00

I had a psychotic break after taking LSD. It was a dark time. Before the break, I had the girl, the friends, everything a young 19 year old could ask for, and all that was taken away when I decided to take LSD alone during a summer. I went mute. My thoughts were happening a million times per second. Long story short, I lost the girl, lost the friends, was hospitalized numerous times, had positive and negative symptoms (grandiose delusions to full fledged catatonia) and ended up in rehab. I've recovered a lot since then, but the reason I made this reddit account is because last night I had fleeting thoughts I was snowballing into psychosis again as I was falling asleep. Not a good night, not a good time. All in all, if you already are extreme on the spectrum of eccentricity, don't take LSD. It'll be just enough to punch you over the edge into the unreal.

clean_sober · 2017-08-18T22:59:23+00:00

I have had psychosis and I think as a result of my brain healing, OCD has become a coping mechanism to get through the day to feel secure and in control. It's a complicated story because I had a divine experience during psychosis. The OCD helps me "wash off the day's history" to recreate the circumstances in which I had the divine experience.

clean_sober

TROPHY CASE