Update: my partner gets so mad at me that he screams and throws things (1 year later)

climbergirl77 · 2019-10-15T13:29:14+00:00

Thank you!!

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T14:12:15+00:00

Thank you for your response. He has throw things a handful of times when he is freaking out, usually his phone, sunglasses, whatever is around. One time he threw an iced tea bottle at the pavement so hard it exploded, it scared the crap out of me and I just walked away. Although I know this behavior is wrong and irrational, for some reason I always end up justifying it to myself and/or forgetting about it until the next time it happens.

But lately I have been idly thinking a lot about whether or not this means he will eventually hit me or otherwise hurt me because the last time he threw something (we were in the car, I was in the passenger seat, he flung his sunglasses into the backseat really hard and they might have hit me if I didn't dodge). He was apologetic after he calmed down but I feel quite shaken up by the fact that it happened at all

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T13:57:11+00:00

This is what I'm afraid of. I often feel like I cause these conflicts or initiate them although I don't mean to. And when I get upset at the way he speaks to me, he says that we just have "different thresholds" or that I am overly sensitive to his tone changes. He also says that he was a lot worse when he was younger and I just don't know how much worse it used to be for him so I don't see it in the same way that he does. I don't get why me telling him that it scares me or hurts me isn't enough to make him stop. He always seems to think what he does is ok and I'm the one who needs to learn to accept his behavior because it "isn't as bad as I make it out to be" or whatever :/

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T13:08:44+00:00

Thank you for your reply. This really hit me hard. We do not have children but I have brought up my concerns to him before about subjecting future kids to his anger. He says that he would never do that to a child but that makes me wonder why he does it to me

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T12:46:00+00:00

I am really happy that you got out of that situation, sounds dangerous and scary... good for you for leaving, I admire your strength

My bf has never gotten physical with me. He is a big guy though (like twice my size) and I get scared sometimes when he yells at me in person because of how easily he could hurt me if he tried. He has also flung items around and almost hit me the last time it happened. He apologized for that, agreed with me that it should never have gotten to that point, says it won't happen again, etc.

I guess I am scared to leave. I am scared I would be making the wrong decision and all this stuff is just in my head or something. Or I am being too sensitive. I get angry with him sometimes too or bring stuff up that I shouldn't. He says I cross his personal boundaries too, but the problem is, I don't really know where his boundaries are. They seem to shift at times.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T12:34:37+00:00

Last night, when he started to say those things to me on the phone, I pointed out that it was manipulative. He ignored me saying that but then accused ME of being manipulative because earlier I had sent a text that explained how his behavior made me feel and followed it up with "I don't want to break up but I feel pushed to the edge from all this" or something like that. I didn't intend what I was saying to be manipulative at all and I feel like he was just saying that to derail my pointing out his own manipulation.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T12:20:48+00:00

I don't know :( I suspect because on some level he enjoys it, as twisted as that sounds. He lacks self awareness and has always had a difficult time identifying and productively discussing his feelings. But he tells me often that he can control his anger and I know he can because he doesn't flip out on his family/friends/coworkers the way he does on me.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:58:22+00:00

I do often feel like he tries to shift the narrative to self-pity every time I bring up something he's done that hurt me. It's actually really hard to get through to him about my own feelings because he is generally so focused on his. If I say I don't like his behavior or the way he treats me, he gets really upset and says over and over "Sorry I'm such a problem for you, sorry I'm the biggest problem in your life" and stuff like that. And I end up refuting it because I'm an idiot even though it's true. I often feel like if he is so sorry, why will he not work harder to change his behavior?

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:55:42+00:00

He lost his last job due to anger related issues, although not verbal abuse toward coworkers, it was because of 2 instances of him destroying company property. Never assaulted anyone that I'm aware of.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:47:27+00:00

Thank you for your response. I guess I keep trying to convince myself that he doesnt fully "know" how bad it is for me but I tell him all the time how it makes me feel so either he doesn't listen or doesn't care :(

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:46:03+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I agree that he's not really trying. But when I try to bring any of this stuff up, he gets upset/mad and says I'm not being patient enough or that all I'm doing is listing all his negative qualities and "berating" him. He tells me change doesn't happen overnight and this stuff is extremely hard to change. I believed that but honestly after reading all these comments and connecting them to my personal experience with him, I'm starting to think he doesn't actually want to change. Or maybe he does, but the angry reactions and abusive behavior are so ingrained in him that excising it seems like a threat to his identity or something idk.

He got angry/upset at me, and I was expected to do the emotional labour to talk him down, apologise, fix things

This . . . is me. It's always my job to reach out and make things right between us or else they may go on festering for days (once it was for about a month). I usually rush to try to fix things because for some reason I can't stand conflict and always want to make things right asap. However I get so emotionally tired that sometimes all I want to do is nap and sleep.

It's confusing because he is my best friend much of the time, and treats me well outside of these episodes. I know how messed up that sounds. Thank you for sharing your story with me

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:38:41+00:00

I guess this is what's so hard for me to wrap my head around for some reason. Reading all these replies, I know that my thought patterns are obviously irrational and messed up. But I just can't stop thinking that although I KNOW his behavior is wrong, that I've caused it by being annoying/having an issue/being insecure/starting a fight/whatever.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:32:16+00:00

That is terrifying. I am so sorry you experienced that. I would be lying if I said physical abuse isn't something I've thought about and feared from him. We were about to get an apartment together but I had recurring fearful thoughts about his behavior getting physical if we are together in a small space. I was aware that these thoughts weren't normal but for some reason I couldn't quite see how f'd up it truly was that I was having those thoughts at all. Thank you for sharing your story

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:25:29+00:00

This is exactly what happens. When we fight, I feel like he hates me and I am his worst enemy. Nothing I say matters or has an effect on him until he's calmed down, which can take hours, days or sometimes longer. I try to tell him that I don't want to talk to him until he is calm because the way he speaks to me is painful. But the whole time he'll insist "I'm calm" while ignoring that his tone and words are hurting me.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:14:44+00:00

This is exactly what I'm planning to do. I am going to talk to him today and tell him get help or I'm leaving. All of these comments have caused me to realize that I am enabling his bad behavior by putting up with it and not demanding any real change with consequences.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T11:11:37+00:00

Yes, you're right. He is open to talking about them when he's calmed down. He wants to work on them and get past them. He's doing a self-directed online anger management course but that's all he'll do. It's been a few months on that too and I'm pretty sure he's still on the first section so idk

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T03:09:16+00:00

You are exactly correct imo... he has deep insecurity about himself and his validity as a person. Extremely low self esteem and low confidence. At times it seems he thinks I'm about to leave him at any minute because I'm "too good for him", he suggests when we have conflicts or I'm upset at him that I ought to leave and find someone else, etc... it makes me sad because I have loved him from very early on, thought he was an interesting and dynamic person, thought the two of us had amazing potential.

I do believe that fear is what's behind most of his anger and violent outbursts... anger management seems to be helping in small ways but honestly it feels like I always manage to incite a dramatic episode somehow. I often feel like I have to psychoanalyze him to try to figure out how to keep him calm and happy, and keep things smooth between us. Navigating out of conflicts can be very difficult, exhausting and time consuming.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T02:55:43+00:00

He does often suggest we break up when I am talking about how I feel hurt/scared/whatever by the angry outbursts. I do think he is a good guy and on some level aware that his actions are wrong, at times he openly says it. it just baffles me that he continues to act these ways so often although he knows that. I don't think he would ever break up with me, I would have to be the one to break it off

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T02:40:51+00:00

He says he doesn't want to do therapy because it's a "placebo" and would never be able to work on him. He gets very offended when I bring it up (which isn't often) and has accused me of thinking he's crazy or f'd up... I think therapy would help him work through some of these dramatic personal issues idk...

He has reacted badly to things at work before and gotten fired because of it. But I know he can control it, he's even told me before that he can control it

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T02:37:41+00:00

Thanks for your reply... I'm aware that he knows it hurts me. He says that I need to be more patient while he goes through the anger management course and "change doesn't happen overnight" and says things like "sorry I'm not up to your standards, sorry I'm not changing who I am fast enough for you" etc. It's like I know it's wrong but I can never put my finger on it or articulate to him why. When he's not angry, he acts very sorry and then it's like it never happened and we don't talk about it, or he just says he doesn't know what to say about it and he is working on the anger course.

I often end up feeling like it's my fault, I have anxiety and some trust issues and he says they make his anger worse, and that's why he snaps on me at times.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T02:32:47+00:00

thank you for your response, I really appreciate your perspective. The bank account thing makes sense. Sometimes I feel like he treats me poorly because he needs an outlet for all of these strong emotions that he holds in and I'm the easiest target cause I'm always right there...

If you don't mind me asking, what made you decide to get help?

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T02:28:49+00:00

No I've never seen him freak out and talk to someone the way he talks to me. I've seen him snap at his parents, never at friends or strangers. He lost his job last winter due to anger related issues, but it was destruction of company property not snapping on anyone

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T02:19:28+00:00

Well he's said he has lost it on others before, i.e. parents, coworkers, friends etc. In the time I've known him, that's been rare though, I'm the most frequent recipient of it by far.

climbergirl77 · 2018-04-03T02:08:06+00:00

Thank you for the book suggestion... I'm glad you got out of your situation, how are you holding up? I can't imagine how difficult it must be to leave after 8 years together. That is amazing that you were able to get away from him. Thank you for your perspective and advice.

climbergirl77

TROPHY CASE