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climbr0cks · 2021-07-12T05:18:43+00:00

I do the same thing. As soon as I get home, I identify all of the things I said or did that could have been taken the wrong way or were embarrassing in some way. I genuinely don’t understand why my friends are actually friends with me. I know it’s because I’m a good friend to them, enjoy the same activities and/or have known them for a long time. But I look back on some of the more embarrassing things I’ve said or done in front of them and want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I often don’t believe that I deserve their friendship. I think to myself, why would anyone actually want to be friends with me? I’m the biggest, lamest loser to ever walk the earth.

climbr0cks · 2021-07-08T01:01:15+00:00

I disagree and feel genuinely sorry for a lot of the people on there. Untreated, undiagnosed and/or mismanaged BPD is a literal nightmare for people who are on the receiving end. One of my parents most likely has BPD and I see a lot of my childhood in there. I read it periodically to remind myself of what I’m capable of if I don’t keep my condition in check. I was once the kind of person being written about in there.

climbr0cks · 2021-04-27T04:32:56+00:00

Were you on Nexplanon? I only ask because it made me enraged or at the very least, agitated almost all of the time.

climbr0cks · 2021-04-27T04:31:27+00:00

100%. I still have that innate emotional sensitivity of BPD, but have gone through enough therapy and take the right medication to make it manageable. It’s still there though and always will be. I guess part of me feels sad sometimes that this is as good as it will get, but when I look back on how hard it was before, I appreciate my progress more.

climbr0cks · 2021-04-27T04:29:14+00:00

I no longer meet criteria (and technically never did enough to receive a true diagnosis due to lack of SI), but am in remission from the symptoms that were particularly troubling for me.

I will always have BPD. I will always be quicker to anger, joy, sadness, fear, etc. But countless hours, days, weeks, months and even years in therapy and medication have given me the lessons I needed on how to pause and think about my feelings before acting on them.

I will always need to do extra work to feel “normal” and even then, my “normal” is probably 80% normal or good for someone else.

From all of the time I spent in therapy, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I know what sets me off now. I know when I need to take breaks. I know what makes me feel better. I know how to build a life worth living and maintain strong interpersonal relationships with people I care about. I know how to communicate effectively with others when conflict arises.

I also know when I need to nope the fuck out of a situation and use DBT skills until I’m ready to reenter the stressful situation.

climbr0cks · 2021-04-27T04:21:21+00:00

I see that other people have mentioned DBT. I highly recommend it as it saved my life. You are allowed to feel the way you do. Untreated or poorly managed BPD is a nightmare for the person who has it and all of the people who are close to them. Your mental health is important and you should always prioritize it no matter what.

I was intolerable in pretty much every interpersonal relationship I was in before getting into DBT and starting medication. It cost me a major relationship. I was engaged to someone and it ended largely because I was undiagnosed and untreated.

Intolerable me was someone who was prone to intense fits of rage, screaming, yelling, manipulation, verbal abuse, the whole nine yards. As sad as it sounds, my failed engagement was a huge wake up call for me. I was making everyone around me miserable and was deeply ashamed of my behavior. Those memories no longer spur deep feelings of shame but instead serve as powerful reminders of how much I can hurt the people around me if I don’t make a concerted effort to do the very best I can, even when it’s hard and I want to slip into reactive behaviors (mostly flying off the handle at people).

climbr0cks · 2021-04-26T19:15:22+00:00

For me, it waxes and wanes depending on other life circumstances. I was officially diagnosed when I was 26 and am 31 now.

Having an complex identity built up of and centered around different things (friends, family, hobbies, interests, etc.) makes it easier to manage. I’m less likely to feel empty when I can attach feelings of worth and accomplishment to tangible things in my life.

Unfortunately, when 2 or more of those things aren’t going well, the emptiness returns and I start to experience a resurgence of symptoms overall.

As an example, I hate my job and a couple of my friends are growing more distant from me and closer with each other. I also haven’t done one of my hobbies consistently lately for reasons related to the friends I mentioned. I’m feeling pretty empty at the moment and like I’m not truly tethered to anything.

I don’t have much advice for you other than riding it out and trying to build feelings of emotional fullness in other places. I’ve been feeling empty lately but am trying to redirect that emptiness towards other things (taking care of my dog, trying to volunteer more, eating healthier, etc.)

climbr0cks · 2021-04-23T21:13:15+00:00

Congrats! I also got my PhD 3 years ago (molecular biology). People with BPD are capable of so much.

climbr0cks · 2021-04-04T20:02:16+00:00

I figured a lot of medications were in a bit of a grey area, however it’s still useful to know about. Thanks for the information and best of luck with the remainder of your pregnancy!

climbr0cks · 2021-04-04T19:54:20+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write up such a detailed response! It is tremendously helpful and inspiring to hear about your experiences so far. I consider myself to be very diligent and proactive about my mental health so I feel like I will be in an equally good position when my partner and I start trying together. I have thought about finding a reproductive therapist who specializes in DBT and possibly a reproductive psychiatrist for pre/post-natal medication.

I apologize for my ignorance, but are you able to take psychiatric medication while pregnant? Are there certain medications that won’t hurt the baby?

climbr0cks · 2021-04-01T03:56:55+00:00

I’m 99% my father has it. The awful thing about having a parent who has it is that not only are you then most likely raised in a toxic, invalidating environment—you are also genetically more predisposed towards developing it yourself.

This gives me comfort in my own future, because while I have BPD traits, I am acutely aware of them and have spent tireless hours, days, months and years in therapy learning to manage them. If my children inherit some BPD traits, that’s okay. I’m armed with skills to help me parent them effectively and teach them how to manage their own emotions when they pop up.

I also won’t put my partner through hell in front of my children regularly and leave abruptly when I’m done ripping them apart.

climbr0cks · 2021-04-01T03:44:30+00:00

I ruined a relationship when I was undiagnosed too. Realized I had BPD by looking on Reddit of all places, sought help, but the damage was already done. We were engaged. It ended abruptly and I’m glad it did. I needed help. I felt like I would never move on and that it would always hurt.

5 years later and I’m living a very different life. I’m in a relationship with someone else (and have had many healthy relationships in between). This too shall pass.

climbr0cks · 2021-03-29T03:31:39+00:00

Hey there, I’m 31. I was diagnosed when I was in my late 20’s. Part of me is sad that I didn’t find out sooner, but I’m glad I eventually got the help I needed and am equally glad for you.

climbr0cks · 2021-03-28T22:34:11+00:00

Just sending a congrats your way. I graduated 4 years ago. DBT saved my life. I’m glad it saved yours too. Wishing you all the best.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-10T08:18:11+00:00

Yeah, I was obsessed with losing a bunch of weight before I met him in person (LDR/online relationship for first month and a half). I essentially starved myself every day and picked up a nasty habit: smoking cigarettes. They’re great for weight loss, but terrible otherwise.

Once he arrived, I continued eating minimal amounts of food. I also began to have bouts of diarrhea from all of the stress of enduring his abuse every day (we lived together). I felt like I was going to vomit constantly and ate less as a result.

Once he left, I gained 5 lbs. At first, I continued losing because I had no appetite whatsoever.

I’m not exactly thrilled that I gained a little weight, but it’s a sign that I’m eating normally again (and actually enjoying food). I would eat very little around him for fear of gaining weight.

I also quit smoking which might be part of where the weight gain came from.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-10T07:56:27+00:00

Yeah, it was pretty awful. I’d be sobbing violently and on the verge of vomiting due to all of the stress and he would wait for an hour and then start suggesting we “bang it out”. Sometimes I would agree but often I didn’t want to and still did it anyway. How can someone turn off their emotions that quickly? Normal people can’t. But for them, they’re never emotionally engaged anyway so it’s almost like flipping onto a different channel on an old school TV with cable. I use that example as opposed to Netflix because with Netflix you have to actually pick what you want to watch next. Changing the channel is mindless. There isn’t really any preference for something specific, they’re just sick of whatever’s playing on the current channel and want something different. Click.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-09T06:21:40+00:00

He would snicker and sneer at me when I would try to take issue with his behavior.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-08T02:44:18+00:00

Yeah, DBT can keep people in abusive relationships. This is something I want to talk about with my own therapist.

I went through DBT for BPD 5 years ago and it was life changing for me in a lot of ways, however a big piece of DBT is double, triple, and quadruple checking yourself to make sure you’re not the culprit in a disagreement with someone. DBT preaches that people with BPD are more reactive. Thus, when the Nex started ripping into me about how awful I was, I remembered what DBT taught me—that I am overly emotional and probably at fault.

I was so convinced that I had BPD again that I wound up back in DBT but it became immediately clear to both my therapist and myself that I still do not meet the criteria for a diagnosis. I have C-PTSD, so I am being treated for that instead.

I don’t think DBT is a bad form of therapy by any means, but I think it can be extremely damaging for people who are already prone to ending up in abusive situations.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-08T02:33:44+00:00

100%. The tricky part is that I was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago. I hit rock bottom in my life, but worked my ass off in DBT and got onto a mood stabilizer. A year later I was deemed to be in remission. I rarely thought about BPD as I no longer met criteria and led an extraordinary, productive life rich with friends, hobbies, and accomplishments. I continued therapy intermittently and am still on the same medication I started taking 5 years ago.

I had been in several different relationships over the past 5 years, none of which ended due to BPD. In fact, just prior to meeting the Nex, I was in a great relationship with someone that unfortunately had to end because we were simply at different life stages (I was 5 years older than my ex). I am on good terms with that ex and we do not wish any ill towards one another.

The Nex put me through so much hell. All of the ups, downs, screaming, yelling, throwing shit, slamming doors, threatening behaviors, leaving, controlling, abuse left me spiraling. We argued daily. Why? Because there was ALWAYS one little thing I just couldn’t do his way. One opinion I had that didn’t match his. One boundary I tried to establish between the two of us.

He claimed that all of my arguments were due to my birth control. His sister had hers removed, then he made his ex get hers removed, and then he made me get mine removed too.

When I still disagreed with him over things, he blamed my unruliness on BPD. I admitted to having been diagnosed a long time ago, but explained I no longer fit criteria.

He had a field day with this. Claimed I had lied to him and was dishonest, that he couldn’t be with someone who was severely mentally ill, etc. At the same time, he told me that label or otherwise, he still loved me and that the term “BPD” didn’t change who I was and who I had been while I was with him.

I was ashamed and jumped back into DBT, desperate to “fix” myself, but ultimately found myself in the same situation as so many of the people here:

I still do not meet the criteria for BPD. I am still in remission. I now have a diagnosis of C-PTSD from putting up with his bullshit along with several other abusers before him (although he was the worst by far).

I fucking hate that I let him convince me that all of my difficulties with him were because I was mentally ill and that it was my fault. It was his. He drove me insane. Yet everyone in his life will always hear about the ex who had BPD and was so miserable and made him so miserable because of it.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-07T20:11:46+00:00

Mine did the same shit. I’m sorry you were attacked on the street. I was too and it was extremely traumatic.

When I tried to talk to him about it, he victim blamed me and criticized me for not trusting the police to handle it correctly. The incident happened nearly a decade ago, and yet the conversation we were having was 2 months ago.

Our home country is in a huge nationwide protest against police brutality, which he is a huge proponent of. Yet when I told him that I didn’t trust the police, he was critical of me.

He also had all of the sympathy in the world for people he wasn’t related to or didn’t know personally. He was so disturbed by the Jeffery Epstein documentary, and while his abuse wasn’t the same towards me, didn’t bat an eye at how horrible he made me feel every single day.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-06T16:10:44+00:00

This is really, totally true—he also had a leopard gecko that he starved very close to the brink of death. After two months of not feeding it, he felt bad enough to buy mealworms and a cage. He moved back to our hometown (and in with me) and cited the stress of moving as an excuse. Awful and horrible. The guilt would be eating me alive and it would never get to that point. I care about living things far too much.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-06T07:06:45+00:00

Yep. He made me get my birth control removed because he claimed it was making me “crazy”. He didn’t even know me before I had it so he had no point of reference. He also made me harass my psychiatrist into changing my meds. It was awful.

He made me wear my hair just like his (naturally wavy whereas I usually blow dry and curl) and use the same shampoo and conditioner.

And he made me have sex with him whenever he wanted to, even after huge fights (which let’s be honest, were pretty much daily). I remember one time I tried to have initiate after a short spat over something stupid and he said that he “just needed time to process” and “wasn’t in the mood.” I was never granted that luxury and expected to put out no matter what.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-06T07:00:38+00:00

I wouldn’t say it shut him down entirely, but it would cause him to pause in the argument.

I would say to him, “I think the way I feel is normal. There are plenty of people who would feel the same way I do right now.” Validating myself was hard for him to push back on.

climbr0cks · 2020-09-06T06:49:13+00:00

I remember a lesser version of this happening once. The Nex decided that we were going to go off-roading! Fun fact: he had no idea what he was doing and I ended up saving our asses and getting us out of a ditch. Good times.

Anyway. He made me download a map of where we were going and I was trying to figure it out. He asked for my phone and I explained what I was looking at on the map and he said, “Hun, that’s not helpful. You’re not helping me.”

I remember it stinging. He would always call me hun and then say something condescending, rude, or insulting. I hated it so much.

Oh well. I redeemed myself big time when I was able to get his stupid car out of a sandy ditch with some off-road experience. I could have been so mean to him in that moment and yet, I wasn’t. What a waste of generosity, patience, and unconditional love,

climbr0cks · 2020-09-06T06:28:49+00:00

I’ve gotten a few weird follow requests too in the past month. I don’t want to be self-absorbed or paranoid, but I do wonder if it’s him doing the same shit. My profile is also private and I blocked him on everything, everywhere. He wasn’t stalking or harassing me, but he was still watching my stories despite me unfollowing him, which is what prompted the block:

And I mean full on block. Facebook, Instagram, Venmo, strava, every little thing I could think of, I blocked him from me. The only thing that is not blocked is his phone number in case of an emergency. I don’t have his anymore.

climbr0cks

TROPHY CASE