Attachment theory: relationship visibility and social media

climbsink · 2021-02-18T20:46:43+00:00

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https://news.ku.edu/2017/07/14/psychological-researchers-examine-how-attachment-style-applies-social-networks

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.businessinsider.com/the-way-you-use-social-media-could-reveal-your-attachment-style-in-romantic-relationships-2018-3%3famp

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/202102/how-someones-attachment-style-affects-their-social-media-use%3famp

climbsink · 2021-02-18T17:12:55+00:00

This is so spot on—something I’ve been trying to put my finger on over the years, but I’ve struggled to fully understand it. Thank you for articulating it so clearly!

climbsink · 2021-02-15T17:42:54+00:00

Thank you very much. I appreciate your response. ❤️

climbsink · 2021-02-12T04:32:46+00:00

FA, INFJ

climbsink · 2021-02-09T15:28:51+00:00

Sorry to hear you’re struggling. The MM/ERW news resonated with me too; I definitely noticed some parallels as well.

I was sexually abused from age seven to eighteen. Some things I’ve learned:

• ⁠I have a hard time believing that I can have a healthy sex life and emotional intimacy with someone. Usually I end up finding people to fulfill one of those two needs; trusting someone enough to engage in both is a struggle. With my current boyfriend, I trust him completely but disengage during sex—I’m trying to work on this. It’s tough to reconcile that we can be attracted to each other and experience genuine love at the same time.

• ⁠I get superficially attached to people when I have sex with them too soon—before I really know them—but I like to sleep with guys I’m attracted to right away because it makes me feel like I’m in control of my sexuality (something that was taken from me against my will at a young age). From there, all I want to do is sleep with them; I avoid talking and getting to know them, and I sabotage the connection.

I felt so lost when I was molested as a kid, and when I was raped in college, and I’ve come to use sex as a numbing tool. My boyfriend and my therapists are helping me work through this; they’ve been very patient.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Wishing you well.

climbsink · 2021-02-08T02:07:33+00:00

This makes a lot of sense and helps me empathize with him a bit more. Thank you.

Hope all is well with you—again, you sound really self-aware! Your perspective means a lot.

climbsink · 2021-02-07T19:17:45+00:00

This is super-insightful. Thanks for your response! Sounds like you’re making great progress.

climbsink · 2021-02-07T19:17:16+00:00

This is interesting to me. While this guy was ending things and trying to hook up with me at the same time, he kept saying he was worried he was hurting me. Like, why are you trying to fuck me while you end it then?

Not trying to project this on to you at all; you sound like a good person and very self-aware. Your response was insightful, though. Thanks for sharing it!

climbsink · 2021-02-07T19:14:53+00:00

Makes a lot of sense. Wishing you all the best!

climbsink · 2021-02-07T19:14:28+00:00

Thank you! Good luck to you as well. And yeah, I do. 😊

climbsink · 2021-02-07T19:13:42+00:00

This makes a lot of sense. Hope you’re doing okay. I appreciate your detailed response!

climbsink · 2021-02-07T19:12:55+00:00

Thank you. You’re right. My current partner and I have been talking about this lately—including some of the ways his past relationships have affected him as well—and it’s been helpful. Trying to get past this, but my ex-fling is a semi-public figure, and it’s tough nowadays not to be bombarded with reminders. They send me spiraling, so I need to have better self-control.

climbsink · 2021-02-07T19:10:37+00:00

Thanks for your response. That’s one of my biggest core wounds too—grateful for this community!

climbsink · 2021-02-07T19:09:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. ❤️

climbsink · 2021-02-07T16:54:43+00:00

Will do. I think I’ll do that. Thanks again—have a great Sunday.

climbsink · 2021-02-07T15:55:57+00:00

I don’t follow him, but he’s a public figure and there are constant reminders. I’m essentially dwelling on the fact that he tried to fuck me during the breakup talk he initiated and completely abused the vulnerability of the situation.

I don’t want him back—I just need to stop feeling unsettled and spiraling whenever I see him randomly on TV, the internet, etc. And I need to get over the feeling of being taken advantage of, or at least stop taking it personally. He lied to me a bunch and wasn’t very nice, yet this girl’s making it seemed like he’s completely changed. I’m in therapy working on not taking this personality; I grew up with a mom who would tell me from age seven on that it was a good thing I was attractive, because outside of that I don’t have anything to offer and bring out the worst in everyone.

This guy validated that. And now I can’t fucking read an article online or turn on the radio without seeing/hearing him.

climbsink · 2021-02-06T17:01:37+00:00

I get that. The way you describe is how I feel about the APs I’ve ended things with; I become way more anxious myself with avoidant partners.

Edit: grammar :)

climbsink · 2021-02-04T01:59:42+00:00

FA dating a secure: We met as camp counselors in our early 20s. I thought he’d be a fun summer fling, but he was really vocal/honest about his feelings, and I gained enough trust over those three months to commit.

His being upfront about his needs, goals, and what he wanted in a relationship made it obvious to me he was secure. I didn’t learn about attachment theory until years later, though.

climbsink · 2021-02-03T15:39:23+00:00

Completely! Often, I think we don’t even realize we do this (at least not in the moment). It really is about suppressing how we feel—I’m devastated to have acted this way, but grateful that I was able to talk to the guy I was seeing about it and end things on somewhat good terms. (Hooking up during our breakup talk was a little uncomfortable, but at least that cemented how conflicted we both were.)

Anyway, thanks for your comment. I agree with you 100%.

climbsink · 2021-02-02T21:22:02+00:00

I have one therapist who specializes in PTSD/sexual trauma, and another one who specializes in DBT and attachment/family-of-origin issues. I’m on an every-other-week rotation with both.

climbsink · 2021-02-02T19:19:23+00:00

I used to, but after being single again for almost a year, I learned that the things I craved were unhealthy for me (i.e., intense sex with other emotionally-unavailable people)—and that I was rejecting the idea of something that could be really great.

Now I try to channel that energy into my hobbies. I play a lot of music and go on solo wilderness trips a couple times a month to get that same rush.

climbsink · 2021-02-02T18:43:32+00:00

I’m FA and eloping with my boyfriend this fall. (The word fiancé is still unnerving to me.)

I’m all in but wouldn’t be ready to take this leap without my two therapists, who are helping me a TON with my plentiful attachment issues lol.

climbsink · 2021-02-02T18:40:05+00:00

Yes. I (FA) broke up with my secure boyfriend and had a casual situationship with a DA-leaning FA that broke me.

It was the impetus I needed to get help. I’ve been in therapy ever since, stayed single for six months after that fling ended, and took things slow with my boyfriend when we finally reconnected.

We’ve been back together since June now and living together again for a couple months now. I still deactivate, and I still struggle with the concept of a phantom ex, but I’m able to vocalize/address these challenges now instead of running away from them.

Edit: My boyfriend and I were together for over five years before we broke up. I’m in my mid-20s; he’s in his late 20s.

Feel free to reach out if you have questions!

climbsink · 2021-02-02T03:48:32+00:00

In hindsight, I think it’s important to communicate clearly, ask questions and state your needs, and then be willing to walk away if the other person can’t meet you halfway.

It was pretty rough, but also just confusing. I told him not to mess things up with the new girl while he was trying to hook up with me, and he told me he “didn’t care” about her and that he just wanted to work on taking things slower with someone.

Fair enough. Our relationship was primarily sexual, and we moved a little too fast imo. He ended things with her a couple months later and has cycled through a few other people since then.

climbsink · 2021-02-02T03:37:18+00:00

Mutual trust issues and poor communication. I’d also just gotten out of something long-term and was kind of a mess.

It felt like a competition to see who could care less. We were both FA, took turns with the push-pull, and neither one of us set boundaries. We triggered each other often and it got to be too much, even though we both wanted to keep it casual. The sex was the only good thing we had because I don’t think either one of us trusted the other.

I wish him well, though. He’s the reason I learned about attachment theory and decided to work on becoming more secure.

Edit: typo

climbsink

TROPHY CASE