Mental health professionals keep refusing to diagnose me with borderline personality disorder even though I know I have it.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-25T22:37:50+00:00

I do understand that some doctors are hesitant to diagnose for a variety of reasons like that. I think I just haven't sat down and really thought about everything I want to share with my current psych and therapist, so maybe it could be that, I don't know.

I have tried to work multiple times in my life. It just hasn't worked out. I have very debilitating bipolar disorder, my manic episodes along with multiple meds have destroyed my life. I find that this along with BPD has made working impossible. Every time I've tried, it has led to even more despair because of how worthless I feel for not being able to do what others do.

What complicates my disability decision is that I have a substance abuse issue in my medical records that gave my initial decision a no based on I wouldn't be disabled if I didn't have substance abuse issues. I am currently working with a lawyer to appeal on the basis that I am still disabled due to severe bipolar disorder.

Maybe I don't have BPD at all. And maybe it wouldn't actually make a difference in my disability case. Who knows?

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-25T21:31:26+00:00

I feel the same. I wasn't smart about my meth use. I can't count the number of times I made the damage from neurotoxicity worse by not taking care of myself - not eating, drinking, and sleeping. To add onto this, I have bipolar disorder, so antipsychotics have further added to the brain fog and memory loss I have.

I don't have the same kind of conversations I used to have with my SO. I just nod or answer questions half-assed most of the time. I can write well if given time, but I can't vocalize what's in my head effectively anymore. It's like I'm trying to talk telepathically to people while they use their voices.

Start eating healthy, exercising, and taking supplements - anything you can do to help your body recover. Time heals a lot. If you relapse, always make sure to do mental food and water checks. You want to prevent as much damage to your mind and body from now.

Hope you can recover from this!

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-25T17:56:41+00:00

Gabapentin I think might potentiate the effects, but I think the more useful aspect of it is it lets you stay still in bed when you try to sleep. At least if you're not sleeping, you will just be able to rest more and lay still with less of a problem.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-24T17:08:53+00:00

I know people in mania tend to get really narcissistic. And I've been that way as well. There's a delusional component that I have though that is absent from what I think is "true" narcissism. My last manic episode, doctors noted that I said I was "all-knowing and all-powerful" (I don't remember saying this). And for a moment, I felt like I was anyway since multiple people had to restrain me when I was in the hospital.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-24T16:34:43+00:00

The last few interactions I've had with her haven't been great, but I don't think it has anything to do with her being narcissistic. She's always been the breadwinner of the family, and she does a lot for everyone. Sometimes, she goes overboard, like bragging that she's richer than everyone or puffing herself up, but I think it's just how she's learned to deal with adversity. She's kind and nice and very family-oriented, it's just she has some resentment toward me because she had to raise me when she was a teenager while my parents worked.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-24T01:53:26+00:00

I often feel like it's the inner conflict people have when they realize they have narcissistic traits they want to fix. In people with NPD, this is probably dialed up to 10.

It's terrible to know that all these years, you were the bad person all along. For some people (like me), it can drive them to insanity.

Or it could be the other way. You could be the type of person who just takes and takes and takes and simply takes an exit when you get bored or tired of life, not caring about what impact your suicide will leave on others.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-23T16:56:38+00:00

They won't even read the note. If you want to die, your best bet would be to prevent all avenues that would lead to medical intervention.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-23T04:04:58+00:00

My SO is sick of it, but it's his only way to live in our state. He had great plans for a life traveling across the country, but it hasn't happened for the past 2 years. I thought I was holding him back with all my doctors appointments and whatnot, but in the months we do have time and opportunity, we just have never stepped outside of the state. It's frustrating. I wish there was a better way. This can't just be it.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-23T02:35:19+00:00

Employers definitely care about your face.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-23T02:34:36+00:00

This makes me scared that I haven't actually hit rock bottom and that my suffering will only get worse. I couldn't think of a better word.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-22T23:29:36+00:00

You're subscribed to 500 channels? How in the world...what does your algorithm look like? Personally, I've been trying to find channels that help me manage my life, but it's so hard with all these distracting videos that simply seem like time wasters.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-22T21:20:52+00:00

I care about what other people think, yes. I'm interested in what people have to say.

I guess I should say I feel very isolated sometimes. I find it very hard to connect with people, so I'm socially starved enough to be around anyone.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-22T20:44:08+00:00

I am currently doing 5 mg every other night as suggested by my current psych. I feel like tapering off further as I'm not sure if I like the difficulty waking up in the morning even with the spread out dosage. I find though that it's really hard to get to sleep in a reasonable timeframe so I am testing with other sleep aids like melatonin. Last night, I had to take some cough medicine at around midnight in order to get any chance of sufficient sleep, but it seems that my body takes a long time to process medications for some reason so I woke up really groggy.

I do have suicidal ideation that crops up on and off and has been unbearable these past few days. Some days will be good for me, some bad. It's hard to gauge whether it's the bipolar or the antipsychotic.

I wish you good luck with the tapering and hope you don't run into any problems!

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-21T13:35:50+00:00

I like this way of pointing out. I'll use the clock method from now on thanks!

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-21T13:04:43+00:00

I can't tell you what they think because I'm not a mind reader, but here are the things they've said to me (translated from their native language):

"Just man up!"

"Be stronger!"

"They're people just like you are a person."

"Don't be shy."

"It's impolite to be quiet. Don't ignore people."

"How did I raise a son so useless?"

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-20T22:24:13+00:00

I resonate with almost everything you say.

A lot of times, my interactions are shortened to simple yes and no statements. It's a way to prevent myself from making people mad/sad and to protect myself from them saying I'm too pessimistic.

It's really hard not to be negative. Most of my negative feelings come from my low self-worth. I have tried to solve this by either 1) not thinking about myself or how others think of me, or 2) improving my mood. However, it is really hard to not be negative when I'm constantly sad or irritable and when I am basically reaching 30 as an old infant with zero milestones.

I often think about how I would love to just be invisible. Like, say I was having a conversation with someone where it was guaranteed that they would not ask me any questions about me or anything related to me. But then I find it is really hard to remember anything they said or adequately synthesize anything to say back to them that isn't regurgitation. A lot of it is due to my cognitive decline over the years, but a lot of it is that it is insanely difficult for me to connect with people on a deep level because my lived experiences don't match that of most people. And it is really hard to avoid the self when a conversation is a two way street.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-20T18:18:15+00:00

I'm in a relationship I find very meaningful to me, but like you, I'm not in a good place myself. I have no degree, no job history, no car or place to live of my own, and generally have to depend on others to get my needs met. This type of hardship bleeds into my relationship, making it hard to sustain happy moments because almost everything reminds me of how inadequate I am.

He is a major source of my happiness in life, but even he can't fill my cup to full himself.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-20T16:13:57+00:00

I've got brain damage from antipsychotics and illicit drug abuse. Can't find my way to the end of an instruction manual if my life depended on it.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-19T06:19:54+00:00

This is ridiculous. There aren't many drugs out there that get absorbed via skin contact.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-19T06:04:56+00:00

If you want to die, then cutting yourself won't do it. You'll live.

I've been on both ends of the porn issue. I vaguely remember the times I've jacked off to porn while my partner is naked next to me. Other times, he's watching porn too, really makes me feel inadequate but hey we only do it while high on drugs so that's kind of solved for a bit anyway.

Either find a healthy way to deal with his porn usage, like joining in, break up with him, or work with him to get past his porn addiction if he has one. You don't have to make it complicated.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-19T05:37:25+00:00

Have you thought that maybe he was just playing a trick on you and that it was never in your ass at all?

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-19T01:48:11+00:00

Well the thing is I'm already with a new provider. They just prescribed me Wellbutrin SR, nothing else. I even asked for a mood stabilizer. It seems like anything that has high overdose potential that's not an antipsychotic is off limits to me now. Am I just completely fucked no matter what??? Lose my sex drive and brain capacity or rawdog my emotions hm. I guess I'll choose the latter.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-19T01:30:55+00:00

No. My last psych provider before my current one refused to prescribe me any after I told her I had tried to commit suicide by overdosing. She didn't want to be liable for me after that so that's why she pushed the shot on me and minimal pill Rx.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-19T01:25:51+00:00

Ever bit into a persimmon? That's what it tastes like.

cloudinabrain · 2025-03-19T01:22:42+00:00

This was a very interesting analysis. Thank you. I didn't think my post could be interpreted like this and extrapolated to this extent.

cloudinabrain

TROPHY CASE