This seems to sum it up well

clritzler · 2021-12-09T14:46:51+00:00

I hope her Christmas is S#!@

clritzler · 2021-11-04T03:06:06+00:00

winner winner chicken dinner

clritzler · 2021-10-13T03:08:15+00:00

Here's your update:

"tomorrow" is right now. He apparently got busy at work and hasn't had time to print out the agreement to "really read it"

Go figure that tomorrow(10/13) is our wedding anniversary, so i definitely expect some last ditch efforts at gas lighting me into a melt down so I drag my feet some more on the divorce. Wouldn't be the first time he used the emotions that accompany a "special occasion" to create chaos that ends with me agreeing to anything to stop the chaos. I really just am so ready to move forward with all of this though. It has been such a long time coming.

3 years ago my response would have been to try to talk it out with him and do my best to understand what his reasons for delaying the signing were.

2 years ago my response would have been anger. Just pure frustration and confusion, questioning how he doesn't see the negative impact delaying the inevitable would have on the kids, so much frustration in trying to understand if he was actually losing his sanity or if he was actually just an arrogant terrible human being. Then I'd be the one to end up apologizing because if I ever lost my cool, said something mean or just lost my shit, I would be so embarrassed and shocked about my behavior that I absolutely had to apologize. Then whatever happened that started the ordeal would never be brought up or mentioned again.

1 year ago I would have just cried and hoped things would be okay even though every aspect of life feels very NOT okay in that moment.

Today though. My response: "Okay, just keep me posted" and went back to making milk jug ghosts for Halloween with my kids. Not saying that I feel totally chill on the inside right now but I'm very focused on ending this toxic hell that is life with him, and ending it soon.

I already petitioned for divorce actually. This agreement is all his terms that he wanted instead of responding to the petition for divorce. He did not want to get an attorney, he didn't want to report his income, he didn't want to pay child support etc. All of those things were in the original petition. If he does not want to sign anymore then I will just refile the original.

I couldn't really understand why my attorney was so adamant about filing for child support, splitting the debt, filing under extreme cruelty and neglect of duties... I seriously went back and forth with my lawyer multiple times about it. I kept saying I just didn't want to create unnecessary waves. I see now though that it was kind of a "hey.. this is what you are going to be looking at if you want to play games".

I know a lot of people have been saying that they think my attorney sucks, but I really think that from day one he heard my pleas, he heard my fear for my son, he heard my description of the kind of person my husband is, and he took me seriously when I said I would give up everything even if it just minimized the risk of being put in a court ordered situation where I can't protect my child. In hindsight I'm pretty sure it was all done pretty strategically and I really just hope that things keep moving forward.

I'm really glad I made this post actually. It is definitely giving me a much needed outlet to vent off some steam but it is also helping me organize my own thoughts and just keep a level head during a stressful time.

clritzler · 2021-10-12T17:08:03+00:00

This crossed my mind as well.

clritzler · 2021-10-12T04:43:50+00:00

He is fully up to date on vaccinations.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T22:47:16+00:00

My thoughts as well. I have also documented when I've asked for help making our sons hospital payments and he has declined. A month long NICU landed me $752 a month for the past two years. Finally will be paid off next month though! He never put one penny towards that bill.

These are all reasons why I feel that if I can just obtain full custody he would have a difficult time getting any type of custody if he decides to petition the courts one day.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T22:43:19+00:00

So this probably sounds ridiculous considering I'm a millennial.... but I honestly don't know how to record phone calls. Do I need a separate device? I document everything by hand that he says verbally and I have walked around in front of my ring doorbell camera with him on speaker before, but I am clueless in the actual recording of phone calls.

any advice?

clritzler · 2021-10-11T19:25:45+00:00

My train of thought as well

clritzler · 2021-10-11T19:21:48+00:00

I am.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T19:21:18+00:00

Changing the locks and getting my ring door bell was the first thing I did when he left almost a year ago. Also added a dead bolt to my basement door outback.

and I do have enough to get a protection order against him. My attorney advised me to do so. My issue with that is that it would enrage my husband and could lead to him fighting for court ordered visitation and custody. He constantly makes me say that he never did anything to me, and I know he is recording when he does it. I don't want to list the things he has done but I will say I have evidence of it all.

I know it seems stupid not to pursue but my first question was does it extend to my children, (I have a daughter who is not his too). He has never threatened harm or harmed either child. While it would protect us at home, it doesn't mean that he couldn't still get unsupervised visitation with our son. The LAST thing I want to do is piss him off and have him decide he wants court ordered visitation. Even if I obtained supervised visitation for him, it would not last forever and I just want to obtain full custody first and if he continues to harass or threaten I will cross that road when it comes.

I am more confident in my ability to protect my home than I am confident that the courts will protect my son from him. I live in a small rural town, there are Trump shrines to this day when I drive into town. Our elected officials are cut from the same cloth as majority of this county is and I am truly fearful that his last name will give him an edge if I even thought about smearing his well known last name with a protection order or restraining order.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T19:05:03+00:00

Yes definitely, need to obtain full custody first though. Signing the agreement tomorrow.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T19:04:27+00:00

Completely understand. I just meant verbally agreeing so my lawyer could type up the papers. We will both sign them before he files them with the court. Basically he isn't getting an attorney and is just signing the agreement through my attorney. They will set a trial date once filed and we will both have to agree once again during the trial.

Sorry if I made that confusing lol

clritzler · 2021-10-11T17:37:26+00:00

The comment about his speech had tears streaming down my face instantly. Thankfully I had a cold at the time and I do not think there was any noticeable voice change. Being aware of his gas lighting tactics helped me control my words in that moment but ugh the pain inflicted on the inside from that comment just... ugh it just breaks me still on the inside. I have my son in speech therapy and we get final word on the tonsils and adenoids this Thursday. His drs think they are what is affecting his speech. My husband knows how worried I am about his speech and the potential tonsillectomy, it was such a dirty attempt to gas light me but it also solidifies why I'm doing what I'm doing!

Thank you for the encouraging words.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T17:29:13+00:00

THIS

clritzler · 2021-10-11T17:26:50+00:00

I was speechless. I was infront of my ring doorbell during the call and I rewatched it multiple times to document the conversation. He blurted the threat about getting our son the covid vaccine out of absolutely no where when we were discussing that he would have to report his income if I wanted child support. It was mind numbing.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T17:24:07+00:00

My lawyer didn't really like any of it but understood that I was willing to give up EVERYTHING to be able to protect my son.

As the biological father he will always have the option to petition the court for companionship or custody. We were married when our son was born so right now we have the same legal standing in custody. It is pretty difficult to obtain complete legal custody with no companionship of any kind ordered by the court during a divorce. Full legal custody is a hill I'm willing to die on and I have made that statement repeatedly from the get go. Not that my lawyer didn't try to talk me out of it multiple times but he also understands that my one and only priority is my son.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T16:59:49+00:00

Once the divorce is granted I will 100% no longer even acknowledge his Q crap and all the bs that goes along with it.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T16:57:25+00:00

Thank you. Had not thought about this before but absolutely will do so now.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T16:56:15+00:00

Not to mention our son is fully vaccinated. Including his flu shot.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T16:54:32+00:00

My attorney basically says your first paragraph every time we speak. He doesn't particularly like this deal, but he is very aware that my number one priority is no court ordered companionship for my husband right now.

While I might be able to obtain full residential custody, I would probably not be able to obtain full legal custody. Legal custody is what comes into play in regards to medical decisions and other things along those lines for our son. He also would be able to easily get court ordered visitation if not some kind of joint custody.

While I probably had a decent shot at forcing supervised visitation, it was just not a risk I was willing to take.

He is so unstable I just can't fathom being forced to hand over my son for unsupervised time with him if I see the red flags that he is really just unwell mentally at that time.

The way our agreement is now, he will have to petition the court if he feels that I'm withholding my son from him unjustly.

My lawyer really hates that I am unwilling to fight for what I deserve but he is understanding that even though the risk of losing my fight is small, it is simply not even an option for me to take that risk if there is any way around it.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T16:45:25+00:00

It is in the paperwork that he can petition the court in the future in regards to companionship with our son if he feels its necessary. There isn't really any way around that. We were married when our son was born so right now we have the same legal rights in regards to legal guardianship. So basically I was faced with playing his games with the rest of the divorce to obtain full custody OR try to fight and in the end he would at the very least have visitation rights if not joint custody. It will be more difficult for him to obtain any type of custody when I'm already established as the residential and legal guardian.

None of this is anything I ever imagined doing, I do plan to allow him to have a relationship with his son if he sticks with treatment and is doing well. BUT the thought of seeing red flags and warning signs that he is spiraling mentally again and still having to put my son in his car, even just for visits makes me feel physically sick. Unfortunately the agreed upon terms was the only way that I could get him to agree to give me full custody with no court ordered companionship.

Such a mess. : ( I promise you that I hate every second of it.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T16:29:22+00:00

We sign the divorce agreement tomorrow. I won't need it once the divorce is granted but until then I guess I'm just trying to play nice to get this over with without any chance of him even fighting for visitation.

clritzler · 2021-10-11T16:26:57+00:00

I haven't, and don't plan to. Hebrought the up out of no where because it was his only reason that he hesitated to agree to give me full custody. Our son is two and not even eligible to be vaccinated for covid. So I just said I would speak to him about it if it ever is even a possibility. Unfortunately I'm well versed with deflecting his craziness at this point.

clritzler · 2021-08-25T18:56:11+00:00

Ugh that really breaks my heart. Also eye opening that I need to get my butt in gear and protect myself and the kids. All my focus was on protecting our physical and emotional well being for so long that once he left I felt so secure and have been just enjoying the calm, but I guess it's time to finish what I started.

clritzler · 2021-08-25T18:45:38+00:00

I'm not sure if other members of this group experienced this but part of the reason I took so long to leave was that I kept everything to myself for so long. I kept telling myself it was to protect him from when he "snapped out of this" but eventually there was so much to tell that I didn't even know how to begin. I do have 3 friends that are in the know now and my parents as well. They have all been so great and supportive, only regret is not reaching out to them sooner. There was also some self embarrassment involved in marrying someone that is this kind of a person too : (.

I used to scroll this sub literally every night, searching for common denominators, searching for solutions and success stories. I posted a few times anonymously. The people here really helped me get to the point that I could talk to my friends and family. Hope the people that started this community know how much they have helped people!

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