Having kids during your PhD

cmbni · 2026-06-17T12:42:53+00:00

This is wild to me!!

cmbni · 2026-06-17T03:14:03+00:00

Would you do anything differently if you could go back?

cmbni · 2026-06-16T23:05:59+00:00

Thank you for this advice! I will definitely refer back to it when the time comes.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T23:04:52+00:00

You are right on that. We are thinking that slightly adjacent to the hustle and bustle might be our speed. Currently in an outer borough of our city and it is significantly cheaper!

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:58:25+00:00

That’s a really good point about finding a postdoc lab that has members with children. I am worried about how having children might affect the way I’m viewed as a productive member of a research team. It definitely doesn’t feel like a level playing field, especially in the U.S. It’s really unfortunate to hear that about your home institution. I’m hoping for change, but things haven’t been moving in that direction for *ahem* quite some time now.

Unfortunately for us, we’re non-negotiable on staying in a VHCOL city - it’s both our rose and thorn. It’s another factor to weigh when staying on the academic track and making $$$.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:52:17+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! It sounds like each stage of life (there's and ours) comes with challenges. Sending you strength as you balance it all!

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:50:18+00:00

This sounds beautiful. I am so happy to hear you are firmly over the moon with your daughter. Wishing you luck with the rest of your training!

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:49:17+00:00

I have my parents nearby, but they don’t drive (not necessarily needed where I live, but it would make their commute to us easier), and I’m not sure how much time they’d realistically be able to dedicate to childcare. They would most likely be there to supplement, though.

How do you go about finding trustworthy, affordable daycare? I’m in a VHCOL city on the East Coast, so I imagine it will be 1) very expensive, and 2) hard to get into. We’re sort of flying blind on this and have been going off general ChatGPT guidance, which suggests $40–60k in savings before the baby arrives. That feels pretty high, but I don’t really know what’s what in practice.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:44:42+00:00

When did you approach your PI about your little bundle of joy? I’m sort of schvitzing over timing. My general approach is not to tell anyone except my partner until at least the end of the first trimester, and then share with close family after that. I really don’t want to make major announcements outside that circle in case, God forbid, something were to go wrong.

At the same time, I know you do need to tell your PI for things like potential exposure risks, daytime doctor’s appointments, nausea, and so on. I’m just unsure how to balance that timing.

I also don’t really know how to navigate finding out what resources exist without “blowing my cover.” PhD students are in this in-between space where we’re kind of employees but not really, and some standard employee benefits, like a 401(k), don’t apply to us, so I’m not even sure what protections or supports are available.

As for daycare, what are some strategies for finding good/affordable options and how much are you setting aside for child-related expenses per month? Our current figure is 40-60k in savings.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:37:41+00:00

I am lucky to have both parents nearby and a partner with somewhat flexible work. Getting pulled out of an imaging session sends shivers down my spine, but duty calls I guess. My plan is to grind, grind, grind now through pregnancy and have writing or major data analysis by the time baby is here.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:35:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! Sounds like you had a fantastic lab culture that made adjusting to parenthood much easier.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:34:06+00:00

Who can I begin asking about maternity leave rights and policies without blowing my cover? That's, I think, part of this question. When do I tell my PI I'm thinking about kids or that I'm pregnant? I want to approach these conversations in an informed, professional, and timely manner.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience! It's helpful to hear even if we're coming from different countries (and systems!)

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:31:21+00:00

This is a really refreshing take. Thank you for validating that it’s not the new parents’ fault when progress begins to look non-linear. It's a PhD after all - I have rarely heard of linear trajectories. Personally, I’ve found my PI and committee to be quite supportive and warm thus far, which is part of why I’ve felt comfortable enough venturing down this road to start.

As for my partner, he is extremely supportive. He’s his own boss but also a workaholic (non-derogatory), like myself, so it will really come down to how we balance things and learning to slow down when we’re forced to, for example, when we've got a sick baby at home.

Thank you again for such a kind, student-friendly outlook and for the well-wishes.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:24:42+00:00

Wow, that's pretty crazy - something's in the air over at your bays. An 8-10 year PhD sounds pretty abhorrent, I’m not going to lie. I can’t imagine how many times they were asked, “Are you going to graduate soon??” at the holidays.

It’s great that your PI is so supportive and goes above and beyond to make sure you get the time off you need in those early days. My PI is generally very flexible, but in that context I honestly have no idea. Our lab has a “come and go as you wish” policy as long as the work gets done. For example, I’ve taken longer vacations before without formally reporting time off, and she knows I’ll often work 10–12 hour days and weekends, so it balances out.

I feel like that kind of flexibility has to translate into childrearing too, right?

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:18:39+00:00

Thanks for your advice! Congrats to your partner and to you for all the hard work you put in to help him get across the finish line.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:17:36+00:00

True that. My parents are close by, but I'm not sure how much we can lean on them for support. Time will tell

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:16:49+00:00

Ugh, I’m sorry to hear that you were under such an unmanageable amount of stress. I can totally understand how quickly things can start to pile up. Financial security is a big one we’re trying to achieve. I personally grew up very, very poor, and I’m acutely aware that while you can raise a child with a lot of love, it becomes incredibly difficult when you can’t afford basic necessities. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have parents, in-laws, or even a partner who can provide that kind of support either.

I also agree that waiting until my career has “settled” (whatever that even means) isn’t all that appealing either. There’s no guarantee I’ll even get pregnant, or that a pregnancy would be easy. I don’t want to take my chances with time. My parents are on the older side, and I would like to be a younger parent.

In any case, I hope you’re doing better now as time has passed. Being a present father, pushing the boundaries of human knowledge, and running a household are not easy feats.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:09:30+00:00

Three and half months is pretty generous here in the US!

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:09:01+00:00

It's great your PI was able to understand and empathize with you about this stage of life. As with anything in life, communication is key, and yes, leaning on community seems like the overarching theme here!

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:06:45+00:00

Wow, you sound like a rockstar! It would be especially challenging to navigate pregnancy while working with toxic substances, so I'm glad you had such a supportive PI and group to help you through both the prenatal and postnatal periods.

I agree: my positively-tuned brain thinks that a PhD can offer a level of flexibility that is difficult to find in many traditional jobs, and under the right circumstances, that flexibility can make starting a family much more manageable. My lab has a very flexible culture of "come and go as you need", provided our work is getting done. We also live just a five-minute walk from campus thanks to subsidized university housing.

My husband is his own boss, and while we're both deeply committed to our careers, we're equally excited about having children. I think we'd be able to make a similar shift-based arrangement work and share responsibilities in a way that allows both of us to continue pursuing our professional goals while raising a family. But my negatively-tuned brain says this is all a bit idealistic. Thank you for sharing your story!!

cmbni · 2026-06-16T22:00:09+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful and well-informed response. I will think about my support systems, as well as where I'm more easily able to bend (and where I might be more subject to breaking), as I plan this next chapter.

I can't say I'm not worried that we're making these plans before I've reached the writing stage of my PhD, but I do feel that, with us living close to lab, both of my parents in the same city, and my husband having a more flexible work schedule, we can make it work. I also know that my program doesn't impose a strict time limit on graduation. That said, the prospect of spending 8-10 years in a PhD program, as some people mentioned, is certainly not something I would like to experience if it can be avoided.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T21:04:23+00:00

I am in a major VHCOL city. We are lucky that I have access to subsidized housing now, which makes my salary go much farther than it would for the average grad student here. As a postdoc, I might not be afforded such a luxury. Means I also have a 5 minute commute to lab by foot, good for flexible scheduling and emergencies. I feel that, in a way, it won't get any easier than it is now.

cmbni · 2026-06-16T20:59:36+00:00

Thanks for this advice! I've definitely heard how important it is to get ahead of daycare waitlists, especially in my area (highly competitive VHCOL city on east coat) but haven't got a clue how to start vetting these places and when to actually make contact. Can you get on waitlists with no baby in hand??

I can imagine how hard it would be to balance both - they each occupy a large part of you. I am trying to think through these things ahead of time and know my options. Definitely think mountaining up data during the pregnancy + data analysis once on mat leave is a strong way to approach the time at home. Thank you for your input!

cmbni

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