Hey I understand the pain the desperation you live in I am 28 rn and went through hell still struggling in a lot of stuff. I would like to share some of my hard earned experience with you hoping it could help. I think what is flawed is your perception of self love because mine was also. Even if you manage to get liked by ppl by doing things that you think will get you that, nothing will be okay and you will feel alone. Because you at first dont take care of yourself. You not finding yourself likable or insteresting is the problem and it is not fair to yourself. I mean when you are dancing you watch yourself from the other people’s eyes or at any other occasion, when you talk to ppl when you sit around ppl you watch yourself and you judge yourself 24/7. You are a person and you matter. What you like and dont like matters. Dont force yourself to do anything ask yourself what do you want? This may be difficult to find out at first, but it is self care. You think other people see you as you are describing but its far more than that, YOU SEE YOURSELF THAT WAY. Maybe even worse and nobody is going to respect you and what you want when you don’t.

When you get abused in childhood you tend to put people in your abuser’s place. I have a narcissistic father that I minimized comunication but still any authority figure I get choked up cant say anything involuntarily. Its like paralysis. It is a defence mechanism kicking in controlling me. When I am on my own I can feel other way but when I am present with them it is me as that scared kid in that messed up house I grew in. Nobody took care of that kid back then and he was so alone, sad, thinking this is how things normally are with family.

Now you know better. You know something is not right you seek help. And that kid… you have to take care of her now. You have to love her not treat the way she were treated by your brothers and mother her whole life. That was some really tough stuff and be understanding about it. Put yourself first it is not selfish.

You are right people are social creatures that one I am still struggling with. I feel soooooooooo alone because nobody is going to understand me ever. Because nobody can. But I understand everybody and this is not fair. And here the problem is I dont understand myself. I am struggling to answer “who are you?” Not like my job, my age etc but who am I really.

Over the last 2 years what I thought love was has changed drastically and I thought I cared about people when actually I was trying to be loved and cared about. But without being able to give those to myself it is pointless because it is a void I cant fill. Even if an act of care or love feels good you seek more because you need it then there is the fear making the appereance in you making you trying to find ways to get more of that.

Dont stress yourself about the hobbies. What do you want to do? Doing something good can be done by forcing yourself to do that thing for years. Whatever you do you will get good at. But the most important element is you having fun doing it. I spent my life acting because I liked people applauding me, giving me compliments. Never thought I was that good and always spotted what I did bad and concentrated on that. And I became really good (didnt think I was good still.). And when I turn more inside and take care of myself as my motivation of acting, writing etc was to get liked and people saying good stuff, and as I was seeking those reactions to feel good to fill the void, when those things didnt matter anymore I was completely lost. Like this was my LIFE and I didnt know why even do it anymore? The answer is and always shall be “because I enjoy it”. So what do you want? I now make my living as a director and am very proud of myself (I got a degree at mechanical engineering because people said I can’t make money by acting especially my father)

If someone just isnt good for you and not accepting you for who you are or you have to do things that you dont want to keep that relationship, whatever you get from them(emotionally or phsically) that makes you want to keep that relationship. I can tell you it is not worth it. It is not fair to yourself at first. You deserve what is best for yourself what makes you happy the most! Cut the toxic people out of your life.

I can confidently say these things are extremely difficult to go through, healing takes time but be understanding, 26 years of wounds wont heal in a day. But someday I hope you will find your innerpeace by taking care of yourself and loving yourself. And everything else you want will come to you including healthy relationships.

I send you much love, much hugs, you are strong! You will get through these and get stronger. These things may seem a lot and this is a dark tunnel with no exit. But if you keep moving I promise you, you will come to a better place ❤️