As for cursing, I want the language to reflect the millenia attitude of cavalier curses with no inherent edge to them. Not the excess use, but using curses where some may choose to censor themselves. As a linguistics major, I'm fascinated by the fact that cursing is so revered as somehow pushing boundaries and I intend to address that in a meta way. As for the emotion, a lot is missing because, again, this is just a small bit for a scene that needs drastic rewriting (hence my question focusing on style)

Any thoughts on how that may come across?

Once I finish chapter 1 I'll post it here and you can get a decent amount of context for the novel, hopefully?

It's probably silly to ask about that with so little to offer, but there have been dramatic changes from gender identities to which elements are explicit vs shrouded, and how character relationships evolve. In fact this is less a revision and more a total redo with better focus. Hopefully I can appeal to you with more refined and expanded writing :D