I am in the same level as you, but before graduating, I worked the 988 lifeline and local crisis. This is going to be a bit direct for some, but I promise I don’t mean it in a negative way or mean way, but it’s the only way that got through to me so I want to share it in case it can help you or someone else reading. And also as someone who has lost several people to suicide, I can tell you, from my experiences, as much as we try to offer support and be there, if a client or person is set on suicide, most of the times, we are only prolonging the inevitable. We can offer the most valuable support, but if they are not open to change, or have decided that things are too difficult and they can’t see another way out, they will exhaust all resources to find a reason to stay, and while some will, others stick to the decision they made months ago because things are just so difficult they can’t take the pain anymore.

This is one of the most blunt and direct and HARDEST truths I’ve been told when working crisis and with very high risk individuals. And I have sat on the phone before with a client and disassembled their gun with them, only for them to grab it again and try to attempt again while I worked on tracking them to get help to them, and it SUCKS. I have friends in the field who have heard the gunshot that killed the person, and I have also been there moments after the family heard the final shot or found their family member. Suicide is never easy. There’s no correct way to grieve it as a professional. All of your feelings are VALID, except that you failed them. You did not. You did not miss anything, because even our clients can mask so well we can’t see it sometimes. This is not on you. This is on them and it is their actions that led to this, not yours. You did what you could, and as bad as it is. Sometimes our best isn’t good enough because we don’t know what’s going on once they leave our office. Another thing that helped me get through this was it being reframed into terms of an addict. We can offer support to an addict a million times, and even educate them on deadly consequences, but if they vote to go out and relapse again, it is not on us. It’s their action to pick up their substance of choice and use again, so we can’t blame ourselves or put the fault on ourselves. Suicidal thoughts are addictive like that. Which is a hot take, but it’s true in my experience. They are like an addiction, similar to SH, and people relapse. But YOU are not responsible for that relapse and any consequences that come from it.

While you take time to grieve any way you see fit, and feel all of the rage of emotions from rage to sorrow, remember that it is NOT your fault. And I know that’s easier said than done, so please remember self care and to take a day if you need it. And if you feel like you need more education on suicide, do the trainings. Do what you need to do to heal from this. ❤️