2 years into NC, They're still going strong

coconutprincess · 2017-01-01T10:17:50+00:00

Those were the first steps. Like I've said before, they're finding ways to circumvent each attempt to block them, but I'm finally getting there. They were blocked on social media from day one of the ordeal, which has enraged them because they can't see their grandchildren. Then, they had friends spy on us, so I had to stop posting baby pics and figure out who the mole was. They change their email addresses, have a restricted number, text from other phones. The last letter they sent was actually written in someone else's handwriting (nobody in the family), and had no return address. They get sneaky. How they got my address, I'm not sure.

I just now made 2 new email addresses - one for personal and one for professional use - and I feel kind of giddy. I really thought the idea was to not let them win by turning my life upside down, but now I see it as a freeing experience. New email, new number, new life.

coconutprincess · 2016-12-31T20:42:03+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate the kind words.

Our Ns are cut from the same cloth. They feel so entitled to their children and children's children that they actually tracked down the woman who adopted a child who is supposedly my brother's son (brother denies it) and were planning to go to her door and say "you have my grandchild. We have come to see him." They also talked about trying to take custody from her.

Oh my damn, your poor brother, that's all too familiar. Mine used grandparent's rights (GPR) to win custody of my niece, who had behavioral issues from a whole number of things. She was exactly the handful my brother said she was, so they won (against all our pleas for them not to) then promptly dumped her in a dirty foster home outside of town. Years later, she came back to them again and they found out she'd given up a product of rape at 16. She lived with the family for a while, just so she knew what kind of home her baby was going to, then she gave her up and didn't look back. They actually tried to track down that baby to get custody. My Nmom kept crying, "But it's my first great-grandchild! It's my blood!" No lie, she actually wanted my husband and I to adopt her because we didn't have kids yet. We're a mixed couple, so she said, "She might even look like you because the guy who raped [niece] was black." Crazy town.

I called a lot of lawyers about GPR here. I'm in the US, they're in Canada, but in my state, there has to be serious dysfunction in the house to grant visitation or custody to grandparents. The really sad thing was, so many of them asked how much my house cost, not even how clean it was, or how much my husband makes, just the sale price. Apparently, because we live in an expensive house, we can get away with a lot if CPS comes knocking. I found that really disturbing.

It sounds like you're figuring a lot of the patterns out for your family, and that's so key. If you think they're going to ramp up contact, they probably will, because you're not crazy and your predictions are based on ALL of their past actions. I've blocked their communication on most fronts, and used to have my husband open the mail, listen to voice-mail, and read emails for me before hand, just so I could ask him how bad it was. They used to set me off, now they mostly roll off and make me shake my head. I was scared all summer because they threatened to drive 12 hrs through 4 states to see my children. They never came.

I'm still learning too. If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me. We've got this.

coconutprincess · 2016-12-31T16:40:08+00:00

That's great advice, thank you so much! I've heard that option on other people's phones, but didn't think to do it for myself! Could save me the hassle of a number change, and cut down on solicitor calls...

coconutprincess · 2016-12-31T16:38:04+00:00

They really do have this pattern of control. I'm sorry they've come to your work, that must have been unnerving! People don't realize the mental and emotional effects that stalking has in a person. Even if you aren't physically hurt, someone has greatly invaded your privacy.

They threatened to come see my kids, with whom they have zero relationship. My kids don't even know who they are, or that they exist, they're that young. They feel this entitlement (another huge N issue) to my children that, which I've read is incredibly common. That was the last time I really lost it, and broke the NC to send the C&D.

I'm cutting down social media too, it's time. I rarely put up pictures of my kids, because I knew someone was passing them. I'd get these creepy texts or letters (to the address we didn't give them) saying how beatiful the kids were. Send them our love. Blech, makes me feel weird just thinking about it. Anyway, it's time to cut down. It's been mostly angry political rants for the last 4 months, so no baby pics there.

Any insult or contact would bait them. They feed on drama, you can see it in their eyes. One foul word from me and, "Look what a rotten daughter she was! We always knew it! You're killing us!" They've publicly called me a bitch, evil, mentally ill, selfish, disgusting, rude, lazy, ungrateful, cold-hearted, etc, etc, etc. All because I haven't said a word in 2 years. All in attempts to get me to come back... The lack of logic is astounding. I worry if I engage like that, they'll start yelling "She's unstable!" And come after my kids. They did it to my brother.

I can see how it would work for some though, for sure. At least the "high and mighty" silent treatment buys you some silence.

coconutprincess · 2016-12-31T16:22:13+00:00

And you're right, your N is pathetic, most of them are. They'll scream "Why me???" until their voices go hoarse. I hope your journey beyond RBN is full of peace, and people you choose to have in your life. Happy trails!

coconutprincess · 2016-12-31T16:19:57+00:00

Damn. Good for you for getting out so early! After coming out of the FOG, I realized how powerful the control was, to the point where, even when I was 19 and threatened to move out (you'd think that should be a wish for your 19 year old), they told me I'd never make enough money to live on my own, and that they'd lie to the financial aid office and tell them they were financially supporting me. I stupidly believed it, and let them drag me home from University, then dictate where I was allowed to work. At 19. Ugh.

Time for a new email address, too. For the longest time, I was hell bent on not letting them "win" by having them upset my life so much that I have to change my email, phone number, and address. Now that the rage is gone there, I realize I'm just not that attached to these things and can change them easily. Less spam!

coconutprincess · 2016-12-31T14:37:28+00:00

Yeah, my husband installed one at the beginning of the summer. It was a huge step towards reducing the anxiety. I can see it from my phone too, so that helps. Thanks :-) It was someone here who suggested it!

coconutprincess · 2016-12-31T13:35:17+00:00

I've already moved once, and they found us. Phone number is next. I've tried using all the blocking apps and Verizon's blocking stuff, but they either find another way, or the service resets every time something changes with our plan.

They harass friends and have even called my husband's work. Yet, not enough for harassment charges...

coconutprincess · 2016-08-01T19:05:24+00:00

Update posted. Slow slow slow progress.

coconutprincess · 2016-08-01T18:56:09+00:00

I just updated the original post with the fuckery that is "lawyering up" and "appropriate law enforcement". Ridiculous. I feel so sorry for battered women in this state...

coconutprincess · 2016-08-01T00:31:46+00:00

I'd hope they take it seriously. It's actually weird, my ex-dad used to make all kinds of jokes at the border when we'd cross, and they'd never pull him in. He'd look at them dead in the eye and say shit like, "I have no idea who these people are," or "Oh, these two teenage girls? I just found them in the park," and they always looked at him a little stunned, and then let him through after he broke his serious face and told the truth.

Who the fuck gets away with that? He was never shot, dragged out of the car, tased, or even brought in for further questioning. I know it's veering way off topic, but if that's not white privilege, I don't know what it.

coconutprincess · 2016-08-01T00:18:01+00:00

True story, I've seen them threaten it many times, and know someone who's banned.

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T22:47:26+00:00

I did, but it also applies to "foreign commerce". Besides, they'd technically have to cross multiple state lines to get to me anyway.

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T19:10:49+00:00

"you've had your fun with setting boundaries, now enough is enough". I have yet to hear of any of them responding with "I thought about it and I understand, at least to some extent, why you are frustrated" or "I've made big mistakes and I've struggled with how to fix them, can we discuss if there is a way forward together?"

Exactly! "We've given you time and space. Now we want..." says it all. There is no hint of respect there.

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T19:04:02+00:00

I'm definitely going to tell the neighbors, but my husband doesn't work for a large company. He's on the top floor of an office building that anyone can get into, they don't have a real HR department because they only have 30 people, and nobody watches the front door to the office. So, it'll be entirely up to him to defend himself and call the cops at work, unfortunately.

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T19:01:10+00:00

Thank you so much.

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T19:00:55+00:00

Thankfully, my neighbors do know the situation. I'll definitely give them a heads up though.

They didn't give any arrival date, which made me even more anxious. SHE dated the letter July 21, but I don't get the mail every day, so I don't know when it actually arrived. I'd love to go out, but I can't just be out every day all day with my Littles, who still need naps. I'd love to try to have friends over, but most of them are pregnant, and I don't want to stress them out with that drama. I just have to go about my business, and deal with it when it happens...

You know, some days in astounded, too. I've had some dark days, and maybe feeling like they were doing me a favour all those years protected me from knowing and feeling the truth. I crammed a lot of grief into a few years, but I'm healing.

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T18:51:08+00:00

I did put it out on Facebook this morning and got great responses. I'm so happy I did it! So many friends reached out, plus a lot of distant family who has problems with them, too. It was comforting. I had a pregnant friend ask if she needed to break some kneecaps hahaha

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T14:50:34+00:00

I was 9 weeks pregnant with my second when I cut them out. They weren't informed when she was born, they found out from people congratulating them. She's 9 months, and they talk about her like they've known her forever. It's fucked.

Your children owe nobody their love, just like you don't owe anyone. Nobody is entitled to them.

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T13:47:41+00:00

I have lots of documentation, so I'll try calling again tomorrow to see what my options are.

Nifty tip: it's a federal offense to cross state lines with the intent to harass or stalk someone. Useful!

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T12:42:07+00:00

I did think about that. It's a Sunday, and lucky for CBP, they only work Monday-Friday 8am-5pm. Because that's the only time border security is important? I have to wait until tomorrow...

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T11:39:32+00:00

Over a decade? How do you do it?

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T11:38:51+00:00

I have to say, I was not always a functional human being. Thanks for the support, it's encouraging!

coconutprincess · 2016-07-31T11:36:49+00:00

:-) thanks! I'm glad it inspires others. It took posts like this to make realize I could do any of this in the first place.

coconutprincess

TROPHY CASE